10. The Maddeningly Gentle Food Blogger With The Completely Unjustified Book Deal Whose Posts You Read Every Day
“This is so stupid,” you tell your best work friend over gchat. “Why does anyone read these posts? It’s just glossy pictures of icing and domesticity porn.” Your friend does not respond. “Do you want to get lunch,” you write. Still no response. Seven minutes later: “Most of her recipes are just stolen from somewhere else. They’re not even original.” Your friend’s status changes to Busy. An hour later, you will see her at the Panera Bread down the hill from your office park with two coworkers you don’t know.
9. The Memoirist Who Is Your Age And Whose Life Eerily Parallels Yours
“Nobody should write a memoir before they’re fifty,” you announce to your friends over drinks. You are not fifty. “Everyone seems to think being 27 and unhappy in love is all you need to write a book about your life. You should have to get licensed before you can write one.” You are on your fourth glass of wine. It is Tuesday. “You should have to–be Gore Vidal, or a cultural attaché, or have invented genocide or something.” You spilled a little bit of your wine during that last remark, but it has landed on your napkin and you don’t think anyone noticed.
You have never been asked to write a memoir, but you would immediately if anyone seemed interested.
8. The Literary Short Story Author Who Pretended He Had Never Met You Before Once At A Party Even Though You Absolutely Did
It didn’t sell that many copies, you heard. You don’t know who you heard it from, or how they would know, but it definitely didn’t sell that many copies. And you two had definitely met before, so you don’t know what his whole thing was about, pretending you hadn’t.
7. The Unfunny Bro With The Unfunny Gimmick Book About Punching Mustaches Or Doing Something Stupid For A Year Whose Author Picture Is Smirking At The Reader As If To Say “Can You Believe It?” Which Is Really A Level Of Self-Awareness You Have Not Earned, Pal
Something about kicking robots, or which president had the most balls, or whatever. You reflexively sneer whenever you see it in a bookstore’s window display, which is often. It’s selling really well.
6. Oh Come Right The Fuck On, Nobody Read That
It was dystopian, or something? But not YA. Nobody read it. You refuse to believe anyone actually read it. It was so weird. It was unbelievably short. “A slim novel,” the reviews said. “A slim novel of surprising”…deftness or something. Slim novels are always deft, and powerful, like Joss Whedon heroines.
5. That One Poet Who’s Kind of Making A Living. Do You Know How Many Fucking Words His Fucking Book Has? Like Thirty. He Wrote Thirty Words About A Pond And Won An Award.
“Oh,” you say vaguely when his name comes up in conversation, which is never quite as often as you hope it will. “Him. I don’t know, guys. I’ve heard some stuff about him that if you knew…I don’t think you’d be able to think of him in the same way.” When pressed, you refuse to give further details. “It’s really not my story to tell. I really can’t talk about it.” Still, you never fail to bring it up.
4. His Fucking Dad Has Written Four Bestsellers, He Was Probably Born With An Agent
No, good for him, though. Good for him. Everyone in that family has a book deal, and everyone you know hates them. “He’s actually unbelievably nice,” your one friend who works in publishing and who has actually met him tries to tell you. You have never read any of his books.
3. The Woman With The World’s Last Tumblr-To-Book-Deal
Fine, you know? No, it’s great. You could have come up with the same joke (because the entire book is one joke retold in 85 different ways, not that anyone cares, apparently, because they’re carrying it at Urban Outfitters, which by the way is not a place for books, you don’t buy shoes at Trader Joe’s and you don’t buy books at clothing stores) in, oh, ten minutes, but that’s really great that she managed to spin that thin a premise into a successful personal brand.
Actually it would be kind of amazing, if Trader Joe’s sold shoes. Like TOMS, kind of, but good. That’s a really good idea. You should tell someone that idea.
2. The Writer of the “Unflinching” Debut
400 pages about an unrelenting total fucking bummer. Oh, the drug addictions. Oh, the horrible, grinding poverty as a four-year-old child soldier of fortune/undersea mine welder/burn victim. Oh, the meaningless and tawdry and horrifying sex. No one makes eye contact. Everyone attends horrifically tense dinner parties and throw their lovers out of ninth-story walkups. You wish it would flinch, even just once.
1. Everyone, everyone
“What books do you like, then,” someone you don’t know well asks you. You laugh in a way that suggests he should consider it an embarrassingly incredibly pedestrian and naïve question. “What books do I like?” you ask, stalling for time. “That’s a good one.” You laugh again.
Tags: also you really do drink too much, book deals, lists, resentment, Tumblr, writing, your worst self
The Commenter On Your Favorite Website Who Co-Started Your New Other Favorite Website
(Mallory! How do you do this? How do you write things that are so specific and yet so gut-churningly truthful? Witchcraft, it is.)
All this, and yet also funny! Amazing.
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:15, or Excellent Advice I Have Yet To Take W/R/T The Joys Of Others.
Whatever, like PAUL had anything to fucking get jealous about
2 Corinthians 11:12.
We’re little bebes to Paul.
1 Corinthians 3:2
I am actually resentful of this post. I should have written this post. <spills wine>
all too true and hilarious
I have an idea for something I want to write but now I’m scared. Can you coach me through it? Never mind, you seem busy. No really, let’s talk.
Two girls who started a website lauding a piece of bread, damn!
Oh I see, this is deja envy.
Indicdentally, Whole Foods does sell TOMS.
Curses, incidentally*
I actually like “indicdentally.” Sounds dirty.
But painful.
Dear baby Jesus, thank you for not making me a writer.
I love this, I love this so much.
11. The fanfic author who has a movie based on the book in which she references her own friggin’ fanfic coming out this summer, and who you’ve heard is really nice despite the scandals attached to her name in the shadowy, white-guys-kissing-filled world of fandom, and you know it’s just sour grapes but seriously? Of all the fanfic writers out there, SHE gets a movie?
You will contemplate printing out copies of the Harry Potter incest fic she deleted and putting it into her books at the store. But there’s no Barnes and Noble closer than 30 minutes to you, and really, you can think of way better uses for your printer ink, like your resume, or the Arrested Development quote you want to trace onto fabric and embroider.
Ahhhh seriously though, Mallory, this is painfully perfect.
It’s not just sour grapes. This stuff is documented online. Just google her name, old spelling, it will come up.
What Parvati said – it’s not just sour grapes to be mad that a plagiarist and bully is now a bestselling author and has a movie deal.
i’ve never read any of her fic, and i still have only read one of her short stories (for a couple reasons: one, old semi-irrational prejudice based on stuff she wrote on the internet like ten years ago; and the other, idk, her books seem kind of boring and dead-horse-beating material? dystopian teenager world-saving byronic hero/ine with magic/scifi/the supernatural/a touch of steampunk? i’m not even sure what they’re about really, but that one short story “one fortunate future day” was actually pretty good).
nevertheless, i still feel qualified to say that there’s better ya fiction written by former/current fanfiction authors. hello, “the lynburn legacy” you guys? although that trilogy’s still in progress i guess. and srb’s stance on her former career as a bnf still hurts my soft vulnerable inside bits. (i get that fandom can be crazy and send death threats over minutiae, i get that her lj was hacked, i get that she’s so over hp (if that is indeed the case), and i get that she wrote some of that shit when she was 17 and is friggin embarrassed by it now. BUT DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND, DDG WAS THERE FOR ME IN A DARK TIME, IT HELPED HEAL MY SOUL, IT WAS CLEVER IT WAS FUNNY IT WAS SAD IT WAS GAY IT WAS THE BEST so either own up to it and let me love you for it or shell out some cleverfunnysadgay profic that i can love just as much/more. yes yes with the lady narrators i love that, you’re great, you’re a feminist, do that too, but i need my clever romantic funny compelling queer fix okay? and i’m tired of only ever finding it in fic. mostly because fic and the subsection of fandom that produces it are so derided, if they’re even acknowledged, by every fucking body else. gross. so i want a book that i can talk about with nonfan folks. or even fanbutnotslashfan folks. whatever. the world is homophobic and i just need to go to a good queer bookstore or write something my own damn self but seriously srb if you could solve all my problems that would be great.)
and holly black used to write fic right? or still does?
and neil gaiman does, certainly.
and all three of them, yeah, i would choose all three of them over cassie. sorry cassie! you’re probably totes nice and i’m totes fatphobic and irrational and (is rosacea-phobia a thing btw? because also her face is really red :/ ) misogynistic and generally awful. i still don’t like you though. i wish you did not tour with the writers i like because of above prejudices and also you seem really grumpy, which i imagine is a perfectly natural response to jet lag and being sociable when your chosen vocation is extremely solitary for a reason, but yeah.
okay.
this ended up in a very different place than i expected. sorry.
irrelevant postscript: QUEERBAITING
That lady who got a book deal out of bitching on Twitter about her kids.
I’m pretty good at bitching about other people’s children. Maybe I should have a kid or two and then write a book called “Kids: I HATE ‘EM.”* At the very least, I’d get lots and lots of (negative) press.
*I do not actually hate children. But being near screaming/crying/whining children triggers my flight response.
OH MY GOD WRITE IT.
But that would require having children! Can I just count my dog as a baby? He whines, hates baths, disobeys me, and is constantly underfoot.
No need to have children, just call it “Other People’s Kids: I HATE ‘EM.” No baby-popping necessary.
No need to have children, just change the title to “Other People’s Kids: I HATE ‘EM.” There, no baby-popping necessary.
The Guy Who Is Constantly Humblebragging on Facebook and Twitter About Things He’s Written and Who Somehow Keeps Finding People to Publish Things Thus Perpetuating the Cycle
Who manages to talk about his gratitude and have it sound unrepentantly phony in 8 words or less.
#6 is usually “postmodern” and in completely unrecognizable English, and you’re pretty sure that everyone who read it is lying because it was terrible, and are just saying so to seem smart.
This is totally, totally incredible, and may be my best thing on the internet this year.
Every blogger who thinks that conspicuous consumption is great material for their writing.
#2 is exactly how I feel about Jonathan Safran Foer.
I have a Foer family joke that I really, really love making, do you want to hear it?
More than anything.
“My brothers were all killed in the Jonathan Safran Foer War. They were – everything was – Zuluminated.”
AHAAHAAHAAHAAHAHAAAA and I’m dead now.
YOU ARE THE WORST and by worst I obviously mean best.
That is just….my brain…no. Yes! Wow.
This singlehandedly justifies the Foers.
Yes please, yes please!
melis. MELIS. Please pretty please write a memoir, already.
Yes. Or a an all Jonathan Safran Foer joke book.
I have a former coworker who is an NYT Bestselling author of erotic vampire romances. I am both tickled pink for her and INSANELY FUCKING JEALOUS.
How many “erotic vampire romance” authors ARE there anyway? It seems like too many.
My bitterness that Paranormal Romance has unseated Regency to the point where a bunch of high volume Regency imprints were canceled (like 10 years ago, jeez) in favor of churning out more sexy vampires, wolves & ghosts is immeasurable.
I’d blame Charlaine Harris, except I can’t because her books are really enjoyable and she seems like an awesome lady to hang out and drink with.
I blame Anne Rice.
The obvious solution is to write a Regency Paranormal Romance
I tried, once, for NaNoWriMo. The working title of the rough draft was “Regency Torchwood,” where a young woman gets caught up with a secret society trying to track down a man trying to bind a demon in Regency London. I could possibly do something with it if I could make the hero less… boring. (Also, there was a sequel in which a hapless young man who had been turned into a small pig by an angry demon at the end of the first story falls in love with the daughter of the French… magician, I guess, who is attempting to simultaneously cure him and avoid detection by agents of Napoleon. It’s all kind of ridiculous, but it was fun to write.)
THIS SOUNDS PRETTY PROMISING
Sexy Pride and Prejudice and Zombies fanfic?
This is basically like my life but with DJs instead of writers (we call ourselves “producers” in polite company cuz we don’t play weddings okay, we’re artists [most of us are actually just collectors / selectors]). I have both a deeply repressed competitive streak and a very long memory so it’s probably for the best that I’m not actually an artist.
I guess my addition would be “Your friend’s asshole ex”. Not YOUR ex, because that adds a modicum of legitimacy (also I have no exes), no, that friend’s ex who you’ve never liked and who does the same stuff and is somehow more acclaimed? Fuck that guy.
“You wish it would flinch even just once.” So good.
I feel all of these. Somedays, I really wish I was good at working retail or something.
Don’t forget James Franco!
That precious angel baby. He can write all the books he wants and I will hang them on my refrigerator with pride and whisper, “You’re an artist.”
I really love YA. Good, bad, indifferent, doesn’t matter. I have read nearly every YA/teen paranormal series my library system has available for e-lending. I’ve read so many that within about 100 pages I can figure out the twist, the cliffhanger ending, and the setup for the next two books.
I frequently tell my friends over my fourth glass of wine that I could, no I SHOULD, write my own. I know where the mediocre ones fall apart; I know why the good ones are enthralling. I CAN DO THIS.
Then, of course, I wake up the next morning with a mild headache and go to my big girl lawyer job and draft contracts and go home and fall asleep watching Parks and Rec again. Online I see an article about another YA novelist who sold the movie rights for six figures and the process starts all over.
Ah! I’ve definitely found, in my artistic failings, that it’s much easier to point out where someone else’s writing has gone off the rails and how to make it better, than to actually write something original and good myself. Maybe I was meant to be an editor rather than a writer? Not that I consider either of those a viable career option for me, anyway.
I think that just makes us critics, versus creators. And I think that criticism is a healthy part of the artistic ecosystem, so to speak. Not better than the creators. Different. And necessary.
Oh Girls. You can be my personal Tim Gunns. I want to write YA novels. I actually wrote one, but it was terrible so I need to restart that. I would love to have someone to analyze my writing and offer criticism. It’s scary, but it makes the writing better so definitely worth it.
I like this. We could provide a service. The Toast Institute For Better Writing.
A million times yes!
I’m glad it’s not just me, then!
*cries at self-recognition* wait! I should write about crying at the self-recognition of the futility of it all! *cries at realization that it’s been done* *drinks*
I can’t wait until the constant feelings of unfounded jealousy that I now feel in the middle of an undergraduate writing program flourish into the elegant bitterness I see here. Plus side: I’ll be able to legally and publicly drink wine.
“Slim novels are always deft, and powerful, like Joss Whedon heroines.”
Amazing.
I would add: The One Dude You Know Who Has The Best Idea Ever, But WON’T Write It
I’m about a second away from pulling the rug out from underneath him and turning his idea into a story myself. But I won’t, because that’s wrong and he’d hate me. Still. Aaargh.
Unfounded hate for anyone successful at anything before age 30, basically. Stop it, overachievers!
I always believed that if you slapped Stephen King’s name on any of my stories that I would be an instant millionaire. (Of course, if I put my name to any of his stories I would still be selling my stories at 1/2 cent a word.)
GET OUT OF MY MIND!!!
Oh screw you, Mallory. Pfft. I wrote a book and I would give my left ear, both pinky fingers and the leg of your choice to have half the writing talent of EITHER you or Nicole. You two flippin’ jerks. Humph.
YOU GO TO HECK YOU GO TO HECK AND YOU GET A COLD
OH SO YOU DON’T WANT THIS LEG??? FINE THEN. I SHALL OFFER IT TO THOUGHT CATALOGUE.
(I’ve missed your musk)
#4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is totally an author I’ve read, who was pretty awful, which sucks, because his mom is a pretty good writer.
Oh, the girl I went to college with who I didn’t even know too well, but my mean friends and I used to mock behind her back by saying her dorm room was probably nothing but those Shakespearean Insults poster and velvet hats. Three-book deal for a YA series of historical fiction with a supernatural spin, last I heard. And why not? It’s weird, working hard at what she is presumably into worked out for her, while being a dick about everything didn’t turn out to be as marketable as I had thought it might be.
“being a dick about everything didn’t turn out to be as marketable as I had thought it might be.”
<3 hahaha man don’t you wish it was though? being cutting about things is so fun.
i delurked and made an account just to say how much i LOVE this. this is genius. Mallory, you are hilarious and Toast is great.
AS YOU WERE! 🙂
This is not amazing, insightful or deft like a Joss Whedon heroine. It is shallow, derivative and envious, like an annoying wannabe. Some people actually read good books, Mallory. And — don’t resent me — some people actually write well. Uncomprehending, contemptuous envy might be the most evil force on the planet.
Oh gosh, yes, I believe that’s absolutely the point of this, is how destructive and terrible resentment can be. The narrator, the “you” above is getting too drunk on a Tuesday night and spilling wine and can’t think of a single book he or she actually likes. It’s a terrible way to live, I completely agree.
Mallory, you are only rising further and further in my estimation for being able to reply thusly instead of as I would have, which would have been something like, “Uh no doyyyyyy. And some people have reading comprehension.”
thank god you’re here.
5. is exactly how prose writers think of poets (but pretend not to). Thirty words?!?
Thanks. That was fun.
I haven’t laughed so much before breakfast, ever. The comments were just as funny! Love it! ROFLMFHO
Really want more posts under the ‘your worst self’ tag please.
[…] Ten Writers Whose Success You’ll Resent This Year ”Slim novels are always deft, and powerful, like Joss Whedon heroines.” […]
[…] Ten writer types whose success you’ll resent […]
[…] “Ten Writers Whose Success You’ll Resent This Year,” by Mallory Ortberg, was the funniest thing I read during this oddly shaped holiday week: “It was dystopian, or something? But not YA. Nobody read it. You refuse to believe anyone actually read it. It was so weird. It was unbelievably short. ‘A slim novel,’ the reviews said. ‘A slim novel of surprising’…deftness or something. Slim novels are always deft, and powerful, like Joss Whedon heroines.” […]
Oh, god, this is just a bit too close to home to be okay anymore.
I should probably drink less wine.
Hooray! I’m resented. My book fits in at #2. I’m so happy. Thank you, thank you.
Hooray! I'm resented. My book fits in at #2. I'm so happy. Thank you, thank you.
God, #10. Those are the exact feelings I have about one particular food blogger.
#6 is usually “postmodern” and in completely unrecognizable English, and you’re pretty sure that everyone who read it is lying because it was terrible, and are just saying so to seem smart.