Home » Ancient Grains • Dads » Dad Magazine: July 2013 Dad Magazine: July 2013 Jaya Saxena and Matt Lubchansky on July 11, 2013 in Ancient Grains, Dads 946143 Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F2013%2F07%2F11%2Fdad-magazine%2FDad+Magazine%3A+July+20132013-07-11+13%3A00%3A15Jaya+Saxena+and+Matt+Lubchanskyhttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F%3Fp%3D946 Photo Credit: Flickr Tags: dad magazine, dad's great we should call him, jaya saxena, matthew lubchansky Related PostsDad Magazine: April 2015 EditionDad Magazine: March 2015 EditionDad Magazine: February 2015 EditionA Trip to Cheddar Bay, by John UpdikeDirtbag Winston ChurchillTexts From Blanche DuBois About Author by Jaya Saxena and Matt Lubchansky Jaya Saxena is a New Yorker who writes for lots of things. Uncommon Courtesy, New Amsterdam Mystery Company, and The Toast are some of them. Follow her on Twitter @jayasax. Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. His work includes Please Listen to Me and New Amsterdam Mystery Company. He's on Twitter, and doesn't expect you to get his name right. 946Latest Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F2013%2F07%2F11%2Fdad-magazine%2FDad+Magazine%3A+July+20132013-07-11+13%3A00%3A15Jaya+Saxena+and+Matt+Lubchanskyhttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F%3Fp%3D946 rebeccabrinson "5 New Techniques for Watching DVR'd Golf Tournaments (You'll Never Look at Your Fast-Forward Button the Same Again)" "Our Favorite Summer Tube Socks" "Puns for All Occasions" EPWordsnatcher My dad would buy this issue twice. Jaya Really enjoying that Dads is a category now. MalloryOrtberg I made it last night! Matt Lubchansky What an honor! anxious_mofo "Making Great Time" is an article my stepdad needs to read. He has zero conception of how long it actually takes to get places. "Dad Jokes: Tips for Getting an Unappreciative Audience to Lighten Up" Megano! "Gadgets and Gizmos Aplenty: You Don't Need to Know What They Do!" EPWordsnatcher Inside: fourteen pages of money-saving Home Depot coupons! lyetteann "Find the Best GPS–Then Never Turn It On!" Yet To Register "Book Reviews: we bought a handful of paperbacks with tall ships on their covers." Sidebar: "Here are some weird facts about the Civil War, in case you needed a refresher." "Sand Down to a Perfect Dovetail, Every Time" "Shocking Dad Confessions: 'I'm not really that into Springsteen'" bgprincipessa bite your tongue halleloujah "No Squirrels Allowed: Protect those bird feeders 365 days a year!" EPWordsnatcher <img src="https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/–EMIm_RqpOk/UdnegF6kSwI/AAAAAAAADaI/AAvBNg-9D64/s487/Squirrel%2520spinning%2520on%2520bird%2520feeder.gif"> lyetteann Oh my god, my husband goes out of the house and YELLS AT THE SQUIRRELS. Our neighbors probably think we're insane. EPWordsnatcher Does…does that work? lyetteann In the short term? Yes. Once he's back in the house, though… Mostly I think it just makes him feel better. Matt Lubchansky When I was a kid, my dad would fill a bucket with ice cubes, and we'd go on the porch and hurl them in the direction of the squirrels to I think spook them into leaving forever. Also we would yell at them? I'm glad he didn't accidentally start some insane Squirrel War of Attrition theharpoon ah the paradox of still being able to see the birdfeeder from the porch while simultaneously making it squirrel-inaccessible huntresswizard And the cult favorite follow-up, "Goddamn Mourning Doves Eating All The Birdseed and Shitting All Over the Porch" daisymap "Morning has Broken: Why The Hours Between 5 am and 8am Are The Sweetest Hours To Be Awake" "The 14 Day Rule: Great One-Person Recipes for Things That Are Still Perfectly Good To Eat." brigid These headlines are proof that I am just turning into not just ANY dad, but my OWN dad. SeaVineyard "Honey, it smells fine!" and "Dont' throw that out! Its still good." I shudder sometimes when I think about what my dad is potentially eating. LittlestOak "UR." :-D EPWordsnatcher "LOL: What does it really mean?" stuffisthings Wait do I have to have children to subscribe to this? Where do I sign up? I need to know about these marinades. glitterary "A Loaded Question Is Better Than A Loaded Gun: how to intimidate your daughter's new boyfriend without anyone calling the police!" "Betrayal: What To Do When Your Kids Root For The Opposing Sports Team" "23 Ways To Light A Barbecue, All Of Which Are Better Than The Way Your Neighbour Tried To Do It At His Party Last Year, Goddammit" practicalcats "Betrayal" is totally a recurring column. "Betrayal: What to Do When Your Kids Vote for the Opposing Party" "Betrayal: What to Do When Your Kids Go to the Rival State School" "Betrayal: What to Do When Your Kids Follow a Different Career Path" franceschances I love this! EPWordsnatcher "Navigating the Madness: Your Guide to Highly Time-Efficient Mall Shopping With or Without Your Family." (Step 1. Figure out exactly what you want. Step 2. Call and confirm they have it in stock. Step 3. Figure out where it is located in the store. Step 4. Find the closest entrance. Bonus if it's the entrance near the tool section of the Sears. Step 5. Power-walk through the mall, ignoring the pleas of your teenage daughter to "slow down, Dad!" or your wife to "Hang on, I just want to pop into Williams Sonoma." Step 6. Obtain item. Pay. Power-walk back to the car. Do not stop, do not pass GO, etc. Step 7. Profit.) icebergmama "Step 7. Profit." you kill me! EPWordsnatcher TIME IS MONEY Abanthis We call that making a Viking raid on [shopping location]. To be fair in some places (Oxford Circus, for example) it's necessary, but Dad did not appreciate the time he tried to do this and then there was a sale at Monsoon adding an hour and a half to shopping time. ZouBisouBisou THIS IS TOO PERFECT FOR WORDS EPWordsnatcher "Who Says You Need A Professional? Six plumbing and electrical home improvement projects you can totally do yourself, really." aravisthequeen "How To Fix All Those Boneheaded MIstakes The Previous Homeowner Left" EPWordsnatcher Six Summer Movies You'll Love (Trolls and/or Explosions Guaranteed!)* *This may or may not come straight out of the Dad Wordsnatcher handbook LittlestOak "What Your HDMI Cables Say About You" icebergmama OMG this article and all the comments are perfect. DAD Magazine Fashion Issue: The Best Suspenders for Your Body Shape Bow Ties For Every Occasion Jeans under $15 (They're Perfectly Good) icebergmama also can you please do Mom, Grandma, and Grandpa magazines next? xxx Jaya GRANDPA MAG: Here's the punchline to that joke you forgot at Passover EPWordsnatcher GRANDMA MAG: 27 Ways to Passive-Aggressively Criticize Your Child's Parenting Skills (edit: maybe just my family here) lyetteann No, no: it's everyone's family. tragicallyludicrous MOM MAG: Who All Those Guys On Game Of Thrones Are annejumps Shirts You Can Buy At Kroger LittlestOak On the subject of suspenders, can someone clarify something about the magazine cover? That's a camera strap, not a pair of, like, halter-top suspenders, right? icebergmama DEFINITELY a camera strap (daughter of photographer here) tragicallyludicrous Jackets: What Weight Do You Need EPWordsnatcher Your Guide To Buying One Style of Shoe For The Rest Of Your Life cherrispryte OMG I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST MY DAD THAT DID THIS. EPWordsnatcher My dad has one style of tennis shoe. When one pair gets worn out they get demoted to Mowing Shoes and he goes out and buys a new, identical pair. You can tell them apart because the mowing shoes end up green. cherrispryte Are they a specific pair of New Balance that were fashionable in the '70s/'80s, and then horribly out-of-style, but then became trendy again like 3 years ago? Because if so, hello long-lost sister! EPWordsnatcher OH MY GOD oldsampeabody All Dad Shoes are New Balance shoes, I think, especially when they are stained green from grass clippings. (Only in my dad's case, he decides to mow the lawn in his New Shiny New Balance Shoes and then has two pairs of identical green shoes and has to buy a third—only to discover that they've changed the style and it is truly catastrophic. …And I doubt his were ever trendy. Sorry, Dad.) schnoodle Holy crap. My father-in-law buys his next pair up to two years IN ADVANCE. The internets has made this too easy. aravisthequeen "Repair Those Shoes with Duct Tape: A Quick and Easy Guide to Embarrassing Your Wife and Kids." n.b. my dad did this anninyn "Your Jeans are BETTER two sizes too big" "Who needs a wallet? Why your pockets are the perfect place for loose change" (I am not kidding here, I once found 25 quid in loose change scattered all over the living room floor) polka_stripes "Jeans under $15 (They're Perfectly Good)" Follow up issue "How To Tell Those $15 15 Year Old Jeans Need Replacing" icebergmama "Patches: Wear Those $15 Jeans For The Rest Of Your Life" practicalcats "Are They Still Jeans if They're >50% Patches?" EPWordsnatcher "Convincing Your Wife Not To Throw Away Those Perfectly Good $15 15 Year Old Jeans" Annie Petersen "How to Buy All of Your Clothes From Costco: Kirkland Signature For Life!" quadrophonicsound Are Jeans Really Necessary? A Compelling Argument For Wearing Sweatpants Everywhere (If there aren't holes or stains, then they're "nice" sweatpants/Good enough to go grocery shopping, good enough to go out for fast food with the family) thesarahgirl "Tinkering!" "The 30 Best Episodes of Car Talk You've Never Heard" "Socks with Sandals: So Practical, So Stylish" tragically ludicrous Fashion: What Weight of Coat Do You and Your Family Need For This High-Pressure System icebergmama Yard Sales: Sure you Don't "Need" a Canoe, But It's Only $50! (icebergmama's Dad: lifelong yard sale devotee) bgprincipessa Yard Sales: I Bet You Can Make That 1970 TV Work Again Quick Brown Fox How Calling Something a Logical Fallacy Is Not "Mansplaining" What Even ARE Throw Pillows? Different Places To Read In Summer (My pop is an English teacher.) Slutface 25 Reasons You Should Save That Box It Came In. EPWordsnatcher brilliant perfect forever daisymap This is my favourite. EPWordsnatcher "Don't Throw It Away, The Parts Might Come In Useful Someday" Megano! omg, am I…a Dad? EPWordsnatcher You might be! How many pairs of identical white tennis shoes do you own? Megano! NONE, but only because I can't wear them! polka_stripes Who Does It Better?! We Put Kids Versus Automatic Carwashes to the Test! EPWordsnatcher My dad would be writing in a heated op-ed: "Touch-Free or Nothing: Why Automatic Car Washes Are Not To Be Trusted." EPWordsnatcher Dad Logic: 32 Explanations For Questions They're Bound to Ask! polka_stripes Top 10 Outfits Most Likely to Embarrass Your Middle School Daughter! (I think of these one at a time) Firoola 15 New Lawn-Mowing Styles For Summer! The Perfect Bright White Running Shoe For Your Shape That's Perfectly Balanced! 8 Household Items That Can Also Serve As Ladders At Short Notice, And Which Are Not A Safety Hazard, Who Cares What Your Kids Say EPWordsnatcher New Designs to Mow Into Your Lawn to Impress Neighbors (and Yourself!) alpelican Tire Pressure Gauges For All Occasions Threatening Weather: What it Means for Your Weekend figwiggin YouTube: You Can Use It To Listen to the Same Steely Dan Song Five Times in a Row! Where to Find the Crunchiest Peanut Butter Imaginable How to Tell Your Daughter That She Should Really Grow Potatoes figwiggin These may be a little specific. Jaya STEELY DAD: The all dad Steely Dan cover band Annie Petersen I tried to like this comment again and it wouldn't let me EPWordsnatcher Jaya, I still occasionally think of STEELY DAD and burst out laughing wherever I am. Annie Petersen these are all just perfect. J. Curle "'Huh?' 10 Great Responses That Halt Your Kids' Questions In Their Tracks" "Would You Rather Build Models Than Have Sex With Your Wife? TAKE THE QUIZ" "Covert Napping Like You've Never Seen Before" "A Glimpse Into The Future—10 New Dads Interview 10 Dad Vets" EPWordsnatcher Monthly advice column, "Decoding Your Child's Texts" monica_mcl Back Roads are the Best Roads: How to Never Take a Highway Again Katyola Shhhoot! (And 15 Other Ways to Bite Off Curse Words Around the Kids) When It's Time to Pass on the Billy Beer Collection to Your Son 27 Ways to Use Your Discarded Peanut Shells telephonoscope “‘But Is It Gore-Tex?’ 7 Reasons to Always Check” “Chance Favors the Prepared Mind: Tips for Planning Your Next Trip to the Grocery Store” “Now We’re Cookin’ With Gas: 10 Foods You Didn’t Know You Could Grill!” Annie Petersen Or, my Dad's personal favorite, "Is Your Gore-Tex Still Working? 10 Ways to Pay Money to Check at REI" icebergmama Emotional Conversations: How To Change The Subject To Window-Glazing, Every Time. alternately, How To Express Love To Your Children Through Window-Glazing Advice (just my dad?) EPWordsnatcher Aw, Dad Iceberg. anninyn "Awkward phone calls to your daughter: How and When to make them" "Where to find a new version of that Dr Seuss Tshirt you wore for twenty years" "That jumper: Why your family shouldn't have thrown it out." "Your cat: How to keep your soppiness a closely-guarded secret" And probably quite specific, this – "How to argue so viciously about map-reading with your partner that you daughter takes over the task at the age of eight" an owl in daylight Dad Jeans: The Ultimate Buying Guide. stuffisthings Finally a lifestyle magazine photoshoot that BARACK gets to be in. monica_mcl "'Eh, Did That Clown Die?' One Dad Comes to Terms with the Loss of Larry Hagman" monica_mcl This is a direct quote, but of course I can't divulge my source. J. Curle "'The Talk,' Translated Into Sports Metaphors Any Idiot Would Get" "Old Tech/New Tech: A DIY Guide To Get Your VHS Deck Up And Running Again" "Vinyl DOES Sound Better Than Digital—And Our Tests Prove It" eudora i kid you not my dad owns both a green bay packers shirt and a camera strap that attaches to a fancy camera he can barely use. this cover is maybe too perfect. thesarahgirl "Oven Pizza Taste Tests: DiGiorno or Store Brand?" "10 Best Political Petitions to Forward to your Kids and Coworkers" "Cutoffs: Give Those Old Jeans a New Life" EPWordsnatcher We're talking about old Dad Jeans up top, come join us. J. Curle "Smartphones: Yeah, You're Probably Going To Have To Get One Eventually" "Debit Cards: Just Like Writing A Check, Only Better!" Dr LadyBusiness "Voicemail IS Better than Texting, New Study Says" ipomoea "Costco Fashion: It's Not Just For Pallets Of Trail Mix Anymore" "Get In The Middle Of The Goddamn Lane: The Poetry of Teaching Your Teenager To Drive" "TV Volume: Why Louder is Better (Hearing Aids Are For Wimps)" "Build Your Child's Character Through Physical Labor: Picking Rocks For Winners" EPWordsnatcher Follow-up article to Middle of the Goddamn Lane: "ASSERTIVE on the Clutch: The Poetry of Teaching your Teenager to Drive MANUAL." (This may or may not be taken directly from life) aravisthequeen "The Basement: Make It Your Domain! Easy tips and tricks to make everyone else in your family avoid it forever" "Your Secret Dossier of Stories To Tell Over and Over: Does it need updating? NO!" "Cookies: A dessert for every occasion? Experts weigh in!" EPWordsnatcher …get out of my house EPWordsnatcher When to Throw Out Those Receipts (Answer: Never!) anachronistique "You're Paying For Packaging: 10 Store Brands That Are Just As Good" EPWordsnatcher "Name-Brand Toilet Paper: Why You Should Splurge Where It Counts" brigid 10 Places You Haven't Thought to Shop-Vac Why July Is the Best Time to Impart Snow Driving Tips to Your Children and Their Friends How to Convince You Entitled Youngest Child to Go to a State University Basement Cleaning Part #4: Storage Tips for the Old Luggage No One Uses This Season's Best Short Sleeved Button Ups Coping with Minor Firework Disasters msjinxie "Medical Tips from Dads: It's Only a Sprain, You Big Baby; Just Walk it Off!" Dr LadyBusiness "5 Highly Specific Diets that Will Cure Any Chronic Illness Your Child Has Been Diagnosed With" "10 Most Exciting Ways to Talk About Your Arthritis" jsub How to Micro-Manage Vacations (Minute-to-Minute planner included!) Meredith "Why aren't you at work?": Plus 9 Other Spicy Ways to Answer Calls From Your Grown Children Bonus Insert: 20,000 Words On Why Bank Overdraft Fees Are Everything That's Wrong With This Country We Asked Dads And They Answered: We Want the Term 'Meathead' Back! PrincessShinylocks "10 out of 10 Dads Agree, Email is Definitely the Best Way to Alert your Children to the Death of a Loved One" "We're Burning Daylight! Tips On Getting Your Family in the Car by 6am for Road Trips" EPWordsnatcher 6am? Lightweights. If it's light out when you hit the road, you're hitting the road too late. (This is brought to you by the I Am Turning Into My Dad committee) lalaluna "How to Spend More Time Cleaning the Riding Lawn Mower Than Actually Mowing the Damn Lawn" "How to Convince Your Adult Daughter and Punk Son-In-Law to Hand Wash Their Entire House's Siding Every Damn Year" or "Why Power Washers Are Insufficient for Certain Tasks but Not Others" "How to Tell if Your Daughter Loves You to Death but is Still a Bit Bitter" laureleye Can we have a special Nerd Dad edition? Be the Star of the Star Party: Tips to Light Up Your Next Amateur Astronomy Society Event Gift Guide to Chemistry and Science Kits for the Young – And Young At Heart E-Holsters: The Stylish Way to Keep All Your Personal Electronics on Your Person, At All Times The Last Place In The World to Get Your Betamax Player Repaired, and Why You Should (They Refused to Compromise Quality for Marketability, Dammit) anachronistique My dad has what we call a Belt of Might with all his gadgets in pouches, so I extra-love this. laureleye oh yeah, my dad used to keep everything clipped to his belt. Then he dropped his cell phone in a toilet and bought an e-holster, which is the actual brand name and everything. It is literally a concealed carry-style shoulder holster for your gadgets. It's pretty great if you really want to startle people in a restaurant! fleurdelivre87 The Importance of Keeping Your Car Inspection Sticker Up to Date. Yankee Peach Road Trip Special Section: Hundreds of Obscure Standards from the 1930s nobody but you will ever know all the words to (And they're not on Wikipedia!) "Hey I'm Watching That!" More tips and tricks for watching TV while lying on the couch and "resting your eyes." Unitaskers: Hot new shiny gadgets we know you have to have NOW! MrsHuntingCreek Teaching your daughter to drive: Xanax vs Valium A Khaki Manifesto: why Dockers and Polos are the new Black meetapossum 10 Post-Dinner Sandwiches for You to Try! "I Don't Know the Street Name, But There's a Gas Station on the Corner", and Other Ways to Give Confusing Directions EPWordsnatcher I love both of these with a gleeful, giggly kind of love. ArmyOfSkanks "Speed Limits Are Only a Suggestion: The best times to go 40 mph on the highway and 75 on back roads." "10 Uses For Leftover Carpet." (#1 is to cover the entire floor of your new minivan with it and then insist on driving your junior high school aged daughter's cheerleading squad to games. But only if it's pink.) "Putting On Snow Tires in September: Just In Case." Pwickup "Primal Wince: Reliving Your Faux Pas 20 Years On" huntresswizard "Dexter versus New Balance: Dads Road-Test The Best All-White Sneakers" with sidebar "Our Favorite Black Socks" "They'll Grow Into It: The Best Oversized Clothing To Give Your Adult Children" "TRAINS!" evilauntieperil The Devil Inside: Bill Gates, secret satanist, really IS inside your computer! Waste Not, Want Not: Why your compost heap is divine. mollyculetheory Fix-it Corner: 43 new uses for duck tape tuntastic Mallory, did you commission this because your dad refused to follow you on twitter? Chickensalad "It Happened To Me: My Daughter Hates Baseball, Where Did I Go Wrong?" xnxx "The Basement: Make It Your Domain! Easy tips and tricks to make everyone else in your family avoid it forever" How to Convince You Entitled Youngest Child to Go to a State University Basement Cleaning Part #4: Storage Tips for the Old Luggage No One Uses Be the Star of the Star Party: Tips to Light Up Your Next Amateur Astronomy Society Event Gift Guide to Chemistry and Science Kits for the Young – And Young At Heart EPWordsnatcher And then in the next month's issue, the stirring rebuttal, "Shut The Door: We're Not Paying to Air Condition the Entire Street." franceschances And then of course in the November issue, "Put Some Socks On: 5 Lines to Keep Your Family From Turning Up the Heat" Sivven My dad and I played so much fucking backgammon when I was a kid. I love that game. Gryph I woke up at 7:30 last weekend at my parents house and my stepfather accused me of sleeping the day away. 7:30 AM . fruiting_body I can't wait for the winter special. "Go shovel snow for an hour if you need to warm up." aravisthequeen And the perennial year-round favourite "6 Easy Ways To Convince Your Family To Turn The Lights Off" or "Watch The Football Game From Anywhere!" the text of the article of which is "Just turn every TV in every room to the game and crank the volume all the way up so you can hear it anywhere in the house."