No woman’s body was found today on the beach by police around 8:50 pm after no one reported finding an unconscious woman on the beach.
The body of no woman in her early 30s was pulled from a lake near Minneapolis early this morning.
No one was charged after a woman’s body and multiple abused animals were not found in a bug-infested van in Arizona.
The family of a woman whose nude and shackled body was not found hanging in a California mansion has filed no lawsuits.
No women’s bodies were discovered by the side of a local highway after being kidnapped, bound, and tortured for several hours.
No woman has been found dead from a gunshot wound after being reported missing by family members since late February.
Authorities have not discovered the skeletonized remains of a woman missing for over fifteen years behind a false wall in the basement of her former husband, who reported her disappearance several weeks after their honeymoon.
The bodies of exactly no women were pulled out of a local ravine this week.
The body of a seven-year-old girl, whose non-failure to return home from school last Wednesday did not result in an Amber Alert, has not been found brutalized and dismembered in a state park.
Signs of foul play were not found on any female corpses today, according to the municipal coroner’s office.
An area mother of four, who has not recently gone missing, was not found mutilated in a local park after a three-day search that involved the sheriff’s department and over thirty volunteers.
No teenagers last seen picking up hitchhikers have been found strangled in the trunk of their own vehicles.
The body of a 25-year-old woman was not found lying facedown in the road near Cottonwood Drive after no neighbors reported hearing gunshots earlier that afternoon.
A deceased woman’s body was not found naked in the hills near a popular bicycle trail.
No woman traveling alone in Los Angeles turned up in a septic tank.
There have been no mysterious or unexplained disappearances today after zero women have failed to show up for their shifts at the local diner/bar/club/salon/veterinarian’s office/dentist’s office.
No ex-boyfriends, ex-husbands, former coworkers, acquaintances, or employers have been charged in the wake of the death of no women.
No murdered woman’s body is currently decomposing in your area.
No local joggers have reported the sight of a single dead woman in any area trails, parks, recreation areas, bluffs, cliffs, beaches, hiking paths, lakes, rivers, ponds, glaciers, mountains, canyons, alleys, or bushes.
No women have been found in a bag, a refrigerator, a shallow makeshift grave, an attic, an abandoned lot, a warehouse, a cellar, the desert, a storage unit, an unmarked vehicle, or shed today.
All living women and girls in your area are currently present and accounted for, according to their loved ones.
The parts of no women have been found in a suitcase by airport security officers.
City police require no assistance identifying the partially-decomposed body of a woman who was never found in a ditch.
There have been no reported sightings of any dead women in any dumpsters or garbage cans in a fifty-mile radius.
All female women in your neighborhood are feeling great today.
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.