Every woman fondly remembers the moment she first realized that, like it or not, “the way Kids in the Hall cast members look in drag” was going to be a deep and integral component of her sexual identity. For me it was the summer I turned eleven, and also every day since then, with the occasional Thursday off. Let us now rank the relative attractiveness of several prominent British and Canadian sketch comedians in drag, for we are young and the world is ours.
Please note that this list is entirely complete, and also correct. There is no margin of error. Everything is as it should be.
Unranked. Graham Chapman and John Cleese, Mrs. Premise and Mrs. Conclusion
Awarded no points. They are not trying. These tired, waspish pepperpots are an insult to drag, and they are not even wearing hose.
10. Terry Jones in Finishing Sentences
She’s plain, there are no two ways around it, but there is an animation and a luminous quality to her expression that makes her quietly attractive.
9. Kevin McDonald in Secretaries
The hair and the limp ascot are very of-their-era, but the eyes are lovely.
8. Stephen Fry in Tahitian Kitchen
Alternately soothing and terrifying, compelling yet menacing. You look away, then wish you had not. The kind of face that drifts unbidden across the transom of your lightly buzzing mind in the moments before sleep.
7. Scott Thompson as Francesca Fiore
More vampy than is strictly necessary, but knows what to do with red lipstick and a few simple, stark accessories.
6. Eric Idle in Reenacting Pearl Harbor
A surprisingly seductive wryness. Very nearly enchanting.
5. Hugh Laurie as Blonde Woman
It’s the wig. Hugh Laurie rarely looks this good as a woman, but this particular wig suits him enormously. Her face is wistful and vulnerable in turn, with none of the sharp edges that plagued so many of his other female characters.
4. Bruce McCulloch as Tammy
Like a peach, this one.
3. Dave Foley, anytime
Nothing more needs to be said on this point. Consistent excellence in the field of looking like Isabella Rossellini.
2. Noel Fielding as Vince’s brain receptionist
“They call me the great confuser. Is he a man? Is he a woman? Ooh, I’m not sure I mind.” The hair a bit Far Side-ish, but that’s a minor quibble. Gleefully, unrepentantly tacky, and not a little bit suggestive, either.
1. Mark McKinney in Hotel La Rut
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.