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Home: The Toast

Previous entries in the series can be found here.

hey have you seen my work khakis?
I think I might have lost them or something
which is crazy because I had them on yesterday
have you seen them?
its only after we’ve lost everything
that we’re free to do anything
ok yes definitely
you have to lose everything
everything includes pants
pants are a thing, so

I am super on board with that
like a noun or whatever, pants are
I’m just wondering
specifically
where my pants are
because they are my actual last pair of pants
YOU ARE NOT YOUR PANTS
I know
I AM NOT YOUR PANTS
no I definitely know that
I just need these pants for work
YOU ARE NOT YOUR JOB
I’m not trying to be my job I swear
but we are down to our last forty bucks
I really
we can’t afford to lose this money right now
you are not special
what?
you’re not a fucking snowflake
I know that
I don’t think it’s being a snowflake to want pants
everything is decaying
we’re all just part of the same compost heap
your pants are decaying
my pants are in the compost heap?
well everything is in the compost heap
so you do the fucking math
you do the compost math

 

fuck the fridge is out again
do you mind calling Jasper sometime today
let him know we need to make an appointment
did you ever think that maybe
your life is just too complete?

is the fridge too complete?
you have to break everything
to make something better

i really don’t think your malaise is the fridge’s fault
it isn’t not the fridge’s fault
only after disaster can we be resurrected

and breaking the fridge
that’s part of your resurrection
our resurrection
we’ve all been raised on TV to believe
that one day we’d all be millionaires

huh
what show was that
and movie gods
I mostly watched scooby doo
I think
and rock stars
gilligan’s island maybe
whatever that show was that was like
it wasn’t the smurfs
but it kind of was the smurfs
but underwater?
they had weird spout noses i remember
but we won’t
and we’re slowly learning that fact
and we’re very, very pissed off

and this is the fridge’s fault
is your life really so empty
that you honestly can’t think of a better way
to spend these moments

god
okay fine
i’ll call jasper
you won’t have to do anything
ive been peeing in your soup
like every day

what?
nothing
fuck you

fuck the fridge
do you own your fridge
or does your fridge own you

it’s not even my fridge
you had this fridge when I moved in
i was wrong about you, man
you really are your pants

 

ugh
do you know what’s the worst

what?
moms
fucking moms
and like
IKEA
and our jobs
because they trap us in nests
god i hate how easy it is
to just get jobs
and make money all the time
and have a mom
it’s not real, you know?

right
like “oh i’m your mom”
“i’m gonna love you and raise you and shit”
well guess what mom
i’m gonna set skyscrapers on fire
because god’s not my dad

what?
i’m gonna shit on the mona lisa
and beat up beautiful guys

because of consumerism
huh
shit right on the mona lisa

 

heyyyy
u comin to fight club tonight
gonna be super fighty

hey
hey are u around
i need a ride
to fight club
(so i can fight)

DUDE ANSWER ME
ARE YOU COMING
OR ARE YOU NOT COMING
TO FIGHT CLUB
TO THE FIGHT CLUB THAT YOU FUCKING HELPED ME INVENT
I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PISS ON YOUR NEW PANTS
IF YOU DO NOT ANSWER ME
IN THE NEXT FIVE FUCKING DAMN ASS SECONDS

jesus
yes
i’m coming to fight club
OH MY GOD
what?
WHAT IS LITERALLY THE FIRST RULE

jesus
tyler
LITERALLY THE FIRST RULE WE MADE FOR FIGHT CLUB
please don’t piss on my pants
THE ONE RULE
you’re talking about it
you’re calling it fight club right now
how is that not the same thing
“HOW IS THAT NOT THE SAME THING”
fuck you is how

[Image via Wikimedia Commons]

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