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Home: The Toast

For previous installments in our series of fan fictions about the actors who play Sherlock Holmes, click here.

Year: 2013
Place: London
Smaller place: Ye Olde Mitre
Smallest place: A table for three, with the two friends seated next to each other, sweetly, and the reporter across.

REPORTER: How remarkable that you two know each other!

NICOLE: Yes! Because he died, or so we were all led to believe. You should have seen the look on my face when I glanced up from my desk and there he was. I fainted clear away.

REPORTER: And, are you two?–

NICOLE: Oh! No, no, but we’re very close. Most of the time he just injects me with cocaine and then we wander the streets of London in elaborate disguises, solving crimes.

REPORTER: Are you…are you an actual detective then, Mr. Brett, or are you just an actor who played Sherlock Holmes?

JEREMY: (waves hands dismissively, smiles coldly for a fraction of a second, face returns to immobility)

8728_2410NICOLE: So many people forget that Jeremy wasn’t just Sherlock Holmes. Did you know he was that darling Freddy in My Fair Lady? Why on earth did Eliza wind up with that awful, grumpy Henry Higgins, in an era before Cialis, when she could have had the devoted affections of an age-appropriate and ridiculously handsome man?

REPORTER: That’s true, isn’t it.

NICOLE: It really is! He was this glorious, sexy man who never tormented her or barraged her with insults or shout-sang entire songs about her failings as a woman. But, there you have it, it wasn’t meant to be.

REPORTER: Jeremy, can you tell us more about your friendship with Nicole?

JEREMY: (nostrils flare, he stands up abruptly, takes out his violin, saws at it briefly)

NICOLE: I’m afraid we do have to go. For the last three weeks, we’ve been infiltrating an opium den where an ex-Mormon has been hiding out while pretending to have red hair and sending coded letters to a Spanish woman. It’s absolutely thrilling.

JEREMY: And then, perhaps I will sing to you.

NICOLE: (dreamily) Yes.

JEREMY: And then do outreach work for individuals like myself, who are bipolar and bisexual. Either, or both, of course.

NICOLE: Of course.

(they climb into a hansom cab, he reaches out and taps the roof with his walking stick, they are off)

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