Home » Ancient Grains • Dads » Dad Magazine: September 2013 Dad Magazine: September 2013 Jaya Saxena and Matt Lubchansky on September 12, 2013 in Ancient Grains, Dads 486268 Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F2013%2F09%2F12%2Fdad-magazine-september-2013%2FDad+Magazine%3A+September+20132013-09-12+13%3A00%3A15Jaya+Saxena+and+Matt+Lubchanskyhttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F%3Fp%3D4862 Photo credit: Flickr Tags: dad magazine, dads, jaya saxena, matt lubchansky, sneezes, sock rules Related PostsDad Magazine: November EditionDad Magazine: December 2014 EditionDad Magazine: October EditionScary Stories to Tell Dads in the DarkI’d Love To Help My Wife Do The Dishes, But I’m Trapped Under Something Heavy The Punchline About Author by Jaya Saxena and Matt Lubchansky Jaya Saxena is a New Yorker who writes for lots of things. Uncommon Courtesy, New Amsterdam Mystery Company, and The Toast are some of them. Follow her on Twitter @jayasax. Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. His work includes Please Listen to Me and New Amsterdam Mystery Company. He's on Twitter, and doesn't expect you to get his name right. 4862Latest Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F2013%2F09%2F12%2Fdad-magazine-september-2013%2FDad+Magazine%3A+September+20132013-09-12+13%3A00%3A15Jaya+Saxena+and+Matt+Lubchanskyhttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F%3Fp%3D4862 icebergmama Everything about this is perfect. His apron is super accurate and he is holding a fine, well-chosen steak. Embroidered polos must be for fancy dads; my dad is at free promotional t-shirt level. (Edited b/c not Jaya's dad, apparently) brenda Well-chosen steak! I am more and more convinced that my boyfriend was meant to be a dad. Tevas, fanny pack for camping and day hikes, and an uncanny ability to choose the best cut of meat for the circumstances. EPWordsnatcher Gurl, that's not a steak, that's a chicken leg with part of the chicken still attached. And my dad is in the promotional embroidered polo/golf shirt phase. Is there a dad shirt continuum? icebergmama aww man, it's been too long since I've seen uncooked meat. (wait, that sounds dirty. I'm married to a vegetarian, you guys) S. Pebbletush My dad moved past that phase into "Whaddaya want me to wear? I like this, it's a classic!" That "classic" piece is a wool Brooks Brothers sweater that is older than I am and has holes in the elbows from our family's weird "no matter how chubby or skinny or ripped we are, we have insanely sharp elbows" gene. Please note: he is wearing this sweater in many of my baby pictures. I have recently graduated from law school. meetapossum Right? I'm like, "What polos?" We're lucky if we can get my dad to wear a shirt at all, much less one with sleeves. 10000 buckets As soon as my dad retired, he began a second career as Sweatshirt Guy. His powers include wearing sweatshirts and baseball caps at all times, tucking his sweatpants into his socks (their house is COLD!), and the ability to maintain an endless supply of exotic beers. Ophelia I'm just saying, I could get behind that last superpower, if he's willing to share. fictitious Yes, free promotional t-shirts that his adult daughters got that were too big for them. And then he'll coordinate which free t-shirt he'll wear based on which one of us he is seeing in person. "Did you notice my 2006 Friends of the Library Book Sale shirt, fictitious?" DADS. DelectableDetriment "Relive your punk-rock youth with mismatched socks" EPWordsnatcher Stick It To The (Laundry) Man! DelectableDetriment (I actually just think he does it to annoy mum) JocastaCarr 'Is your sneeze terrifying enough?" has been making me laugh for the last 15 minutes, because my dad's sneeze could wake the dead. We've made him warn us (when he can) before it happens, because otherwise we jump out of our skins. I had no idea that was actually a "Dad" thing and that makes me weirdly happy for some reason. Oh, dads… rachelrachel I WAS JUST THINKING THE SAME THING. Amphora It's totally a dad thing! You could hear my dad's yell-sneeze from across the house. The scary part is lately I've started to sound more like him JennCulp I try to hold my own sneezes because I'm worried I'll sound like my dad's. His are DEAFENING. TheRenleigh My mom yells at my dad for scaring the cats when he sneezes. I have also recently started to sound like him and I know what he says is true–you can't control it! icebergmama My dad is the opposite – he tries to hold it in and I worry he's going to burst a blood vessel or have an aneurysm or something Pwickup My dad is also the opposite of this. He is a sneezer of tidy little, almost-silent sneezes, and a vocal advocate of this method. Relatedly, he is a disparager of sneezers who phonate. I'm pretty sure that a solid 5% of what he said to my brother and me before we left for college was some (annoyed) variation of "You know, you don't need your vocal chords to sneeze." Yes, Dad. We well and truly know by now. icebergmama yes, but to be fair, translated from Dad language that sneeze criticism is a deep and heartfelt expression of love. ;) DelectableDetriment Both my dad and my husband sneeze like a small offshore oil rig exploding. WAAAAAA-HOOOOOOOM! WAAAAA-HOOOOOOOOOOOOM! thebellewitch My husband sneezes at normal volume, but never just sneezes once. It's always three times, which drives me irrationally crazy. So we just had a baby daughter. GUESS HOW MANY TIMES SHE SNEEZES. The two of them will be the death of me. Prawns My fiance and I agree that I will be the one to dad-sneeze in our house. His family has no dad sneezers, mine has everyone, and I already dad-sneeze regularly whilst being neither a parent nor a guy. Jaya Haha I apologize guys but this is actually not my dad! THOUGH, if you wanna see my dad, please check out this dude in the mustache and vest second from the left. https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=410046439… Matt Lubchansky Jaya for the last time stop trying to tell everyone your dad is Morris Day Yet To Register oh my GOD what a dad's dad Jaya My dad really liked vests apparently http://rogerbourland.com/2012/03/22/bravo-to-robe… EPWordsnatcher Those sideburns are a thing of frightful beauty. Yet To Register MAGNIFICENT pairing of dad jeans, vest, and red tie he is a dadspiration to us all icebergmama DADSPIRATION LittlestOak Jumping (OK, Falling) in the Swimming Pool While Cleaning the Patio: The Best Ways to Combine Your Exercise and Landscaping Routines EPWordsnatcher Post-Labor Day Grilling: Why A Little Blizzard Never Stopped Anyone (Inside: Your Month-By-Month Guide to Grilling In The Elements!) aravisthequeen My dad has proudly grilled the Thanksgiving turkey for the past 30 years. He even has a special hook to lift the turkey onto and off the grill. (WEBER ONLY, gas grills are for suckers.) brenda Get him the Big Green Egg. That grill. Sigh. (it's a thing of beauty, but crazy expensive) EPWordsnatcher I think my dad would grill our turkey if my mom let him get away with it. At least he's not deep-frying it? Coleen The first snow of the year is always met with burgers and dogs on the grill. Wait – that's *not* how everyone else's family does it? Bbr One of my favorite parts of Christmas is my dad and my partner huddling outside, frying bacon on the gas grill burner (&/or camp stove, when it is too cold for the grill to light properly) for Christmas morning breakfast. This method was invented several years back to save the vegetarian contingent from having to put up with bacon-smell. Also because they really enjoy it. JennCulp My dad's sneeze is the loudest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. He actually makes a cartoon "A-CHOOOOOOO!" sound, but like 175 decibels. Canard My dad's is more like "HRWHHHAFSH!" Kind of how a 400-foot-tall cat would sneeze. S. Pebbletush My dad's is a "HAAAAAAAAAA-GNSHRKNCK" that has scared the dog SO MANY TIMES. Matt Lubchansky My father once sneezed in the basement of our house and it woke me up, on the second floor. My sneeze gets louder every year. Scandyhoovian My dad never sneezes multiple times. It's always once* and it sounds kind of like 'ye-SCHEEE!!!" and it comes with this flailing upward arm motion that implies he was trying to muffle the sneeze with his upper arm and shoulder, but never made it. *unless he's sick; then it's a horrifying series of his regular sneeze in multiples, followed by theatrical sniffling and then honking loud nose-blowing. Dad Theater, now showing Melodramatic Bodily Functions, evenings and matinees… daisymap You're Just resting Your Eyes: 7 Easy Ways to Transition Smoothly from Snoozing To Mid-Conversation And Back Again. daisymap Organised Hamsters Trying to Escape a Tin Can: How to Describe Modern Music To Your Children. eviesky My dad always went with: "Boots in a dryer" thesarahgirl I just choked on spit laughing at the Sneezing headline. Does anyone else's dad sneeze not only loudly, but like fifteen times in a row? Sneezing is a PRODUCTION with my dad. Yet To Register it ain't a sneeze if it don't come in threes #mydad mindy Using Caps To get your Point ACROSS meetapossum How to Get the Best Angle of that Deer: Hunting Pictures Your Daughter Will Enjoy Bittersweet Oh, you guys, I am laughing and crying at the same time reading this post and all the comments. My dad would love the article about the alarm clocks – it always drove him crazy when teenage me slept until noon. On a more somber note, my dad passed away suddenly a few weeks ago. He was absurdly healthy and the last person I thought I'd lose. Please call your dads and tell them how much you love them – white socks, horrifying sneezes and all! Ashley L Oh dear, I'm so sorry to hear that. Love and peace to you, and your family. Dad sneezes are precious. EPWordsnatcher Oof, honey, that is so unbelievably hard and I'm so sorry. Dads are the best and my heart hurts for your loss. I will definitely hug my dad extra this weekend. icebergmama Darlin I'm so sorry for your loss. I really should figure out how to use the goddamn Skype. anachronistique I'm so sorry. (And feeling glad I called home just last night.) <333 gojetta So sorry to hear that. I lost my dad (also pretty suddenly) in 2010. These posts are kind of bittersweet for me– they make me a bit jealous of everyone who still has a dad in their life, but also a very warm fuzzy feeling thinking of my dad and all the funny, awesome dads. And usually some snort laughter. SarcasticFringehead It's Never Too Early In the Morning For An Anatomy Lesson: What Your Kids Can Learn From That Half-Eaten Deer Carcass anachronistique Black pants, white socks, black shoes. DADS! Amphora Related: From The Courtroom to the Marina to Your Daughter's Wedding: How to Make the Most of Your One Suit Jacket sarahspy LONG LIVE DAD MAGAZINE unshored My dad gave me many years ago, as a present, an alarm clock/radio that is supposed to sync via radio link with the official atomic clock from the National Institute of Standards and Technology so that you always know the correct time down to the millisecond. In this clock's old age, it has started to be weirdly and unpredictably off by, like, 47 minutes here, or an hour and 20 minutes there. I think if I told my dad, he might never recover from the disappointment. MrsTeacherFace I am the horribly loud sneezer in our family, so I guess come April I will be the loudly sneezing Mom. My husband is horrified by my sneezes which are ALMOST (but not quite) as loud as my father's. My husband will be our family's dainty sneezer. laurenoneal My dad yells "Oh no!" between his terrifying sneezes. Are you having a conversation somewhere across the room? Somewhere across the house? Guess what, now you're listening to terrifying sneezes. rosalineee Always, always wonderful. accidentalbeard I never knew that Dad-Sneezes were such a thing! I remember rushing out of my bedroom once because I heard my dad YELL from downstairs and I thought something had fallen on him. It was just a sneeze. He told me once that he had to be quiet and proper at his office job all day so sneezed especially loud at home where it didn't matter. WhatICantEven Longtime 'Pin and Toast lurker here. Finally created an account just so I can talk about Dad sneezes. My Grandpa used to sneeze shockingly loudly, but the bigger hit with us grandkids was that when he blew his nose, it would honk like a freight train. My dad (his son) had the same phenomenon, so that is like Dadness multiplied exponentially. figwiggin JUST THIS MORNING before leaving for the bus back to Mexico my dad made a comment about how great early morning is. I think I grumbled something unintelligible into my cereal. amativus I always forward Dad Magazine on to my entire family as soon as it is posted, but that's starting to backfire on me. Ever since I sent him the last issue, my dad has started incorporating Patton facts into daily conversation. IT'S GIVING HIM IDEAS. EPWordsnatcher This is delightful.