hey
where are you?
hi
where are you?
you’re like two hours late
it’s almost midnight
i can’t get out of the house right now
is your car blocked?
do you need a ride?
no
it’s like
there’s this bird
there’s a bird on your car?
no he’s sitting on my statue
it’s like
mm it just keeps looking at me
got those fiery bird eyes
you know?
what?
fired up eyebirds
you know
like how when a bird looks at you so much
that you can’t leave the house
that’s
no
that’s never happened to me
well it’s happening like crazy over here
so i have to keep looking at him
it might take a while
oh and plus i fell asleep reading
i was asleep for like an hour
i literally just woke up
and now i have this bird thing to deal with
so i don’t think i’m going to make it tonight
sorry hun 🙂
search Contacts for “Lenore”
Contact not found
hey i’m going to be late to Kim’s thing
can’t really leave the house right now
save a seat for me though okay
is that bird still there?
no
lol what bird?
oh
yes
but that’s not the point
the bird’s fine, whatever
it’s the bells
the bells?
yeah
the bells, bells, bells, bells,
bells, bells, bells-
what bells?
from the jingling and the tinkling of the bells
what bells are in your house?
oh man what kind of bells AREN’T here
mellow wedding bells
golden bells
loud alarum bells
bronze bells
terror bells
terror bells?
all kinds of bells
the anger of the bells
the horror of the bells
the iron bells
sobbing bells, bells, bells, bells, bells,
bells, bells, bells, bells
okay
okay I’ll save you a seat
yeah definitely save me a seat though
i’m for sure going to make it
i just have to sit through the bells first
right
search Contacts for “Lost Lenore”
Contact not found
hey is Virginia going to be there
which Virginia?
the hot one
I don’t know which one you mean
the one who’s always sick
i think she has cholera
or tuberculosis or something
the tall one?
no
the redhead?
the one whose dad is brothers with my dad
your cousin Virginia?
lol idk how else you make cousins
except for having dads that are brothers
so yeah
oh
I don’t know
save me a seat next to her okay
if she’s coming
hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
Hi
ok don’t be mad at me
why?
i feel like you’re going to be mad at me
or like you’re mad at me
or something
so don’t be mad at me
you’re not coming
i can’t coooome to the thiiiiing tonight
i’m so sorry
you can’t leave the house?
oh my god i canNOT leave the house
I feel like that’s turning into a thing with you
what do you mean
well
like last week
you couldn’t leave the house
because you were too busy looking at a bird
is it the bird thing again?
hi
whoa
hi
whoa
i wasn’t LOOKING at a bird
wow where is this even coming from
the BIRD
wouldn’t stop LOOKING
at ME
okay
that’s a really big difference
anyone can look at a bird
i could go look at a bird right now if i wanted
i could go look at the same bird
he’s still fucking here
not that you asked
I literally just did ask
fuck you
why can’t you leave the house
oh my god
where to even START
there’s a heart in the floor
and it will not shut uppppp of beating
but that’s not even the main thing
there’s a cat with one eye that keeps calling me a murderer
well
did you murder anyone?
wow
you know what you sound like right now?
do I sound like the cat
you sound like the cat with one eye
I’m just asking because you said you had a heart in the floor
I said there WAS a heart in the floor
not that i HAD a heart in the floor
there are a lot of reasons a person could have a heart in their floor
not just murder reasons
thanks a lot though
Tags: bells, edgar allan poe, hot cousins, lenore, looking at birds, texts from
I feel like Poe would get really drunk and text you long angsty texts at 4am.
“Awwww, c’mon luvah. I’m just a Poe boy from a Poe Family ;* “
Now go back and read this again, but in your head, read Poe’s texts in the voice of Stefon from SNL. It’s kind of uncanny! Right?
what do you call a perfect thing that has just been rendered more perfect?
pluperfect.
Haha I JUST discovered Stefon last night.
I would love to read Poe’s texts Valdemar.
This is where I tell you that I met my boyfriend at the bar where Poe supposedly was the night he died. As in, he stumbled out drunk, fell in the gutter, and that was the beginning of the end.
The one in Baltimore?? I love that place 🙂
“He” meaning Poe, or your boyfriend? I heard that Poe didn’t actually die drunk– (http://www.eapoe.org/geninfo/poedeath.htm)–but you probably know more than I about this.
The link’s broken, but yes. I believe the latest theory is rabies.
Well, this just made my day. I think maybe this:
did you murder anyone?
wow
you know what you sound like right now?
do I sound like the cat
you sound like the cat with one eye
Was my favorite. It’s hard to tell, it’s all so good.
there’s a heart in the floor
and it will not shut uppppp of beating
NOT JUST MURDER REASONS
Okay, you did not just say that.
What? She’s a good kisser.
She’s your cousin.
Yeah, but she’s my first cousin.
Right.
So, you have your cousins, and then you have your first cousins, and then you have your second cousins…
No, honey, uh-uh.
That’s not right, is it?
That is so not right.
I just signed into The Toast for the first time ever to comment that this is perfect, hilarious, and ingenious. Thanks to the commenter over at the Hairpin today for telling me where you all went. <3 I know there have been announcements about it, but after the first time, I kept forgetting to check over here.
I too just found out about The Toast after The Hairpin became…what it is now, let’s just call it that. My life was so bleak without Mallory and Nicole. Now I belly laugh at my desk all afternoon and can finally sleep through the night, knowing that the hilarity will continue.
Hi! I can’t believe the volume of excellent and funny writing going on here, courtesy of Mallory and Nicole. How do they doooo eeet?
hey can you come get mee
I guess? Where are you?
in a wall.
What? What wall?
idk just a wall.
Are you drunk?
yes
no. just had some amontillado nbd.
neway can you come soon?
its hard to breathe
in this wall
a friend of mine once texted me “come find me”
“where are you”
“in the alley”
“what alley”
Turned out the alley was in Spain.
THIS IS MY FAVORITE THING
Yesyesyesyesyesyesyes favoritest texts EVER!!!!
/end fangirl squeeing
He’s probably onto something not wanting to go outside, since that one time he did, he DIED.
So good. I love how text messaging shows the most passive-aggressive side of all the texts-from authors.
hey so i can’t come tonight
what?
why not?
i lost the invitation
the one with the address on it
the one with the numbers
I left it on your desk
well i don’t see it
did you move it?
no
but its definitely not here
well I left it in the middle of your desk
like literally the easiest place to find it
those things are soooooo hard to find tho
the things in plain sight
ok
do you want me to text you the address
no
<3
This is my favorite. I realize I say this EVERY time Mallory posts a new “texts from…” But this one wins.
In college we decided a good drinking game would be to drink every time Poe writes “bells” in “The Bells.”
Are you a ghost?
hey i hear the ushers are having a thing tonight, you want in
are you actually going to go
no but i hear their parties are sure to . . .
don’t say it
BRING DOWN THE HOUSE
OMG this is amazing.
Looking forward to more from the “hot cousins” tag, including “Texts from Shelbyville” and an entire series on the British monarchy.
Poe texts like an emo pre-teen…of course, it’s pitch perfect. Just like Mr. Rochester and his all caps texting.
fired up eyebirds
Malloryyyyyy ilu
Malloryyyyyy ilu
This is the perfect place to admit that I almost moved from a table the other day because a bird was staring at me and it was the creepiest thing ever.
Also this is the funniest thing ever
I feel like Poe might use this -___- emoticon a lot. Or maybe this one @___@
4 th <3 of Gd, Montressr!!!
Well done!
I’m going to teach ALL OF THESE
i am out of the house, are you happy now
what, where are you?
at the party
i told you I was at the grocery store
are you the one pretending to be the bird
i am buying tomatoes
or maybe the one who’s Napoleon?
did you get into the amontillado again
no
maybe
why is it by the swinging scythe then
i don’t know whose house all this stuff is in that you talk about all the time, but it is literally not yours
you know, tar and feathers is a good look on you
plz tell me you’re not at the insane asylum
why do you always say such mean things about my friends?
but srsly, where r u
(de-lurking out of my intense love for these “Texts From…” series. SUCH A FAN.)