Men Apologizing To Me

by Mallory Ortberg · October 9, 2013

Of all the pitches and submissions we receive at The Toast every week, I’d guess that about eighty percent or so are from women. Of those, I’d guess about half are from first-time writers. Of those, I’d guess about half begin with an apology for not pitching properly or having a half-formed idea or for existing in the first place.

Which means that every week, a lot of women apologize to me for wanting to write.

And it’s such a shame, because the pitches we get are wonderful — tremendous — bizarre –funny — and not at all something to apologize over. Sometimes I get a story or an idea that isn’t quite right for us, but even then I love getting to hear from readers and I’m always, always happy to read about something that matters to you.

You are not, and your thoughts are not, and your words are not, an imposition.

This is not, I should point out, a directive to “just stop apologizing.” Sometimes it’s just a filler phrase, or a way of acknowledging a certain sense of awkwardness or insecurity, and if you’re apologizing about your writing before I’ve even gotten the chance to read it, the very last thing I want is to make you feel worse about how you’ve gone about pitching it. But for those of you who are writing professionally or publicly for the first time, or thinking about maybe possibly someday doing it after a few drinks, I would like you to know that you are never wasting my time, you are never bothering me, and you are worth hearing from, very much.

perfect

This is rapidly growing maudlin, so let’s move on to the fun part.

I also get pitches from a not-insignificent number of straight white men,* and while I love you all enormously and will allow many of you to live after the revolution, you really ought to be picking up the women’s slack in the apology department. Sometimes you even send me pitches about a subject after I’ve specifically asked only to hear from women. Sometimes — my boys, my pets, my darlings, my ickle eensy tiny poppets — you begin your pitches with “I know you asked to hear from women/women of color/LGBT women/literally anyone in the world but me just this one time, but…” My sweet little twitching angels, such behavior merits a sincere apology.

And apologize they did, after I put the situation to them, like good boys. Here are some of their apologies, for your benefit. May your bones draw strength from the vulnerability of men.

At this point I began to feel dangerously powerful.

SEA WITCH

Still the apologies came.

The sense of power grew, as if I were wearing a tiara of brambles and apologies, sitting and laughing on a writhing throne of murmuring male regret, gloriously alone.

throne

Men, you are absolved. Go in peace, to love and serve The Toast.

*I hear from non-straight, non-white, non-cis men too, but you gentlemen have all been terrific. Keep doing exactly what you’re doing.

Images by Matt Lubchansky, who makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. His work includes Please Listen to Me and New Amsterdam Mystery Company. He’s on Twitter, and doesn’t expect you to get his name right.

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Mallory Ortberg

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126 Comments

    2. MalloryOrtberg +98

      Do you know what Nicole taught me yesterday? As a moderator, I can go into Intense Debate and change ANYONE’S COMMENTS.

      I can make you say anything I want, Emby. You have a nice day, now.

      2. NicoleCliffe +53

        I wanted to use that power to make Danzig! apologize to me about Five Guys, but Mallory said no.

        1. sednarea51 +8

          Don’t worry. Vengeance is coming for him regardless. Hot, saucy, juicy, spicy vengeance.

  4. safvn +51

    This is a beautiful thing.

    A while ago, I was part of a program at my university that brought in feminist women who did freelance writing (for both print and online publications) to discuss how to do freelancing as a woman. One of the things they all said was to be confident – in pitches, writing, everything. They said that given the same level of experience and expertise, men will believe they know more than enough to write, where women will think they don’t know enough. That really stuck with me.

    Anyway, all of this is to say, thank you for this post!

  5. thatrobin +24

    I have a google doc titled “Toast Pitches?”

    It is getting pretty long.

    But actually writing anything up enough to submit is intensely terrifying.

      1. daisymap +32

        I have a Google Doc entitled ‘Annoying Conversations I Have Had With Other People (Presented In The Form of Short Dramatic Plays.)’

        3. lizardjellybean +11

          I have a Google Doc with my sketchpartnerbestfriendsisterfromanothermister called, “IDEAGOLD,” with just a list of all the things we think are hilarious that we should write sketches about. This list includes, “People moving really fast,” “Manufacturers of children’s snacks,” and, “Loose lunch meats.” WE’RE THE NEXT AMY AND TINA, Y’ALL.

      2. thatrobin +7

        That’s actually the title of the one I have collecting all of the well-reasoned comments I’ve ever written and decided not to post in the interest of not banging my head further against a wall.

      3. bustedsneakers +19

        I have one titled “regrettable texts I have sent to best friend in the course of a decade” which includes many things about the period of my life spent cleaning horse’s intimate areas for angry Germans.

        I never pitch shit to anyone ’cause I’m absolutely terrified of comments sections and having public, committed opinions.

        1. SarcasticFringehead +6

          I would be refreshing the comments constantly, and as soon as someone said something even a tiny bit negative, my confidence in my opinion/ability would com crashing down.

          …or maybe that’s why I need to do it?

          1. mbculver +7

            I got a rasher of negative comments over something very vaguely un-PC I wrote in the middle of a Hairpin piece from last summer, and I’m still here. Cue Carol Burnett in Follies.

          2. cuntessvonfingerbang +2

            That’s why I stick to my anonymous no-comments-allowed blog that no one in the entire world reads. I got positive feedback from a couple of people a few times and it made me want to curl up and die in shame but also scream from the rooftops, “I’M FUNNY! PEOPLE LIKE ME!”

        2. Ophelia +1

          That’s probably a good thing, because the combination of horses’ nethers and pitching shit can’t go anywhere comforting.

          1. bustedsneakers +2

            It was a rare day that did not involve gin and tears at that job. See also the below thread on Brinetinis.

        3. resquipedalian +5

          WHAT I’ve never been brave enough to comment on here before, but the fact that we seem to share such an, erm, intimate, period of our lives (right down to the angry Germans) has given me strength.

          And I’m not apologizing.

          (Hi!)

          1. bustedsneakers +17

            OH MY GOD, YOU KNOW WHAT I AM TALKING ABOUT. And I’ve been asked to never mention it again by everyone except that one friend, who embroidered a pillow about The Chore, as we’ve been friends since I plunked down in front of her at the bar and introduced myself by saying “I spent all day cleaning REDACTED.”

            The pillow says “You had me at I Spent All Day Cleaning [redacted]” in a charming cross-stitch. It is the ur-sampler. Hi!

          2. resquipedalian +6

            If you or your friend ever decide to mass-market (or mini-market?) such pillows, I will buy one SO. FAST.

        4. cuntessvonfingerbang +3

          I have also cleaned more than my fair share of sheaths, so I would absolutely write you positive comments on an article about such experiences.

          1. bustedsneakers +7

            I eventually got out of The Chore via “religious objections” and the extremis act of waving an actual tiny pride flag at my manager.

      5. Meg

        I have one entitled: “Theaters I have smoked outside and loved- A Writer/Hanger-on’s guide to drama”

  6. Doctor Jay +2

    Let me just remark that in my experience, possessing a Y chromosome does not make me more confident that people will want to read my writing. It’s been cited often that 57 percent of men make a salary counteroffer on their first job. I’m one of the 43 percent. This, it turns out, has cost me.

    My point is, this is something that’s learned. It’s learned because although it’s slightly obnoxious, it’s also valuable.

        1. msjinxie +4

          I love you back!
          I almost went with a classic Neil Degrasse Tyson eyeroll, but Lucille seemed more appropriate here.

    3. mamacitaconpistoles +50

      Well, ja. But who does the teaching and why? The fact that it is a learned skill reenforces Mallory’s general point. When you do learn that you can do those things, no one is going to call you a pushy ball busting harpy.

      You’re not not doing it because patriarchal society has told you you aren’t entitled to, is what I am saying.

  7. allabee +88

    I love this post! I’m a lady who pitched a piece (an idea of a piece, really) to Mallory and she let me know VERY kindly that it was not within the scope of the site but she wished me the best. It was a super positive interaction that I was actually kind of emboldened by! (I made a proactive move pertaining to writing and nobody died!)

    And guess what — I wasn’t sorry then, and I’M NOT SORRY NOW! Just takin’ the bull by the horns, YOLO, etc. Pitch those pieces, ladies.

        2. highfivesforall +5

          Yaaay I’m here guys, here I am for the high fives! (I can’t remember my password and am on a different computer than usual, but it is me I promise!)

      2. mamacitaconpistoles +8

        … … … yet.

        No, j/k. Learning to take risks and accept failures is a huge, huge asset, and that is awesome.

    2. sednarea51 +13

      YES! I had the SAME experience, and it was great. And I am still quietly thinking of pieces I want to pitch, and I ended up doing the thing I wanted to do in a fun ridiculous way on my Twitter account, and everybody won. GO TOAST.

      1. elsamac +3

        YES! My first Toast pitch (and there will be SO MANY MORE) was an entirely positive experience, even though that particular proposal didn’t fit the site’s needs.

    3. TARDIStime +6

      I wrote a question to She Said She Said and it hasn’t been published or answered, but that’s cool because writing out the email helped me figure out the answer to the question I was asking.
      The Toast: Solving your problems and they don’t even know it!

  8. rkfire +22

    “Pumpkin spice beardo” is a fantastic handle.

    As one of the apologetic female pitch-ers(?) I have to say that for me, part of the apology came from suspecting that there are Right Ways and Wrong Ways to pitch, but as a non-professional, non-trained Writer/semi-professional commenter, I had no idea about any of them and my google searches were not helpful at all! INTERWEBS WHY DID YOU LET ME DOWN

    [on this note i will write one day soon, promise! ^^;]

    2. MalloryOrtberg +23

      Oh, totally! And that’s why I didn’t want to say something prescriptive like “DON’T APOLOGIZE YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG AND LETTING FEMINISM DOWN,” because I totally understand that instinct: when you’re doing something for the first time and feeling unsure, it’s a way of connecting with the person you’re pitching and acknowledging you’re not a smooth old-timer.

      1. rkfire +21

        Totally understood! Also, what exactly is the Right Way to pitch? I am suspecting it is honestly just emailing and going “I want to write about X, what do you think?” because if that is the case, OMG, how is it so simple, this must be what happens when you put things on pedestals.

    3. themegnapkin +28

      Same, only I “pitched” to the Hairpin. If it’s not too much trouble, maybe the Toast could post a guide to writing a pitch?

      Also, I feel like I’ve been very lucky in my life wrt not facing too much sexism (overtly, anyway), and I can still think of MANY specific instances in which men have deliberately shamed me for asking for something that, thinking about years later with perspective, I either deserved or at least was entitled to ask for. That shit is scarring.

      1. kimberlyraye20 +18

        I love this idea of putting out there a guide to pitching an article. I’ve been secretly wanting to pitch something to The Toast for weeks, but have lacked the confidence to do so because the only thing that I’ve ever published is academic writing and also, I suspect that I am not weird or cool enough for the Toast. I would TOTALLY be the woman who apologizes to Mallory for taking up her time by reading my email.

        However, if I had a guide, maybe I could grow the chutzpah put something together. Maybe.

        1. rkfire +7

          Honestly, I have been struggling with the weirdness/coolness factor for a bit, as well as the insightfulness factor. I think we just need to just write, submit, and keep our fingers crossed!

        2. MalloryOrtberg +10

          I wish I could make a guide! There are so many different great ways to pitch, though, and I think if I were to tell you “do this and not that” we would lose out on some great, totally new ideas. What we like most in a pitch is hearing from someone who’s given a lot of thought to their piece/subject/etc and can give us a general sketch of where they want to take it. Enthusiasm and expertise — about anything — is what really matters. If we need more details from you, or have suggestions or concerns, we’ll let you know in our reply. I hope that’s helpful!

    4. meetapossum +25

      I work at a publishing company, and I know the rules of a query letter, but my pitch was literally just “Do you want my ghost story about Gettysburg?”

  10. DancingNarwhal +16

    Yes! At various points in time I’ve thought of sending something in, but my job has absolutely nothing to do with writing and so I don’t know if there is a way to do it or what a pitch is or if I should just collect all my scribblings and stuff them in a shoebox and mail them to Nicole and Mallory and hope they don’t burn it.

  11. icebergmama +79

    “Sorry for patriarchin'” = my favorite. God I love Ursula, I want someone to write an alternate where Ariel decides that becoming a Sea Witch sounds like more fun than banging some dude and then she and Ursula go out for brinetinis…

    …I’ve said too much and now I have to write this. Sorry in advance, Mallory 😉

    1. icebergmama +7

      PS I just pretty much wrote the thing I wanted to write and sent it in and made changes based on feedback – it’s usually been mostly “Make it longer” each time, just for the record!!!

      1. Dana +3

        Yeah, I just wrote a (short) paragraph on the idea, a paragraph on why I’m the person they need writing it, and a paragraph about why toasters will need/want to read it and it worked! Now I just gotta finish writing the durn thing

    3. meanchelled +14

      ARIEL IS PRACTICALLY THE SEA WITCH AMONG HER SISTERS! THIS IS THE ONLY LOGICAL STEP.

    5. jdumais +10

      Have you read Emma Donoghue’s Kissing the Witch? It was a pretty formative book for me when I encountered it in, like, middle school and it is all fairy tale retellings, many of them (if not most of them) queer, and iirc that is pretty much how the Little Mermaid one goes.

      1. icebergmama +4

        Yeah as soon as I typed it I was like “there is literally no way someone has not already written this”… still might give it a shot tho.

        1. erindubitably +9

          Oh no! That wasn’t to say you shouldn’t write it – there’s always more need for stories where the mermaid goes ‘fuck legs’ and parties down with the best character!

  12. jhsaxena +7

    Ok, so how do you pitch to someone you don’t know? Because I believe my last email to you was titled “kinda pitch sorta” and that does not fly on a cold call.

    1. MalloryOrtberg +27

      Oh, God, I have no idea. This is why I never pitch anyone I’m not already Gchat friends with, and why I will never be a titan of industry.

      1. jhsaxena +57

        I will now send all pitches with the subject “ACCEPT MY IDEAS OR FEAR THE SEA WOMYN”

      1. bustedsneakers +8

        Oh! I pitched Mike Dang once and as a consequence my partial rental history is on the Billfold, but they don’t pay so I’ve never pitched them again.

        You just write to Mike Dang and say “I would like to write about X” and he says “Sure but we don’t pay” then you write it anyway ’cause it seemed like an okay exercise.

  13. lyetteann +18

    This is actually something I learned in fandom! Whenever authors are like, “I’m sorry, this is probably terrible,” I’m like, “Well if you think it’s terrible, what are the odds of me liking it?” and I skip it.

    Of course, I was raised Catholic and thus have a natural inclination to apologize for everything, but I’m ruthless about editing out anything that doesn’t make my idea sound totally awesome before I send it.

    2. Lu2 +6

      Seriously, that is one thing that bugs me about fanfic–the abundance of self-deprecating tags and summaries. “This probably stinks” #idontknowwhati’mdoing #whereisthisgoing #dont hate me
      etc. I know that a lot of the writers must be really young, but it’s never too soon to learn not to stack the deck against yourself by negging your own writing.

      Yes. If you, the author, don’t believe in it, why should I waste my time reading it? to make you feel better about it?

    3. helvetica547 +6

      Yessss, I’m with you! I have to say, I started off writing in fandom by adding things like ‘Sorry, English is not my native language’ but I have weaned myself from that habit because it’s apologizing and a slight humble brag at once and it’s actually bad. And really, if you don’t think your story is good, why did you post it and why should I overlook that and still read it?

  14. SarcasticFringehead +27

    I learned this in college, when I would often write paragraphs like “I know [counterargument] and [another counterargument] and also [a third counterargument], but [argument] is right instead” and my professor pointed out that I was basically apologizing for my argument before I even got to it, and that there’s a difference between addressing counterarguments and deferring to them.

    1. QuadsForDays +10

      Yes! When I taught AP US History, I used to cheer on my students by telling them that their arguments are right! This is no time for modesty or wishy-washiness! It is time to stand firm!

      And I used a lot of exclamation points. High schoolers respond to those in speech and writing.

      1. cuntessvonfingerbang +7

        That is such good advice for students and also just for people in general! It took me a long time to stop prefacing everything I said with “in my opinion” or “this is just what I think, but” or “I don’t know for sure or anything but maybe” or some such wishy-washiness.

        1. icebergmama +12

          My first boss was a lady and she took me aside and said that she’d noticed I was really hesitant about bringing up ideas in meetings and to not be, because my ideas were good, and that it was a Lady Thing to do, and I was so lucky and grateful for that advice!

  16. JocastaCarr +58

    On a serious note, Mallory, this – “You are not, and your thoughts are not, and your words are not, an imposition.” is perfect and so important to hear, and thank you for saying it. I know I often go through my life feeling like I have to apologize whenever I do or say something even just a little bit wrong or off the mark, or when I ask for something I want. And I know a lot of other women feel the same way. But we do have the right as human beings to take up space in the world without having to excuse ourselves.

      1. JocastaCarr +5

        Oh I was definitely getting teary at my desk. Which made the subsequent male apologies that much more delightful and joyous.

    3. mbculver +9

      My 10-year-old daughter is already apologizing all the time when I am the least bit critical, and while it drives me completely bonkers, it also breaks my heart a little.

  18. figwiggin +8

    I have the nigh-constant impulse to apologize for my existence, but I try to rein it in most of the time because I want to look like I know what I’m doing, at least a little. That said, Mallory was nothing but kind to me in turning down my previous pitches, and there is a small flame in my heart that is fuled by the desire to write and submit something truly Toastworthy. I’m workin’ on it.

  19. QuadsForDays +2

    I pitched a month or two ago- early enough that I thought I might be getting in on the ground floor of The Toast zeitgeist and was totally one of those people. There was so much sorry. But I’m not a writer, and I suspect I’m not even the target demographic Toaster, and so I’m still sorry for not getting it.

    But I still want to write for the Toast.

    1. QuadsForDays +10

      Also, I’m pretty sure you all are going to get about a billion submissions today.

  21. osutein +26

    I’m sorry I didn’t apologize to you on twitter. Then it’d have shown up here and I could add “my work has appeared on The Toast” to my twitter bio.

  22. hellasplanitia +6

    Didn’t get in on the twitter apology flood.

    Sorry. White straight men really are the worst, and I’m so so sorry.

  23. starrykick +40

    One of the biggest arguments I ever had with my husband was about how he would say “I’m sorry you’re upset,” which is bullshit, instead of the proper apology “I’m sorry I upset you.” Ever since he accepted this basic truth, our marriage has been pretty awesome.

    1. TARDIStime +1

      OMG I’ve had “sorry you’re upset” before it is the WORST. How did you get your husband to see the difference between that and a proper apology?

  25. supernintendo +4

    I learned that apologizing is no way to introduce your work in film school where every screening would start with someone explaining what catastrophe affected their final cut (which was always something, because making movies with no money). My professor would stop us and say, “Martin Scorsese doesn’t get up in front of the theater and ‘explain’ what he meant to do.” Obviously we’re not all Martin Scorseses now, but the point is sometimes you just have to fake it.