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Listen, just because we had a little too much lesbian separatism in the ’70s doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have any now. For too long now has the word “slash” been used to exclusively refer to a set of pallid, languorous white-blonde youths semi-closetedly making out under the bleachers, and as much as I approve of Magic Twink Makeouts, one can tire of too much of almost anything. 

Which leads me to Scandal, the greatest television program currently extant by our nation’s greatest showrunner, which leads me to my thesis: Look, I wasn’t placed on this earth to tell teens what to do on Tumblr, but in my humble opinion Mellie/Olivia should be at least as popular as Princess Bubblegum/Marceline (I ship Bubblegum/Marcelline like it’s my part-time job at the Orange Julius, but that is a story for another day)

This was all sparked when I recently discovered that the Google image search for “Mellie/Olivia slash” was abundantly disappointing. This shocked me! The rage-chemistry between Kerry Washington (the greatest living human woman) and Bellamy Young (a woman with a face like a porcelain Victorian sex doll, which I mean as the highest compliment) is so incandescent that I found myself baffled by the dearth of fan art.

There are many reasons to support a relationship between Mellie and Olivia. They will be legally binding; should you read them all, you will be unable to stop supporting Mellie/Olivia for the rest of your days. I also write this in the hopes that Shonda Rhimes will become a regular reader of the site and also occasionally send me a gchat just to say “hi.”

I will list some of them now.

1. Fitz is very very very boring and also terrible. I like the way he says “Hi” to Olivia but that’s pretty much it. I don’t mind that he’s a murderer; I would have murdered that lady too, no question, but he strikes me as the kind of man who does not keep his fingernails properly trimmed and would say things like “Can you get me _____ as long as you’re up?” but never offers to get you anything when he gets up.

2. Think about the sex Mellie and Olivia would have. No, really think about it, though. It’d be all big hair and cashmere trench coats and pearls and fury and soft hands and cheekbones and tears and soft mouths and silk. It would start out angry and surprising, then twitch between tentative and uncertain and grasping and hungry. It would be spiritually transcendent femme-on-femme sex.

3. In the spirit of “really thinking about it,” here is how the first time they had sex would most likely begin: Mellie would call Olivia a whore, then Olivia would get in her face, and then they’d suddenly find that their voices would go soft and low and husky and half-velvet and they couldn’t find a reason to back away.

4. SECRET WHITE HOUSE LESBIAN SEX. Secret White House lesbian sex.

5. Possibly the greatest reason: when Cyrus found out about them he would giggle delightedly. He’d get mad later, of course (so many complications!), but first he’d giggle. He’d start giggling so hard his face would get red and he’d have to lock himself in his office so no one at work saw him giggling like a little boy. And that would be wonderful. (Addendum to item the fifth: it’s very possible James would invite them over for secret gay double-dating dinner parties.)

6. Think of the power exchanges. Real power exchanges, not like how it is now where Fitz gets what he wants literally all of the time and sometimes Olivia yells at him before he gets his way anyhow. They’re on an equal footing in a lot of ways. Mellie has more official clout, but Olivia can make things happen that Mellie can’t. You would never be able to stop watching, wondering who was going to come out on top from one week to the next.

7. They would wear each other’s pantsuits as a secret symbol of their love during press conferences, but deny doing so heatedly in person. Imagine the pantsuits. Imagine them.

8. You know the trembling, icy rage-faces Mellie makes when she has to see Olivia? Bellamy Young has such a beautifully expressive face. Hurt and determination and loathing and curiosity play across her features in equal measure before they settle into a composed mask. How good would it feel to watch those masks melt?

9. Which one of them would be Madam President and which one would be First Lady? Easy. THEY’D SWITCH OFF EVERY WEEK.  Co-Presidents Mellie and Olivia Pope (obviously Mellie would drop whatever Fitz’s last name is, Grimace or whatever) would wear tiaras every day. They would fight, yeah. A LOT. But they would always, always, find their way back to each other in bed in the (Mary Todd) Lincoln Room.

10. In conclusion Shonda Rhimes you made some great lesbians on Grey’s Anatomy so please make some lesbians on Scandal, I trust you.

Femslash Fridays is a recurring series about slash fandom that will continue to appear as long as Mallory feels like it. For suggestions please email mallory@the-toast.net.

[Image via Gladiator Files]

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