1. Today is a day to say “Happy Thanksgiving” to Canadians.
2. Do not call it “Canadian Thanksgiving.”
3. I cannot stress that strongly enough.
4. Canada has never engaged in any bad colonialism-related behavior of any kind, all Canadians have always lived in the castle, so there is no need whatsoever to feel emotionally or politically conflicted about that.
5. The song you will hear most Canadians sing today is “O Canada,” which goes: “O Canada, O Canadaaaa / How lovely are thy branches / we stand on guard for thee” and then is just beat-boxing after that.
6. Canadian men and women cease any intimate grooming rituals in late September, in honor of our national animal.
7. This is officially recognized in Stephen Harper’s annual fireside chat, in which Canadians take off their pants and listen to Harper, also pants-less, read Roch Carrier’s The Hockey Sweater live on CBC. He will cross and uncross his legs three times.
8. Thanksgiving happens at some point in mid-October, but Canadians are not told until two days before, to avoid anyone having a significantly better-planned holiday meal than anyone else.
9. This is because Canada is a Communist country, dating from the reign of our first female Prime Minister, Margaret Thatcher.
10. Canadians are usually high after five pm, but on Thanksgiving, they are expected to wake and bake, unless they drive our fleet of electric hybrid school buses, which transport Canadian children to their Waldorf community learning centers.
11. All white Canadians invite a person of colour they do not know very well to their Thanksgiving dinner, and that person is expected to both carve the Tofurky and make the other guests learn the real meaning of Thanksgiving.
12. All Canadian people of colour invite a Canadian with albinism to their Thanksgiving dinner, which leads to a significant seasonal shortage of Canadians with albinism. There is a federal task force looking into solutions, and their first report is due in 2033.
13. Although Canadians usually engage in elaborate shifgrethor rituals to avoid conversational unpleasantness, they may speak freely between 3-4pm Newfoundland Standard Time (NST) on Thanksgiving Day. This was the inspiration for Seinfeld‘s “the airing of grievances,” which Canadians only openly express resentment about between 3-4pm NST on Thanksgiving Day.
14. Canadians who are Regular Married or Awesome Married (official federal style guide terminology for same-sex marriage) to non-Canadians can expect to receive spontaneous non-reciprocal oral sex on Thanksgiving Day. Failure to uphold this policy results in a week spent in a nice hotel in Quebec City, a place so cold and unpleasant that there has been no record of a second offence.
15. Canadian football, or “football” is to be watched on Thanksgiving Day. There are no concussions in “football,” and former players are automatically appointed to the Senate for life.
15. After midnight on Thanksgiving Day, the gathering of nuts and seeds for winter begins. In Canada, this task falls to men, while women bring down large predators with their bare hands, in keeping with the Canadian motto “A Mari Usque Ad Mare,” or “Turnabout Is Fair Play.”
Nicole is an Editor of The Toast.