The Amazing Lady Godiva
this minx distracts her foes with nudity & chocolate
Catlady
Catlady’s superpowers include feeding feral specimens and getting called before the health board
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The Spectacular Gluten Boy
Gluten Boy eats those tempting grains, so you don’t have to.
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Sports Trivia Triathlete-Man
this brainiac can tell you every starting lineup of the Boston Red Sox going back 112 years. He is also well-versed in Celtics and Bruins history. His mother finds this all very impressive but wishes he wouldn’t monopolize the television so much.
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Man Who Doesn’t Look Silly Driving a Scion
he pulls off that non-ironic mustache, too!
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Guy With a Semi-Reliable Coke Connection
“Of course I can help — just let me make 12 phone calls and then we’ll wait for my guy behind the 7-11. Shouldn’t be more than three or four hours.”
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Ironic Maiden
Ironic Maiden has bangs that’ll slice right through you.
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Guy Who Is Awkward About Tipping
“Not to be a dick, Batgirl, but I mean it’s pretty clear that I drank only water and hardly touched the falafel platter, so I’mma just leave this JFK 50-cent piece and you can handle the rest. We cool?”
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Woman Who Always Finds Change in the Couch
you thought you’d dug out all those nickels. YOU WERE WRONG
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Man Who Can Say ‘The C-Word’ With Impunity
seriously, it’s insane what this guy gets away with
Graphic-Designer Man
this mysterious Brooklynite spends his free time designing t-shirts that are mildly amusing
TXT Force-Field Lady
this lady’s superpower is the ability to block all digital communications from former congressman Anthony Weiner
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Captain Marble
this superhero may look like a loaf of rye bread — but he can fly!
Undead Emily Brontë
this literary sister is jonesing for brains. Wuthering Heights? More like Wuthering Bites!
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Lady Who More or Less Remembers French from High School
Are you backpacking across Europe? Did you leave your phrasebook in that nice Alsatian boy’s apartment? Fear not! Lady More-or-Less will help you ask where the bathroom is, and what the bathroom calls itself
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The Man of Latex
like Superman, except he targets villains allergic to synthetic rubber
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Rex “Luthor” Reed
a diabolical film critic with superhuman myopia
Man Who “Doesn’t See Race, Really”
this superhero has preternaturally sharp vision, except where race is concerned, he swears. “I don’t even know what color Kanye is,” he says. “Maybe purple? He sounds purple.”
Woman Who’s Totally Cool With Her Ex Getting Married
“Oh I think that’s just great for Craig. They look happy together, and he always needed someone more matronly. Plus basically she’s just the cutest, right? I mean, if you’re into unibrows, which apparently he is now.”
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Crayon Man
Crayon Man (a.k.a. Cray-Cray, a.k.a. Mauves Like Jagger) achieved enlightenment after he swallowed a burnt sienna with the wrapper still on. Now, he is very good at coloring books but not very good at digestion.
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Woman Who Is Great at Giving Handjobs
they’re almost as good as the ones Triathlete-Man gives himself!!
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Illustrator: Aimee Fleck is a freelance illustrator and writer with a particular interest in fashion, feminism, and science fiction. Her most recent publication is DAMN GIRL THAT STYLE IS FAT, a basic style guide for plus-size women.
