There’s no one hooting from the rooftops about how having thin hair is awesome. Fact established. Thin, or thinning, hair on women can be an especially sensitive subject, and rightfully so, given that often one of the roots of femininity is linked to a woman’s hair.

There are women who eschew these hair norms in one way or another; however, if you have thin hair, you may feel you have a more limited approach to talking about or working with your hair in any way, whether it be to embrace or disregard the expectations of the moment. Two scenarios in particular have occasionally struck anxiety into the heart of my group interactions:

1. Being in a group of my women friends when the conversation turns to hair.

This usually plays out in some form of compliment round robin: It begins with something like, “Your hair is so pretty” and then often spirals into the rest of the group replying with variations of “Oh, but I wish I had your curls!” or “Your cut is amazing!”

The other path these discussions take is a sort of humble-brag about hair issues: “My hair is just so thick, it takes ages to blow-dry” or “My hair is so curly, a single percentage of humidity prevents any chance of straightening.”

My role in these conversations has been fairly minimal. For one, I can, and will, offer up hair compliments, but rarely do they come back in the same way. This is fine and not the point of compliments, I know, but it leaves friends with responses like, “Thanks, your hair… is… so clean!” Or “Your layers are really helping volumize things.” Not exactly ego-thumping endorsements, though well-intentioned and true.

For two, jumping into the commiseration pool ends the light-heartedness pretty quickly, in my experience. To reply to “This fucking mom-cut is not growing back out fast enough” with “Yeah, I know what you mean…it’s hard to style my hair since my wide-part often shows my scalp” makes it so the commiseration just turns to kind-hearted pity. I did not even necessarily want to complain, but more than anything, to participate and not wait out the hair conversation.

2. Being with friends who have male-pattern baldness and/or receding hairlines when the other men in the group start to jokingly give them a hard time:

Immediately, my anxiety meter zooms ahead of me, and I start to blush as my mind races with the following questions:

• Am I about to get razzed about my thin hair?
• By men?!?
• Would I be okay with that?
• Shouldn’t I be okay with that?
• What is my comeback, if so?

To date, the latter has yet to happen; however, I always feel implicated by the omission of my presence in both of these experiences. Of course, most of this omission has been my own discomfort and insecurity about thin hair, preventing me from including myself in a non-awkward way. But some of it is that there’s no real known social or popular culture space for how to deal with thin-haired, or balding, women.

One of my aims is to get women to the point where we have our own, potentially more flattering, George Costanza-esque acceptance. I see him as the pinnacle of male baldness. While it defines him in a cursory way, he often does what he damn well pleases and does not let his baldness hold him back. Establishing this place for women would mean that women would have more choices for how to have, or not have, thin hair.  There are few options now, beyond expensive treatments or wigs.

I’m no hair judge; if, as a balding woman, you want to deal with wigs or Rogaine every day, so be it! For others, those may be great options, but from my perspective, it feels like a lot of effort to hide what may end up getting seen anyway (during sex, on a windy or rainy day, while swimming, etc).

While some men still wear toupees and do the comb-over, the more appealing and freeing alternative is to let women age and change as openly as men are able to with the same array of options. I’m not brazen enough to just up and shave my head, though it has crossed my mind, but I hope if that’s a choice I somehow make in the distant future, if the thin becomes more noticeably thinning, it won’t be assumed that I did it because I’m super-alternative or become deeply ill.

Obviously, it’s unfair that as women we have an attribute most commonly associated as a stereotype toward unattractive dudes. This is not true, of course, but popular culture wants what popular culture wants. As mentioned above, there are no jokes, tropes, or anything about thin-haired women. There was a sketch on SNL many years back where the great Rachel Dratch was someone’s weirdo secretary and when she turns to leave, she’s bald in the back, but it was not the point of the sketch, rather just an additional shock factor to an already weird/ and unappealing character.

Thin hair on women should be normalized in the lighthearted “shrug and deal with what you’re dealt” kind of way that it is with men, but this must be on thin-haired women’s own terms. That’s something still to be decided, by time and the choices women make in the coming years. Perhaps science will develop amazing products or supplements that would render thin-hair a non-issue entirely. Perhaps shaved heads will become more of a trend.

As it stands now, there are a few articles—notably one from Marie Claire in 2008 and an O Magazine piece on future medicinal/stem cell possibilities—out there that give some “tips” for dealing with thin hair. These have always disappointed me as the overarching theme tends to be “Girl, get yourself to the doctor/Rogaine hotline ASAFP,” and for some women, those options are just not realistic.  On a purely budgetary side, women may not be able to afford the Rogaine regime or lab testing to determine any deficiencies that impact hair loss. Pro-tip: if you feel you have a deficiency of any kind, you should try to get to a clinic! I am not a doctor!

For other women, like me, for whom thin hair is likely to be genetic, it’s overwhelming to consider actually slathering weird chemicals on your scalp twice a day. After showering! My hair is already oily, dear Lord, a product like that is probably going to make my hair into sad grease clumps. I know many people do this, and have done this, and possibly with great results. It’s just not a part of what I want my routine to be, or what it is expected to be for me to be socially presentable. I don’t want to be held hostage by my hair care routine when it may not even help all that much in the long run.

With that in mind, I have come up with a small list of what’s important to my thin-hair experience on the daily below, though, of course, my hair is straight and thin (fairly typical for a certain type of “Caucasian” hair) and so this list reflects tips mostly through that lens.  In looking around, there are some great resources for women of color with a variety of hair types, including Curly Nikki and Black Girl, Long Hair.

There’s a fairly big consensus on avoiding prolonged tight styles (not entirely, but to change them up frequently to avoid pulling on fragile hairlines) and to find the right products for your hair type (which, of course, is easier said than done). In addition to having a wider array of important voices in this discussion, I encourage any readers with first-hand experience to promote even more conversation and advice in the comments.

First, a quick tip for people who don’t have thin hair:

* Really, my only advice to you is to NOT make a fuss or big deal over a woman with thin hair. None of this “Oh! Wow, your hair’s so… THIN!” If you find yourself surprised by a friend or colleague’s thin hair, be surprised to yourself. If they talk about it, then the topic is open. If not, it is not your social obligation to bring it up. It has made me feel a little inadequate to be called out on having thin hair, even by people with good intentions, in the past, like Oh, sheesh, I’m failing at my womanly duties to other women by having this derned natural thin hair. Guess I’ll go drink my wine over here and hope the blushing subsides.

Tips for Women with Thin Hair:

* Keep your hair trimmed. Getting even cheap Super Cuts trims every three months or so, or more often if you can, helps improve hair health. Layers can be very friendly in that they can add a bit of volume. I keep my hair just past shoulder length, though I know many people recommend even shorter, to increase fullness. I find if I go shorter, I’m left with a terrible ponytail and can’t put it up in a bun to work out, etc.

* My hair gets oily anyway and having thin hair exacerbates this, so if I’m not going to shower on a particular day, powder, such as baby powder or loose make-up, helps deal with the excess oil. I dust it on in several places and then thoroughly brush through my hair with my head upside down. My part is wider than most and shows some scalp, so streaks of baby powder will be apparent if you don’t brush thoroughly. This helps absorb oil and bolster the hair strands.

* Depending on how you feel about chemicals in your hair, highlights and hair dye agitates the root of the hair, making it appear fuller-bodied. Agitating probably isn’t awesome for your hair in the long term, just based on the word “agitate,” but this could be something to try, especially if you want a color change anyway.

* Dry shampoo works the same way powder does with excess oil. The types of dry shampoo vary greatly, so go prepared to weigh your needs and options for an unhealthy amount of time in the local hair care aisle.

* Certainly try products (Rogaine, Toppik, etc) if you’re interested in that route.

* Clear shampoos are best to avoid build-up and I advocate for sulfate- and paraben-free products as the fewer harsh things on delicate hair, the better (other than root-agitating color, of course!). There are some moderately priced options and I’ve certainly noticed more mainstream brands have started to offer all- or mostly-natural products.

* Not to hide your shame, but wearing a cool-to-you and well-fitting hat s a useful, and sometimes necessary, possibility. I can’t tell you how many times I let pride override my inclination to protect my scalp on super sunny outings and ended up with a BURNT scalp part, because I don’t have as much hair protecting my scalp from the sun as most people. Which then PEELED. And created what looked like really gross uber-dandruff. Get a good and comfortable hat and keep it on hand for sunny days, rainy days, or just whenever the hell you don’t want to deal with your hair.

* Wearing your hair up can be tricky, but one look that can work is to put your hair up in a semi-high ponytail or bun and then use a wide hair band to cover any thinness up front, which also helps to push up the back of the up-do to give some volume. A DIY, and subtler, bump-it.

* Don’t be embarrassed. I hope most of you are awesomely confident and grooving along with your hair’s state of being. But if not, a great place to practice being confident is another of my previous fear-zones: the hair salon. I finally found that, instead of being horrified and avoiding haircuts, if I went in and addressed my thin hair before the stylist did, it was such a relief to me. It was my hair and I was in control of the conversation about it. The terror went away and I enjoyed my head being massaged during the shampoo. Many stylists and I have even had great conversations about thin/ thinning hair over the years and their experience working with women who have this, offering non-pushy advice and tips.

* If you have not already, and you are still feeling insecure about your hair, talk it through with someone who you know is not going to be judgmental. I have had several late night freak-outs on the phone with my mom—she has fine, but not thin, hair, as did her mother—as well as with my always-encouraging husband. Great, supportive people make a small nuisance, such as thin hair, look like just that: small.

[Image via WebMD]