“But they’re so nice to me. Are you sure things happened this way?”
“He’s never done anything like this before…”
“We spoke to her, and she knows that the way she lashed out is wrong.”
“We should all come together to process this. In love.”
“What did you say to provoke them?”
“This is a learning experience for everyone involved.”
“I didn’t know what to do, so I did nothing.”
Any of those sentences sounds familiar? Congratulations, you’ve encountered an abuser or their enabler. For extra bonus points, if all of the lines sound familiar you’ve probably encountered them in a progressive space. There’s a myth that being progressive in some of your politics is proof against racism, sexism, or classism. The problems with that myth are becoming increasingly well documented. What isn’t being discussed is how often other harmful human behaviors are present in progressive spaces. All too often, so-called “safe spaces” can also harbor abusers.
It’s nice to think that the bad people who are there to hurt others are wearing a sign that warns potential victims away. However, that idea ignores pretty much every thing we know about abusive people. A charming friendly person who never has a cross word for someone in power–someone who says all the right things in front of the right people–could be a great ally. To some people. And, all too often, that’s enough to excuse the fact that they use more vulnerable people as emotional or actual punching bags. When allegations are made, or, in some cases, even in the face of direct evidence that there is a problem, there is a tendency to make excuses. To ignore everything written about bullying, violence, and abuse in favor of blaming the victims.
“Why didn’t you just walk away?”
“Well I know what you said he did, but he’s always been so good to other people.”
“I didn’t hear how it started but there must have been some kind of provocation”
“It was an isolated incident, you don’t want to ruin someone’s career over a bad day do you?”
Is that familiar too? I’m sorry. Unfortunately it’s much easier to ignore or invalidate victims than to confront a painful reality. Things get especially difficult when you consider that bullies tend to target people with less social capital. Victims are generally not as adept at manipulation, so the offender can spin the story to paint themselves in a better light. Popular narratives around reconciliation and solidarity in progressive spaces can lead to a focus on rehabilitating abusers at the expense of their victims. We know that people targeted by bullies/abusers are vulnerable in some way. They may have been hurt in the past, be socially awkward, or not be prepared to respond to sudden aggression. And even if they do respond, their lack of social capital relative to the abusers can influence how it is perceived.
They are in a no-win situation: don’t fight back, and the abuse continues, fight back and risk being labeled as the problem.
Yes, victims have agency and a right to choose what happens next, but during the moment or moments when they are being harmed, bystanders are also responsible for what is happening in front of them. And the solution is never going to be ignoring the harm being done, or blaming the victim for being a target.
Does that mean that there is no good solution? No. Should abusers get help? Absolutely. Can they heal? Again, absolutely. I certainly think that the cycle can be broken. But their healing can’t be a priority that trumps the safety of others in any community. In progressive organizations, the health of the whole community hinges on the safety of every member, not just the most popular ones. We have to step up to for the victims, which means listening to them, making their comfort a priority, and not pressuring them to engage with the abuser so that others can come to terms with what has happened. A safe space is more than a room in which to speak without having to hear ableist or racist language. A safe space is a room where ideas can be discussed, challenged, and the participants won’t be physically or emotionally abused. Where people in the room step up to stop abuse, to care for victims of it, and to hold abusers accountable. Whether it is an Occupy protest, a religious community, or an academic arena, the safe space concept should be one that guarantees the safety of all involved, not just those with the privilege and power to oppress. So what does that mean for this phenomenon in progressive spaces?
We have to confront what’s happening when it happens. We have to be willing to do the hard uncomfortable work of breaking the cycle. We have to derail abusive dynamics when we see them developing, even if the person involved is someone who has never been that way with us. Safe spaces are only as safe as the people in them. This isn’t about any individual, or about any one incident. Yes, you can find a recent example. Or three, depending on where you’re looking, and who is willing to speak out. But even if no one speaks, these problems persist in every community. We all carry our biases with us, whether we identify as feminist, liberal, progressive or all of the above. And sometimes those biases are reflected in how we interpret who deserves safety. If a space is safe for one person, and unsafe for others, then the problem isn’t how the victims differ, the problem is that someone is making the space unsafe. And sometimes no matter how nice someone is, how well connected, you have the courage to be truly progressive. To put your politics aside, and focus on basic humanity long enough to protect someone, to comfort and care for someone who has been hurt by that dazzling figure that charmed their way into the safe space and rendered them toxic.
Mikki Kendall last wrote A Love Letter to the Hood.
Tags: mikki kendall, misogyny, politics, racism, unsafe spaces
Thank you for this.
“It was an isolated incident, you don’t want to ruin someone’s career over a bad day do you?”
Oh, yeeeah, this hot nonsense. Reporting facts about a person’s behavior is not “ruining” them; if the behavior is likely to be damaging to their [career/reputation/relationships], then the responsibility is on them NOT TO DO IT.
Right? See also: “don’t make it awkward.” They made it awkward – not my responsibility to let it slide.
And of course, when “an isolated incident” is hushed up and papered over like this, there’s no way to know if it actually is an isolated incident, or if it is one in a series of hushed-up attacks. Transparency and honesty allow us to distinguish between actual isolated events* and repeated patterns of behavior.
*I’m not suggesting that isolated incidents aren’t serious infractions, just that it’s also valuable to identify attackers’ patterns.
There was a real fiasco on Twitter yesterday with this loser who kept insisting that saying “go get raped” to female Twitter-ers was not actually a rape threat, so they should go get raped.
It was ridiculous! And what was with that British lady who complained about how Mikki might hurt his job and then started threatening to sue her for libel? Mikki, you put up with so much bullshit and I’m sorry.
TELL IT, MIKKI. A dude once, online, threatened to “make you suffer” for calling him a misogynist, then lunged at me when we were in the same room. IT TOOK TWO WEEKS TO BAN HIM FROM MEETINGS. TWO GODDAMN WEEKS. Privileged folks can get so caught up in being “inclusive” that they refuse to acknowledge that being inclusive of abusers is creating an inherently exclusive space. There is no inclusivity without safety FULL STOP.
the hell??? I’m so sorry you went through that!
There are so many spaces in which this needs to be printed in large text and stuck permanently to the wall.
This has been the year I learned so much about filling in formal and informal complaints sheets. Excellent post! All the above sound unpleasantly, exhaustingly familiar.
A longtime and beloved college basketball coach in my hometown has been accused of abusing a former player. Hol-ee SHIT the defense groups that have popped up on Facebook, talking about how “we’ll get through this together!” And, lots of talk about how he couldn’t do this, because he’s Catholic and the school is a Jesuit college.
Yep, leaving that one right where it is.
The nonsense bullshit that still comes out of Penn State about Joe Paterno, to say nothing of how Sandusky is sitting in prison, still proclaiming his innocence, is enough to make me pop a blood vessel. Yes, people, Joe did a lot of good things for the university, but he f*cked up royally (and, potentially, criminally), so stop talking about how great and maligned he was.
Anyone who’s dealing with this sort of situation, if it revolves around an abusive romantic relationship, and especially in activist communities, should read this book (though obviously, ALL the trigger warnings): http://www.southendpress.org/2010/items/87941
Well it’s a great book, everyone should read it. But abusive relationships in queer communities are especially hard to deal with because often the abuser was victimized themselves at some point in the past and needs to heal too; it’s a bit different from a random work/internet asshole (who has privilege) being shitty (to someone who doesn’t have privilege).
Also, if you want a workshop for a group on this issue, editor Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha runs workshops about it. Highly recommended.
This is disturbingly relevant.
Recently a geek society I am connected to banned a member for being – lets not mince words here – a vile predator. His creepy behaviour had been going on – and escalating – since at least 2005 and probably longer. He got away with it for so long based on a few things.
– geek societies are very used to being ostracised and hate to perpetrate ostracisation
– there was a general ‘feeling’ that warning new young women was all we could ‘reasonably’ do
– and there was some enabling bullshit going on
We lost female members by the bucket load because they didn’t feel safe, yet the whole thing was based on not wanting him to be sad or uncomfortable.
I’m always kind of surprised when people literally can’t believe that a person in a “progressive space” turns out to be vile or abusive or aggressively ignorant in some way. Some of the best people I know are left-wing political activists, but so are some of the worst: the idea that you are RIGHT and everyone else is WRONG and that you, personally, are capable of changing the world, these things are often prerequisites for political engagement but are also traits that tend to be found in abusive people. When I first started hearing stories about rampant sexism in atheist/skeptic community (which I’m not a part of), for example, my first reaction was “ugh, yeah, that makes sense,” not “NO WAY impossible!” Though I guess I never understand this reaction in any kind of community. sigh.
(Also I feel like most of my friends who dated anarchists in college are also pretty on their guard for this kind of behavior.)
“most of my friends who dated anarchists in college”
most
of
my
friends
who
dated
anarchists
in
college
don’t knock it til you try it, Mallory
Oh totes. I know a super progressive anarcho-feminist dude who’s super sensitive to victims’ rights and inclusivity and OH YEAH he’s also a scummy rapist. I feel like the more progressive the dude, the more I have to be on my guard. I mean, heck, the older guy who abused me and raped me when I was 14-16 is now a well known local poet and the leader of a feminist poetry collective. Gross, y’all. Super gross.
This is such, such a huge problem within activist communities (and insular communities in general, including friend groups). I know several women who have no safe spaces in their city because their abuser actively volunteers at all of them. Often the explicit and specific de-emphasis of hierarchy within groups lends itself to a void of responsibility, even when everyone knows what’s happening, especially when the abuse is emotional / psychological rather than physical. In the particular case of my friend, things were compounded by the fact that her abuser was trans and would threaten self-harm when challenged in any serious way. There were some within the community who even defended her on the principle of protecting her identities (hegemonic culture rejects her and we must protect her, etc).
People would rather live with the poison than tear out the barb, and ultimately they too become weapons of dominance to be leveled against victims of abuse. I can’t think of a reason that woman would volunteer at every single advocacy center in her very large city except to create a zone of denial for the people she sought to control and abuse.
Apropos of nothing, this is generally why I scoff at left-anarchists and syndicalists, politically. Intentional communities, be they communes or compounds, are fertile soil for the accumulation of social / psychological / spiritual / sexual power in individuals (usually patriarchs, but not always), and for all their justified railing against the dangers of institutional power they’re rarely better than Randians at addressing the abuse of private power.
This is such, such a huge problem within activist communities (and insular communities in general, including friend groups). I know several women who have no safe spaces in their city because their abuser actively volunteers at all of them. Often the explicit and specific de-emphasis of hierarchy within groups lends itself to a void of responsibility, even when everyone knows what's happening, especially when the abuse is emotional / psychological rather than physical. In the particular case of my friend, things were compounded by the fact that her abuser was trans and would threaten self-harm when challenged in any serious way. There were some within the community who even defended her on the principle of protecting her identities (hegemonic culture rejects her and we must protect her, etc).
People would rather live with the poison than tear out the barb, and ultimately they too become weapons of dominance to be leveled against victims of abuse. I can't think of a reason that woman would volunteer at every single advocacy center in her very large city except to create a zone of denial for the people she sought to control and abuse.
Apropos of nothing, this is generally why I scoff at left-anarchists and syndicalists, politically. Intentional communities, be they communes or compounds, are fertile soil for the accumulation of social / psychological / spiritual / sexual power in individuals (usually patriarchs, but not always), and for all their justified railing against the dangers of institutional power they're rarely better than Randians at addressing the abuse of private power.
don't knock it til you try it, Mallory
I know several women who have no safe spaces in their city because their abuser actively volunteers at all of them.
Me too, I know similar situations. And it’s just like it is everywhere else, the abuser is publically known as a great person and does good things and moves up the ladder of influence, leaving victims in their wake. And while I don’t scoff at radical queers and anarchists, I have little faith in their ability to implement in-community justice.
Thank you so much for this post.
Thank you Mikki. Seriously, thank you. x
Yeah, I see stuff like this going on in online communities. Although it’s this weird warped thing in which people are stalking others in the name of “calling them out” and social justice. While I understand that call-outs are important, using call-out culture as a tool for stalking and intimidation for someone who doesn’t even align with the label social justice is troubling.