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Home: The Toast

Most recently in this series: Ladies’ Brunch. This installment has been brought to you by a generous donation from Toast reader Saskia Deerson. Thanks, Sas! You are not a monster like these people.

To: Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole S; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie
From: Katie
Date: October 4, 2013
Subject: Halloween is comingggggg…..

Hey Ladies,

Can you believe it’s fall? I’m literally dying. Also NY weather is so weird – can we wear coats yet? This is the stuff that plagues me, but I have a really cute army green jacket I’m dying to wear! Zara!

So brunch was so so so so so super fun. Did I tell you guys that waiter ended up texting me? I obv did not answer but I think I screenshot the text over when it happened (did I???? let me know, I can send it again!)

The thing is….like……….. I feel like I could definitely easily date him (lol jk but I prob could)  but 2013 is my year of positive growth and change and that means no relationships. Like, if I wanted a random text I’d reactivate my okCupid.

ANYWAY. Halloween. It’s coming up and I really think it’s important to be ready for it this year. I know we barely got our shit together last year and I would really like to avoid the same thing this time around. Honestly we’re nearing 30 and this will eventually no longer be cute so we need to YOLO while it lasts.

So what I am saying is this is really important to me. Please send me back your ideas (honestly I am slammed at work and have no time to think of anything! Love my job. Miss my life), but I know you girls can give this brainstorm the time and dedication it needs.

you girls are amaze.

let me know what you think, I’ll veto accordingly and we’ll go from there.

loves ya,

katie

To: Ali; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole S; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie
From: Katie
Date: October 4, 2013
Subject: Halloween is comingggggg…..

Girls! Circling back on this! Any ideas? I’d love it if you all could take this seriously thanks!!!

To: Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole S; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie
From: Ali
Date: October 4, 2013
Subject: Halloween is comingggggg…..

Hey Ladies!!!

This is so funny, I literally had a Halloween email draft going, but I was TOO crazed at work to actually send it!!

You’re so lucky your job doesn’t entail being a major content producer like mine does. Producing content is SO vital yet SO exhausting.  As we say in the biz, so many platforms, so little time!! So THANK YOU Katie for getting the ball rolling!

I’ve literally been compiling ideas on google docs/my secret fantasy-life Pinterest all year long and these are the best!!

#CrushingHalloween2013 Costumes!

ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK!!!!!  So fun and current!

Me – Piper, pre-prison days when she committed the crime! (cause it was my idea and I have a Piper Get Buff Thinspirational Board going already ;))

Nicole – Alex – cause of that time you tried to kiss me drunk on Four Lokos

Ash – Pennsatucky – You know why, LOL!

Morgan – Crazy Eyes….(Honestly, your eyes are saucer-like and like a Disney princess, but they are soo huge too!!)

Gracie – Sophia – Sorry, but you’re over 5’8” LOL!

Katie: Pornstache — Mustaches are soo fun to wear for instagram pics!

BLING RING!

GIRLS — Not in love with it but I guess I’ll be Marnie (everyone says I look like Allison Williams), Nicole can be Jessa since she’s our bohemian ;), Morgan can be Shoshannah since she looks the most Jewish, and Katie can be Hannah Horvath since she likes broke dudes!

Classics: Catholic school girls, flight attendants, cats, Spice Girls (I call NOT being Sporty Spice!), and Charlie’s Angels (HAHAH we can totally do the Charlie’s Angels pose in pics LOLOL)

#CrushingHalloween2013 Parties!

Where are we partying?? I’m a little stressed out about this!!!!

Everyone submit their parties to me and I’ll pick the best ones of the night!!

Thematically, we want to aim for something in the key of Tribeca loft party of ibankers! Basically I want to meet dudes dressed up with their friends as characters from TOP GUN.

Write me back ASAP!!!!!

XXXXX Ali

“You’re gonna miss me by my walk
You’re gonna miss me by my talk, oh
You’re gonna miss me when I’m gone”

– Anna Kendrick, Cups

To: Ali; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole S; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie
From:Katie
Date: October 4, 2013
Subject: Halloween is comingggggg…..

Ali!

You’re SUCH a Leo! I totally want to give you a well-deserved break from planning and take this one off your hands.

Your suggestions are great but a little tired (no offense, like literally none). Piper and the prison girls is cute but since I have her body type I think I should be able to be Piper. LOL AGAIN NO OFFENSE.

Girls – idk. While it’s true that Morgan looks very Jewish I think it’s best we steer away from dressing up as anything too niche. Not everyone’s dad has HBOgo for them to steal!! Haha.  Do we maybe wanna do housewives?????? Nicole has the forehead for Teresa!!!!!!

We need something original and really cute. Like…sexy weather??? This is really stressing me out.

Honestly Ali come up with some ideas for where to party and I’ll be the one to veto. I’ll be really disappointed if we phone it in and go as cats again.

PS. Who has the new iPhone??

To: Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Ali; Ashley; Nicole S; Caitlin; Jen
From: Gracie
Date: October 6, 2013
Subject: Halloween is comingggggg…..

Hey!

Thanks for including me in these emails :)  Since  I just moved here I thought I’d probably end up just staying in or something, so I appreciate it :)

I’m down for something low-key. I can wear my costume from last year, and maybe we all can just dress up as whatever we feel like and hit some parties or a bar.

Can’t wait,

Gracie

To: Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Ali; Ashley; Nicole S; Morgan L.;Jen; Gracie
From: Caitlin
Date: October 6, 2013
Subject: Halloween is comingggggg…..

Hiii Ladiessss!

Sounds amazing!!!!!!! Gracie, coordinated costumes are so much fun, you’re gonna love it!!!

I for one agree with Katie that we should go as something “original” and “cute.” What if we went as sexy Breaking Bad characters?? Or what about Catholic schoolgirl cheerleader cats??

Right??

LOVE YA BBs.

Caitlin

To: Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie
From: Nicole
Date: October 7, 2013
Subject: Halloween is comingggggg…..

Hiii girls!!!

SORRY it took me SO LONG to write back — my neighbor’s WiFi has been touch and go :)

I’m SO EXCITED FOR HALLOWEEN!!!!!! We are going to crush it so hard this year!!!!!!

Hmm…I also like the idea about original and really cute costumes! So what about….

(are you ready??)

(anticipation building…)

(Cue Jock Jams’ “Are You Ready For This”!!!!!!!!!)

What if we went as BRIDESMAIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like for instance, we all wore our bridesmaid dresses we got for Jen’s wedding!!!!!!! FUN!!!!!!!!

Here’s the thing — Bridesmaids are super on trend this fall because of the movie BRIDESMAIDS. Plus bridesmaids also happen to be dudes’ #1 sex fetish as well, according to Glamour’s Ask Jake. Must be cause guys get really turned on by the idea of weddings and marriage, I think??

LETS DO THIS!!!!

<3 Nicole

ps– If any of you are upgrading to the new iPhone and want to get rid of your old one I can trade you for a “coupon book” good for 10 backrubs!! LMK!!!!!!!!

To: Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie
From: Ali
Date: October 7, 2013
Subject: Halloween is comingggggg…..

Hi Ladies!!

Ok first off, LOL Nicole — I haven’t seen my bridesmaid dress since I left it at Jen’s hot young uncle’s suite at the W. I mean I guess I could text him???

Real Housewives, ugh. I think my mom did that one five years ago. Next!

Seriously, ladies. This is REALLY important. Between all our friends getting engaged and what’s going on in the world in the wake of the government shutdown and all the news that’s happening internationally, we all need this. So let’s be like Kate and Leo and MAKE IT COUNT.

If I don’t hear back from you guys by COB I’m Etsy-ing Piper & the Inmates costumes. We really need to get a move on this.

XOXOXOXO Ali

Sent from my gold iPhone 5S, bitches

To: Ali; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie
From: Katie
Date: October 7, 2013
Subject: Halloween is comingggggg…..

Nicole,

I’m trying to take the lead on this and experiencing some push back with Ali here. Why the fuck is she so bitchy

To: Ali; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Katie
Date: October 7, 2013
Subject: Halloween is comingggggg…..

Did not mean to reply all

To: Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie
From: Ali
Date: October 7, 2013
Subject: Halloween is comingggggg…..

????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Cause when you diss Dre you diss yourself” – Dr.  Dre

“Yeah, you, you wreck me” – Miley Cyrus

To: Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Ali
Date: October 8, 2013
Subject: Halloween is comingggggg…..

Hi Ladies!!!

Wow, Katie. Did someone forget to take her Midol??! LOLOLOL. It’s so funny cause I usually PMS around the 15th — I thought you girls were all synced up to me since I’m on the pill??? Whatever, that’s neither here nor there. Hope you’re feeling better babe.

So I was a bit stressed with all these upsetting emails at first, but I just got back from a great session with my soul cycling instructor/therapist and bottom line is I need to listen to what my lower back tattoo says in Sanskrit and JUST BREATHE. Anyway, Tiff suggested that I delegate and I think that’s a great idea!!! I think you guys will like what I came up with, it caters to everyone’s strengths! :)

Piper & the Inmates  #CrushingHalloween2013 Task List

Ash – Research and book appointments for day of mani/pedi/spray tan/teeth whitening/Brazilians

Morgan – Find out how many makeup artists and blow-out artists we will need for the pre-party. Can your work husband do some Excel modeling to figure out the CPM and ROI?

Nicole – Can we get a vodka sponsorship for the night?? Ask your boss!! Between us all I bet we can deliver anywhere from 100-120 social media impressions

Charlotte – Traffic will be a bitch, so look into an pedicab sponsorship

Katie – Sock bun research. I’m leaning towards sock buns for all of us, and would LOVE if you can find the best type of sock!! Maybe hit up Costco and Target as well as small eco-friendly locally sourced sock stores as well? Then you can report back your findings!!

Also, no bigs, but has anyone been invited to any parties yet??

Love ya!

Ali (aka Piper!)

ps – Hope you’re feeling better Katie. I was just watching Felicity on DVD and there’s this part where she cuts her hair short like a boy and it would look AMAZING on you, you should totally get that haircut!!!  I WISH I could pull it off!!  LMK!!!

Sent from my gold iPhone 5S bitches

To: Ali; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie
From: Katie
Date: October 8, 2013
Subject: Halloween is comingggggg…..

Hey ladies,

Thanks for being so understanding of my e-outburst lol. It’s just that things at work have been so cray. If you told me a year ago that I’d be looking at two job offers for 6 figures each (plus benefits and stock options) I’d be like what? Are you high? But here we are. Plus that and the fact that my new apartment still needs to be furnished and Crate & Barrel still hasn’t figured out how to send me their catalog to my new address (it’s like hello I want to give you my money). Idk. I’ve just been in such a place.

Also on the topic of cycles I’m late soooo??? (??????)

Luckily you have the flex in your life to understand my struggles. I am SUCH A LUCKY GIRL.

I’m fine with the Orange Is the New Black idea I guess. Ali you seem so into it and far be it from me to rob you from something that seems to just, like, fulfill you!!

I can definitely handle sock bun research but my recommendation is that we all do a test run at a trustworthy salon (Morgan no offense but whoever you got to do hair for Jen’s wedding was incompetent as shit I looked like a drowned rat but Morgan obv your messy bun looked amazing I just think we could look outside the box a little more I mean this is MANHATTAN??)

Huge Hugs bitches,

Katie

To: Ali; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Katie; Nicole; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie
From: Ashley
Date: October 9, 2013
Subject: Halloween is comingggggg…..

Awwwww, my period’s late too!!!!!!!! Twinsies!!!!!! lol

xxAsh

To: Ali; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Katie; Ashley; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: October 9, 2013
Subject: Halloween is comingggggg…..

OH GOD MINE TOO!!!!! What if we all went as Juno instead????

We are SO Sex and the City!!!!

-Nicole

ps – Thanks for giving me your old iphone Katie!! Woot!!! Can’t wait to try Shazam!!!!!!!!!

To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Katie; Ashley; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie
From: Ali
Date: October 9, 2013
Subject: Halloween is comingggggg…..

Hi Ladies!

OMG, ok any chance you can all take your period talk offline I don’t want it spamming everyone’s inboxes. But seriously,  I’m here if any of you girls need me though. I’m really great in a crisis.

K, I’ve ordered your inmate costumes from a seamstress in India off eBay. I had to guesstimate your measurements, so don’t hate! You all owe me $120 each, just paypal me please by COB.

How’s everyone’s research coming along????????

I figured out how to do read receipts in gmail so I KNOW you all are seeing this, answer me girls! LOLOLOL!!!!!

xoxoxoxoxo

Ali

Sent from my gold iPhone 5S bitches

To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Katie; Ashley; Morgan L.; Jen; Ali
From: Gracie
Date: October 9, 2013
Subject: Halloween is comingggggg…..

Oh, gosh. $120. I think I need to take a step back.  The more low-key it is the more fun it always ends up being. It’s like how you always meet someone on the nights when you randomly end up going out and half hate your outfit. and forgot to shave that morning, you know?

I’m having dinner with my parents before, so I’ll just do my own hair and makeup and I’ll meet you guys out. This is gonna be great.

xx Gracie

To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ali; Ashley; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie
From: Katie
Date: October 9, 2013
Subject: Halloween is comingggggg…..

Okay Hey Ladies,

Official countdown to Halloween is on, let’s not forget the mishap of 2010 it’s like I can’t even look a lycra the same anymore. I put us all in a 6am Soul Cycle on the 30th and then just like, don’t eat for 24 hours and we should be good (we’ll totes drunk brunch on Nov 1st yayzies).

Ali thanks for ordering the costumes, $120 seems a little steep for something we will only wear once (unless any of you are into freaky shit ha! Nicole that’s a subtweet 2 u!!!) but I mean, you already ordered it, so…will PayPal you soon. Also for the record it’s not that I don’t have the money (I do) but I am reading a Suze Orman book and just generally trying to be better with my choices but totally understand we’re not all in that same place so I am very go with the flow about this!! You know me, laid back!!

Also, no offense, but everyone in this group has different hair types so please figure out your sock bun remedy on your own time, I don’t have the broadband to deal with this right now!! AGAIN SO BUSY WITH WORK BUT love you all for supporting me LOLOL don’t worry you’ll be in my shoes eventch!!!

OKAY so yayyyy halloween!!! love this!!!!!!! so glad we can still have fun as adults i think that’s so important.

love you ladies :)

email back ASAP w. plans for your hair just want to make sure nothing falls through the cracks…google docs???? what is dropbox again???

XOOXOXOXOXOOX,

Katie

To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Katie; Ashley; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie
From: Ali
Date: October 30, 2013
Subject: Halloween is comingggggg…..

LADIES I FOUND WHERE WE ARE GOING!!!!!

I just read in Time Out that there is going to be a Halloween Parade in the West Village and I’m sure we’ll meet tons of dudes there!!  I really wanna go!!

ps – You don’t have the broadband or bandwidth?? LOL!

Sent from my gold iPhone 5S bitches

To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Katie; Ashley; Ali.; Jen; Gracie
From: Morgan L
Date: October 30, 2013
Subject: Halloween is comingggggg…..

YAYAY can’t wait!!!!!! Are we wearing push-up bras?? Will it even show through our inmate costumes?? What do we do if we overheat?? Should we bring water??

Our twitter/insta hashtag will be: #PrisonBetchesIsTheNewHalloweenLOL

To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Katie; Ashley; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Ali
Date: November 1, 2013
Subject: Halloween is comingggggg…..

Hey Ladies!!!

OMG had sooooo much fun at the pre-party with you!!!! How was the West Village parade???

Sorry I ran out when Mike texted me – he just really wanted to see my Piper costume and could only put my name on the list for Avenue!!!

Did your costumes make sense without me there or did everyone think you were like just grown women dressed up as janitors or something LOL??

Can I come to brunch?????

xo, Ali

ps- I’ll send you an invoice for all the food I bought for the pre-party once I count up the receipts!

Sent from my gold iPhone 5S bitches

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Caroline Moss is the deputy editor of culture at Tech Insider. She's also written for the New York Times and Cosmopolitan. She's tweeted over 100,000 times. Michelle Markowitz is a comedy writer, storyteller, and bachelorette party apologist in New York. She can be found subtweeting Cory Booker @michmarkowitz.

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