Home » Advice • Ancient Grains » Babysitting Instructions Babysitting Instructions Cleolinda Jones on October 31, 2013 in Advice, Ancient Grains 802461 Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F2013%2F10%2F31%2Fbabysitting-instructions%2FBabysitting+Instructions2013-10-31+13%3A00%3A15Cleolinda+Joneshttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F%3Fp%3D8024 Tags: advice, babysitting, babysitting instructions, cleolinda jones Related Posts“The Spinster’s Almanac”: Poetic Advice for Finding a Different StoryHow To Impress The Good-Looking Butches At Your Local Pet Supply StoreRaising the Tone: Etiquette for Bedbugs and TattoosAunt Acid: Advice for Dealing with Bigots in the FamilyAdvice To My Younger SelfDear Businesslady: Job Advice For Career-Building and Feedback About Author by Cleolinda Jones Cleo recaps when she is least expected. Like a drifter, she was born to walk alone, on Livejournal, out of pure cussedness. 8024Latest Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F2013%2F10%2F31%2Fbabysitting-instructions%2FBabysitting+Instructions2013-10-31+13%3A00%3A15Cleolinda+Joneshttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F%3Fp%3D8024 roxythroatpunch A+ lyetteann This is exactly why the first thing I used to do while babysitting was find the biggest knife in the kitchen and keep it on my lap all night. ArsenioB_Ham Even while the kids were awake? Because I bet that would be a genius way to keep the children from disobeying you. lyetteann I mostly babysat for people who were on vacation, so often they put the kids to sleep before I came over. Then it was just me, effectively alone in an unfamiliar house in an isolated area. The knife made perfect sense, honestly. JocastaCarr THE DOLLS STAY IN THE DEN WITH YOU, THOUGH. *Shudders* daisymap That's the worst one. cleolinda Talking Elmo's pretty bad though. bloodcoveredgirl That's why you leave Talking Elmo with the kid. Count_01 At least it isn't a Furby. llamaj This was the bessssssssssstttt. bustedsneakers IT IS NOT TIME TO LIGHT THE RED CANDLES j/k that's 'cause they're for Christmas! SO festive, right? LIGHT THE BLACK ONES INSTEAD. DelectableDetriment I used to babysit to make extra cash and not once did the walls ever drip NOT BLOOD IT'S RUSTY WATER I feel cheated. Arin Arcady Ooh, when I worked for this social service agency, there was a woman who came in complaining that her landlord wouldn't do anything about the blood running down her walls, which was especially unfair because she was a descendant of Cleopatra. Oh dear. But it turned out she did have rust-colored water running down her walls that did look quite a bit like blood. Never got a fix on the Cleopatra thing, though. bgprincipessa I just watched Scream last night and it made me so happy. And so does this. roxythroatpunch Scream is just basically the best thing. HeyThatsMyBike WHAT IS UNDER THEIR BED?!?!?!?! Fluffernutter Someone telling me not to look under the bed is the best way to ensure I will look under the bed. Perhaps some reverse psychology on the part of ol' Wanda? EPWordsnatcher dolls or the cat, i can't decide which one I'm more afraid of. depizan I'm just guessing, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EiKFEwI5YrI#t=118 LeastBittern Extra clown statues. MyEvilTwin NICE! Scandyhoovian IT IS NOT YET TIME TO LIGHT THE RED CANDLES. But when is the time? NicoleCliffe I deliberately left the red squiggle from the word processor in hopes it might be…BLOOD. Yavosaur A full moon on Halloween. But only a virgin can do it. EPWordsnatcher I can't decide whether my favorite part is the "Ever?" about the boyfriend or the neighbors poaching the babysitters. Or the baby (Lucy is short for Lucifer, right? It has to be.) drawing pentagrams on the walls. Cleo, this is brilliant. More more more. bgprincipessa The clown statue really got to me. EPWordsnatcher I am very pointedly not thinking about it, because I watched Poltergeist at a very young age and it traumatized me. Sharone@zizzivivizz ME TOO. Well, is 11 young? I was still traumatized. What can I say? I was a sheltered child. EPWordsnatcher Yup, and yup. I'm there. I was maybe 9. Amphora The last time my family went to stay together in a cabin in a remote location, my sister brought Poltergeist I, II, and III on DVD. It was the most fun we'd had since Monty Python night at the campground (no TV, just singing). Elsajeni Me too! I know that's basically the silliest and least plausible "urban legend"-type story out there, but for some reason it's the one that creeps me out the most. cleolinda I kind of love the "clown statue" urban legend just because I'm not sure "oh, it's just a clown STATUE" is in any way "better." Elsajeni Right? Like, the premise is that the babysitter thinks, "Gosh, it's super weird that this family I'm sitting for has a hyper-realistic life-sized clown statue!" YEAH, IT IS SUPER WEIRD. LIKE SERIAL-KILLER WEIRD. LEAVE THE HOUSE. Battle_Swine Ohh, pentagrams. That makes much more sense. I was thinking of those stick-on stars that glow in the dark, arranged artfully on the wall, and I wondered what was scary about that. EPWordsnatcher I mean, it's a guess, but I think it makes some level of terrifying sense? Battle_Swine Oh, totally. The Lucy = Lucifer interpretation is also delightfully creepy. cleolinda That's what they are! We decided to go with the more subtle version, I wasn't sure if "pentagrams" was just too over-the-top at that point. cleolinda Lucy is definitely meant to make you think of Lucifer. I decided not to say what her brother's name was since it was the very first paragraph… (Thank you!) EPWordsnatcher DAMIEN. bustedsneakers They're the Fern family, what, it's a perfectly usual last name. rosalineee I loved that the mom's name was Rosemary! czargasm ROCKY ROAD!!! The marshmallows are people. (Everything is people.) cleolinda Well, they are made with gelatin… EPWordsnatcher They're made with babysitters Battle_Swine He'll come in through the pet door. He always comes back. *screams* meetapossum Churrrrrch! EPWordsnatcher JULIE, SALT THE FUCKING WINDOWS AND DOORS. trinityclare Q: do these screenshots have alt text so screenreaders can read them? NicoleCliffe I have never understood or used alt-text! Is that what it's for? I'M HAPPY TO! NicoleCliffe K, I've put the text of the letter in the alt-text for the first screenshot, but if anyone wants to email me more about screenreaders out of the good of their hearts, it's nicole at the hyphen toast dot net trinityclare http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alt_attribute Screenreading software (often used by visually impaired people) can't read text embedded in images, so to make the image text accessible you can code the image like this: [img src="image.png" alt="content of the image text"] (ETA: this is different from title-text, which is what pops up when you mouseover an image on xkcd, for example.) dakimel I am in love with how creepy this is. uldihaa The dolls (shiver) stay in the den… the same den with the blood running down the walls. And the moaning from those same walls. I get the heebie-jeebies just imagining it! NicoleCliffe There's been a small, yet exciting change! The version Cleolinda sent me cut-off the signature in my gmail, so I just made up "Wanda" and stuck it in, but it has been updated to reflect the perfect ROSEMARY of her original thinking! cleolinda IT IS THE TRUTH THEY DID NOT WANT YOU TO KNOW Sharone@zizzivivizz BEST. BEST BEST BEST. Now I want to call up all my friends tonight and be all "HAVE YOU CHECKED THE CHILDREN??" StarlightArcher Sure it's tempting fate, but what the hell kind of candy is in the green bowl? bustedsneakers Ever and always, miscellaneous brown lumps in black-and-orange wrapping. Also, ladyfingers. shahea I have so much love for this. Also, so very many shudders. honey cowl AHHHHHHHHHHH nope nope nope nope nope sandwichharlot Wonderful!