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Home: The Toast

Screen Shot 2013-11-01 at 12.21.28 AMPreviously: Grizz and Dot Com are not minor characters

Details for Friday’s Wake:

All old drafts, writing teacher dictums, and other past memories are invited to pay their respects/criticisms. Dress is Donaghy Formal.

Food and drink will be served, chosen to reflect favorites from the deceased’s lifespan:


-Diet Coke

-One too many cups of coffee

-Cafe muffins

-Two too many cups of coffee

-A whole box of Cheez-Its all at once (available by accident)


The wake will be closed-document, unless I really want to get my grief on.

Saturday’s Memorial Service Program:

Opening Invocation: Replay of Tina Fey and How Old Is She? parading around their final-season-ever writing Emmys

Tribute from Past Title Ideas: “When Liz Gives You Lemons,” “Love The Way You Liz,” “The Liz-ard King,” “Jack & Diane Except Instead Of Diane It’s Liz”

Musical Selection: “This Helps Me Work” by Fredric Chopin

Reading from “Thing Futurama Did In Season 2″ by Sketch 101 Classmate Who Traded Drafts With Me Once

Screening of Jenna’s New Project from “Jenna’s New Project” Obligatory B-Story

Remembrance by Nameless Script Contest Reader Who Quite Frankly Probably Had Their Own 30 Rock Script to Polish

Musical Selection: “This Helps Me Work” by The Amelie Soundtrack

Poetry Reading: “All Of The Tracy Jokes If They Were Haikus: That Would Be A Fun Tumblr”

Memorial Deletion of Stray Word Or Two For Old Time’s Sake, Before Giving Up on Ever Getting It Under 38 Pages

Musical Selection: “I Don’t Care If It’s Distracting, I Need The Endorphins To Bang This Out” by Beyoncé Knowles

Moment Of Thankful Reflection on the fact that a too-smart ratings-challenged sitcom on a fourth-place network ran for seven seasons

Moment Of Curl-Up-In-A-Ball Anxiety about the average age of new sitcom writers

Postlude: New Girl Season 1 Netflix binge


Immediately Following The Funeral Service:

Procession to the external hard drive for laying to rest of the deceased, the deceased’s scanned WGA Registration certificate, and 12.27GB of 30 Rock iTunes downloads.


Next Time I Move Apartments:

Losing of external hard drive.

Alex Schmidt is a writer, comedian, and Internet. He tweets on WitStream.

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