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Home: The Toast

Bienvenue, Monsieur. Please allow me to introduce myself. I am the energy drink sommelier here at Le Coeur Palpitant. My goal is to help you power through tonight’s meal with grace and élan.

Le Coeur Palpitant boasts one of the finest cellars of non-perishable energy drinks from all over the world, including some exciting new concoctions from up-and-coming factories throughout the Rust Belt.

We offer individual cans or six-packs. In exceptional cases, and for a small corkage fee, we do allow diners to bring in their own energy drink if we cannot find it in a convenience store within our area code. We also offer an extensive tasting flight, though you will have to sign a waiver beforehand. C’est la vie!

If you would, please direct your attention then to the treadmill installed next to your table. I strongly recommend using it between each course. Oui, the “Aerobic” setting would be best. And one more thing: should you wish at any point to call our on-site paramedics, simply activate the provided medical alert bracelets.

Pour commencer, may I inquire as to what your post-dinner plans are? Nightclub? Rager? Ah, the opera. Wagner you say? Well then, I’d recommend a 5-hour Energy shot to start. It’s a tad sweet but still very light on the palate. I recommend giving it a good swirl to really bring out that metallic bouquet. Excellent, I’ll be right back with that.

Marvelous running form, Monsieur. May I be so bold as to ask which flavor of Doritos you prefer? This will give me a better sense of what drink flavors to suggest. Cool Ranch? A fine preference.

Alors, for fish, I have a very nice Cuba-Lima Monster drink that perfectly complements the seared sea bass. For our featured meat dish, it is non-negotiable. The filet mignon absolutely must go with a hearty Red Bull—on this classic pairing I will not budge.

If you’re looking for something unique, our 2010 Rock Star is an excellent choice. Strident yet coquettish, it’s from a very nice year before the government started cracking down on arsenic levels. And for the truly adventurous, our own brewmaster has devised a secret blend of Far East imports, NOS and castor oil that is generating quite a buzz.

Pepsi? Mais oui, we do have Pepsi, but might I recommend instead a delicious new brand, Full Throttle? It has just as much processed sugar and twice the caffeine. I’ll stake my sommelier’s license that you’ll enjoy it. Or perhaps a VPX Redline, with its hints of athletic socks, dried toothpaste and coriander? It goes very well with the venison, which can be exhausting to chew, n’est-ce pas?

Et voilà, Monsieur. Your drink. You’ll notice that I’m decanting it into a glass beaker, which is done to better display the ditch-water hue. Comment? Yes, I believe 10 is the treadmill’s maximum speed.

Bravo, I see that your glass is empty. Un peu jittery, are we? Fear not. Uncontrollable twitching is wonderful for digestion.

Perhaps an after-dinner drink for Monsieur? Merveilleux. First we must monitor your heart rate. If it’s under 190, we can offer you an exquisite digestif: a private reserve Blueberry Lemonade Four Loko, which—touchons du bois—will still be legal in this state by the time your check arrives.

Pardonnez-moi, Monsieur, but would you be so kind as to dismount? We have a 30-minute limit on the exercise machines during dinner service. No, no, don’t be silly. We’ll wipe it down for you.

It was a pleasure to serve you tonight at Le Coeur Palpitant, and sweet dreams.

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Matt Seidel is a writer living in Durham, NC. His articles can be found here.

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