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Home: The Toast

Coming to Bravo this fall: The False Housewives of Atlanta. Watch these shapeshifters ensorcell men and captivate their haters after trapping the true housewives under sea and under stone.

The series delves into the lives of six monstrous witches impersonating women from Atlanta’s social elite. Juggling families, careers, magickal imprisonment, and jam-packed social calendars, the False Housewives live their triumphs and frustrations out loud. They also must carefully guard the True Housewives they have buried underneath empty graves and keep them hidden from the world.

Watch NeNe Leaks struggle in her underwater prison and give battle to the Selkie Queen, whose sealskin she must find and burn if she ever hopes to return to the embrace of her husband Gregg.

Watch Porsha Stewart weep three perfect drops of blood onto a handkerchief; will this talisman be enough to protect her daughter from the clutches of her murderous mother-in-law?

See Kandi Burruss, who was cruelly betrayed by her serving-maid on what was to have been her wedding day, and now can only watch helplessly as she is forced to act as a maidservant to a false bride. The false Kandi has the aid of her witch-mother, who cleverly stopped up the eyes and ears of Todd Tucker and all his friends, that they might not recognize her trickery.

On her way to meet her lord-love Todd, Kandi’s brother the coachman called out a song that she could not hear:

“Cover thee well, my sister dear,
That the rain may not wet thee,
That the wind may not load thee with dust,
That thou may’st be fair and beautiful
When thou appearest before the King.”

falsebridemonsterKandi asked, “What is my dear brother saying?” “Ah,” said the old woman, “he says that you ought to take off your golden dress and give it to your sister.” Then she took it off, and put it on the false maiden, who gave her in exchange for it a shabby grey gown. They drove onwards, and a short time afterwards, the brother again cried,

“Cover thee well, my sister dear,
That the rain may not wet thee,
That the wind may not load thee with dust,
That thou may’st be fair and beautiful
When thou appearest before the King.”

The bride asked, “What is my dear brother saying?” “Ah,” said the old woman, “he says that you ought to take off your golden hood and give it to your sister.” So she took off the hood and put it on the false Kandi, and sat with her own head uncovered. And they drove on farther. After a while, the brother once more cried,

“Cover thee well, my sister dear,
That the rain may not wet thee,
That the wind may not load thee with dust,
That thou may’st be fair and beautiful
When thou appearest before the King.”

The bride asked, “What is my dear brother saying?” “Ah,” said the old woman, “he says you must look out of the carriage.” They were, however, just on a bridge, which crossed deep water. When the bride stood up and leant forward out of the carriage, they both pushed her out, and she fell into the middle of the water.

See them attempt to travel over running water on their way to the church, which the false Kandi cannot stand. Listen to the true Kandi mournfully pour out her sorrows to the birds of the air. Watch Todd refuse to take a sleeping potion on the third night before his wedding day — will he recognize the real Kandi as she creeps into his room and declares her love for him one final time?

falsebrideCan Kenya Moore wake from her enchanted sleep in time to save her beloved brother from being turned into a hart and hunted by the wicked king who wishes to trap her into marriage?

Watch Phaedra Parks call upon the gods to transform her and her children into trees in order to escape the poison wrath of the Queen of Snakes.

 

Atlanta continues to be a character in itself as one of the hottest entertainment hubs in America. These driven and ambitious sorceresses prove that they’re not just “horrific parodies of housewives,” but entrepreneurs, doting mothers and feisty, shapeshifting soul-eaters.

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