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Home: The Toast

One of my best friends and I both have mind-numbing desk jobs.

In order to survive said desk jobs, we spend most of our days Facebook chatting with each other. We use all-caps far more than is probably necessary. Our conversations very often veer into highly bizarre territory. Sometimes it’s fiction, sometimes it’s commentary, and it’s always weird. Lately, it’s focused mostly on Snoop Dogg’s semi-recent decision to rename himself Snoop Lion.

Teagan
He’s motherfucking Snoop
and he can do WHATEVER HE WANTS
SO DEAL WITH IT
AND CALL HIM LION NOW.
ALSO HE MAKES REGGAE NOW
SO DEAL WITH THAT TOO.

Liz
ALSO HE HANGS OUT WITH MARTHA STEWART
HE DOESN’T CARE WHAT YOU THINK
YOU ARE NOT A FACTOR IN ANY OF HIS DECISIONS
HE WILL BE PURCHASING PAISLEY PANTS
AND HE DOESN’T EVEN CARE THAT IT MAKES HIS HIPS LOOK WIDE
HE MIGHT EVEN GET THEM IN CAPRIS
OR CULOTTES.
HE’S GOING TO PURCHASE PAISLEY CULOTTES AND A MOCHA CHIP MILKSHAKE, AND HE DOESN’T WANT YOUR OPINION ON THAT.

Teagan
YEP
EXACTLY
HE’S JUST BEING SNOOP

Liz
HE’S DATING HARRY STYLES FROM ONE DIRECTION
AND IT’S NOT A PUBLICITY STUNT
THEY ARE LEGITIMATELY IN LOVE
NOT THAT IT MATTERS TO HIM IF YOU THINK IT’S A STUNT, ANWAY
THEY’RE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD
GONNA RIDE SPLASH MOUNTAIN THREE TIMES
IN THE PAISLEY CULOTTES
THAT HAVEN’T BEEN PREVIOUSLY WASHED
PROBABLY THE DYE WILL RUN A LITTLE
BUT SNOOP DOESN’T WANT YOUR LAUNDRY TIPS

snoop1

Teagan
THIS IS THE BEST SPECULATIVE FANFICTION ABOUT SNOOP LION’S LIFE THAT HAS EVER EXISTED.

Liz
SNOOP BOUGHT HIMSELF A CONDO IN NAMIBIA
BECAUSE HE LIKES THE NAME NAMIBIA
HE’S USING IT CURRENTLY AS A STORAGE UNIT FOR HIS KOMODO DRAGONS
23 OF THEM
ALL COINCIDENTALLY NAMED “NAMIBIA”

Teagan
SEE NOW
I FEEL LIKE THIS VERSION OF SNOOP IS ALSO SECRETLY TRACY JORDAN.

Liz
NO
SNOOP HAS HIRED RESPONSIBLE GUARDS FOR HIS STORAGE UNIT
AND A PERSONAL TRAINER FOR EACH DRAGON
ALL OF THE TRAINERS WEAR NAMETAGS EXPLAINING WHICH DRAGON THEY ARE TRAINING
SO ALL OF THE TRAINERS WEAR NAMETAGS THAT SAY
“HI! I’M TRAINING *NAMIBIA*”
SNOOP ISN’T INTERESTED IN YOUR OPINION ON THAT.

snoop2

ON SNOOP LION, PART TWO

Liz
SNOOP BOUGHT MOON SHOES
FROM A 90’S NOSTALGIA WEBSITE
AND THEY DON’T FIT HIS FEET
AND HE’S WELL ABOVE THE WEIGHT LIMIT
BUT HE WALKS AROUND IN THEM ANYWAY
LIKE A DEFLATED SOUFFLE ON EACH FOOT
HE DOESN’T WANT ANYONE’S IDEAS ON A BETTER WAY.

Teagan
NOTHING SADDER THAN A DEFLATED SOUFFLE
BUT SNOOP DOESN’T CARE.

Liz
HIS TOES KINDA FLOP OVER THE FRONT OF THEM, TOO
WHICH IS CAUSING HIS GAIT TO CHANGE
SO HE NOW WALKS LIKE A T-REX WITH A DISPLACED HIP
BUT HE’S PAINTED HIS TOENAILS TO LOOK LIKE THE SURFACE OF THE MOON
BECAUSE THEY’RE MOON SHOES
NOT THAT HE THINKS HE OWES YOU ANY EXPLANATION
SO HE’S OKAY WITH THE POSTURE SACRIFICE
SNOOP BOUGHT THE DISTRIBUTION RIGHTS TO LIL WAYNE’S MOM
SO THAT SHE CAN COME OVER TO SNOOP’S HOUSE AND TUCK HIM IN AT NIGHT
HE LIKES THE WAY SHE READS “THE FOOT BOOK” BY DR. SUESS.
IT’S HIS FAVORITE BOOK.
HE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE BOOK, THOUGH.
SNOOP ALSO OWNS THE RIGHTS TO THE MOTHERS OF LEONARDO DICAPRIO,
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES, BRUCE VILANCH, AND MARTIN SHEEN.

snoop3

Teagan
I BET BRUCE VILANCH’S MOM IS A HOOT AND A HALF.

Liz
HE’S IN TALKS WITH PAUL REUBENS AND LARRY DAVID FOR THEIRS AS WELL.
BRUCE VILANCH’S MOM, BRACE VILANCH
IS ACTUALLY NOW A NUN
WHO TOOK A VOW OF SILENCE IN 1965
SNOOP LIKES TO MAKE HER STAND IN THE CORNER AND HOLD A LIGHTBULB
AND PRETEND THAT SHE’S A BROKEN NOVELTY LAMP

Teagan
THAT’S BOTH FUNNY AND SAD

Liz
SHE LIKES IT
BECAUSE AT THE CONVENT
SHE JUST SILENTLY COUNTS GRAINS OF RICE
SHE DOESN’T EVEN TALLY THEM
A FEW TIMES SHE’S JUST PICKED UP RICE AND PUT IT BACK DOWN WITHOUT
COUNTING IT
AND NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW
IT’S THE SIN SHE IS CHIEFLY GUILTY FOR.
BRACE VILANCH IS NOW MY HERO.
BUT SNOOP DOESN’T CARE ABOUT THAT.

Teagan
SNOOP DOESN’T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING

Liz
WELL
SNOOP CARES ABOUT THE WELL-BEING OF HIS KOMODO DRAGONS, NAMIBIA
AND ALSO FOR HOW THE WOMEN’S SCHOOL HE SET UP IN DOWNTOWN SALT LAKE CITY IS DOING
HE HAD IT CONSTRUCTED EXACTLY THE SAME AS A SCHOOL IN NAMIBIA
SO BECAUSE IT DOESN’T HAVE DOORS, WINDOW GLASS, OR RUNNING WATER
ATTENDANCE IS SPARSE
THERE ARE CURRENTLY THREE WOMEN ON STAFF
ALL OF THEM ARE NAMED BRENDA HIGGINS
SNOOP DID NOT, INTERESTINGLY, HIRE THEM FOR THIS REASON
THEY ARE ALL UNIQUELY QUALIFIED
AND TOTALLY DIFFERENT IN EVERY OTHER WAY
THE SCHOOL IS CALLED
THE LION SCHOOL OF FOLK MUSIC
AND TEACHES STRICTLY ALGEBRA
BECAUSE ALL THE BRENDAS ARE GOOD AT MATH
BUT NOT SO MUCH AT MUSIC

Teagan
WELL THAT SEEMS CONFUSING.

Liz
SNOOP DOESN’T RECOGNIZE YOUR CONFUSION
BECAUSE HE REFUSES TO LET IT REGISTER
IT HAS BEEN STRICKEN FROM THE RECORD
ADDITIONALLY THEY TEACH A SUMMER SEMINAR ON STRAWBERRY FARMING
BECAUSE THE STRAWBERRY CENTER OF AMERICA IS THEIR PRIMARY SPONSOR

Teagan
WELL THAT’S NICE

Liz
THE STRAWBERRY CENTER OF AMERICA IS LITERALLY THE CENTER OF A STRAWBERRY
THAT IS HOUSED IN MOMA
IT’S NOT A CENTER FOR STRAWBERRY RESEARCH
THE CENTER OF THIS STRAWBERRY IS INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY
FROM A NUMBER OF STRONG INVESTMENTS
INTO COMPUTERS IN THE EIGHTIES.

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Teagan Walsh-Davis and Liz Siedt are two pretend professionals in Chicago. To pass the time until they can go play, they shout at each other over the internet. They often wonder what really killed Tiny Tim.

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