In Memoriam of the Celebrities We Lost This Year:
Bradley Cooper, let go of our hand in a Kroger’s parking lot, got separated in the confusion.
Blake Shelton, disappeared from his post as a lighthouse keeper, along with three other men on duty, leaving behind all of their equipment and a completely set dinner table.
Taye Diggs, lost at sea.
William H. Macy, lost at sea.
Lucy Liu, went out for cigarettes and never came back.
Taylor Lautner, plane never returned after a routine reconnaissance over the Shetland Islands.
Jada Pinkett-Smith, lost at sea.
Nicole Kidman, stolen by a witch.
Zoe Saldana, left the cabin at midnight after everyone heard the same weird noise saying “I’ll be right back,” only she never came back.
Louis C.K., wandered into an open shed and then couldn’t get out again.
Shahrukh Khan, ran away.
Beyoncé and Martha Stewart, disappeared during a sudden thunderstorm that interrupted their picnics on two separate and unrelated occasions.
Kelly Ripa, chased away and established a new territory, too panicked to return home.
Kerry Washington, stolen by fairies and replaced with a changeling.
Tina Fey, lost at sea.
Kate Winslet, lost in Woodfield Mall in Schaumburg.
Jimmy Kimmel, Bermuda Triangle.
Selena Gomez, missing along with four trappers on an expedition of the St. Lawrence River.
Keith Urban, last seen walking home alone from school.
Bill Clinton, kidnapped by a cruel count.
Colin Firth, evil twin.
Ludacris, taken in by another family after failing to come home for dinner.
Celine Dion, fell into a hole.
They will be missed.
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.