Home » Ancient Grains • Humor » Celebrities We Lost In 2013 Celebrities We Lost In 2013 Mallory Ortberg on December 12, 2013 in Ancient Grains, Humor 1000939 Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F2013%2F12%2F12%2Fcelebrities-lost-2013%2FCelebrities+We+Lost+In+20132013-12-12+20%3A00%3A31Mallory+Ortberghttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F%3Fp%3D10009 In Memoriam of the Celebrities We Lost This Year: Bradley Cooper, let go of our hand in a Kroger’s parking lot, got separated in the confusion. Blake Shelton, disappeared from his post as a lighthouse keeper, along with three other men on duty, leaving behind all of their equipment and a completely set dinner table. Taye Diggs, lost at sea. William H. Macy, lost at sea. Lucy Liu, went out for cigarettes and never came back. Taylor Lautner, plane never returned after a routine reconnaissance over the Shetland Islands. Jada Pinkett-Smith, lost at sea. Nicole Kidman, stolen by a witch. Zoe Saldana, left the cabin at midnight after everyone heard the same weird noise saying “I’ll be right back,” only she never came back. Louis C.K., wandered into an open shed and then couldn’t get out again. Shahrukh Khan, ran away. Beyoncé and Martha Stewart, disappeared during a sudden thunderstorm that interrupted their picnics on two separate and unrelated occasions. Kelly Ripa, chased away and established a new territory, too panicked to return home. Kerry Washington, stolen by fairies and replaced with a changeling. Tina Fey, lost at sea. Kate Winslet, lost in Woodfield Mall in Schaumburg. Jimmy Kimmel, Bermuda Triangle. Selena Gomez, missing along with four trappers on an expedition of the St. Lawrence River. Keith Urban, last seen walking home alone from school. Bill Clinton, kidnapped by a cruel count. Colin Firth, evil twin. Ludacris, taken in by another family after failing to come home for dinner. Celine Dion, fell into a hole. They will be missed. Tags: celebrities, unexplained disappearances Related PostsQuentin Tarantino’s Twenty-Year PlanThe Future of Wes Anderson is Tom WolfeZac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez, Romantic Human CoupleAfter Twenty Years of Masquerading as a Family of Orthodox Amish, It’s Time We Rob this Place BlindI’m Sick And Tired Of All These Hip Young Adults Bringing Their Aging Parents To My Favorite BarsEvery English Novel Ever About Author by Mallory Ortberg Mallory is an Editor of The Toast. 10009Latest Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F2013%2F12%2F12%2Fcelebrities-lost-2013%2FCelebrities+We+Lost+In+20132013-12-12+20%3A00%3A31Mallory+Ortberghttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F%3Fp%3D10009 Emby I actually had a thought yesterday while seeing one of these columns around the Web: "Wouldn't it be funny if Mallory did a 'Celebrities We Found in 2013'???" Turns out I was wrong, but in kind of an interesting way. Matt Lubchansky ozzie smith, fell into springfield mystery spot katiemcguillicuddy Ken Griffey Jr, nerve tonic-induced party that took place in his mouth. Scandyhoovian I'm just going to assume those that were lost at sea are now partying together at a Hawaiian luau with umbrellas in their drinks, not realizing they're lost at all. SarahDances Indeed. It kind of makes taking to the sea seem an even more appealing option, doesn't it? whizzdumb Soon as I got to Tina Fey I figured the lost at sea ones were The Toast approved. Samk12345 They were here all along *points to your heart* Lu3 "The Hollywood Tinies" Tortoiseshell Bat Louis C.K., wandered into an open shed and then couldn’t get out again. I don't know why this made me laugh until I nearly cried, but it did, so… good job. osutein "Kate Winslet, lost in Woodfield Mall in Schaumburg." The darkest of all fates. whizzdumb I was gonna say that! Or, "Wouldn't wish Kate Winslet's fate on my worst enemy." You win this round. nonesuch Oh Lordy lord, woodfield mall! As a wayward youth, who made it a priority to try all of the drugs, me and my friends would skip class and go to Woodfield Mall to take lots of acid(yes I am old). Where else could we go in dirty snow covered suburbia for hijinks? Though I think we very much wore out our welcome at Units(I said I was old). Anyhoo, maybe being banished to that mall would maybe not be so bad; perhaps like being caught in a 1990's version of the prisoner?? Elsa Mallory's twitter is like a spirit whispering in your ear, casting portents of the morrow and What Will Be. icebergmama Not Lucy Liu! first Lucy Liu-Bot and now this. (Fry: "Are you alright?" Lucy Bot: "Yes, my love, I'll be just *MASSIVE CORN CLOG IN PORT 7*") tubatoothpaste Of COURSE Colin Firth has an evil twin!! MrsTeacherFace I think he appeared in Shakespeare in Love. EPWordsnatcher Many of these celebrities are taking the Toast's shirt-tagline a bit too literally. juliamhc Woodfield Mall!! I have so many unpleasant memories of back-to-school shopping there as a grade schooler. we lived in chicago but heavy-duty shopping trips in my household always involved traveling to the suburbs for added misery. truly a horrible and plausible location for an unexplained disappearance. allabee Surely Bill's wife has the dexterity and political savvy to get him out of this mess???? BellaG Nicole Kidman just wants everyone to think she was stolen by a witch. In reality, she called up the coven, and they came and got her, and she is now being taught in the ways of weather control. Tekknight Maybe it's because I'm new here, but I don't get it. Perhaps it's… nope just don't get it. whizzdumb "lost" like literally, not like dead. That's about it. MalloryOrtberg Aww, don't TELL him, that ruins it whizzdumb Whoops, I thought explaining it would be funny, but I forgot that explaining jokes is rarely funny. The first one makes it SO obvious though. Little Bradley Cooper also got lost inside the grocery store, earlier, and had to ask the produce dude to help him find his mommy and then the produce bro paged Mrs. Cooper over the intercom. mollpants TINA FEY DESERVES BETTER THAN SEA "Tina Fey, ate too much cheese." EPWordsnatcher "Tina Fey, ham" Samk12345 Tina Fey, went ham on cheese (context: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Go… Shalalas "Tina Fey, rum ham" mollpants "Danny DeVito, followed Tina and ham to sea" actualmeg "Tina Fey, kidnapped by Meat Cat." rkfire KROGER'S. I just caught that. I think if there was any supermarket prone to facilitating companion separation, it would be the constant chaos that is Wegman's. safvn The phrase "lost at sea" gives me a certain feeling of quiet desperation and joy even in this context, which probably means I should go home and have dinner. Madge Howlet Seriously, though, Woodfield Mall is a 3D (possibly 12D) Escher drawing. The escalators return you to the place you started! Occasionally you find yourself walking on the ceiling above Auntie Anne's! nonesuch Yes!!!! ziega I wish we could somehow switch brains. I bet it's fascinating in there. HeyHandsome Wait! Who was the one that was chased away by dogs? You know. That guy. Fair_Amoret Correction: Celine Dion will not, in fact, be missed. Can't be missed, really; she's rather loud. Danielle B. SHARUKH KHAN! *screams* How did I know you watched Bollywood too? Somehow….somehow I knew. Losing Fast I must be thick! I started reading this and thought – 'what? All dead?'!!! great column – LMAO!