This holiday installment of Misandrist Lullabies has been brought to you by an anonymous, misandry-loving reader, on behalf of her terrible, soon-to-be-ex-boss.
Good King Wenceslas looked out, on the Feast of Stephen,
Men are incapable of goodness;
It is impossible for a man to be good.
No man who claims the right to rule over others is good.
I Saw Mommy Gelding Santa Claus
God rest you merry, Gentlemen,
Let nothing you dismay,
For nothing ill shall befall you
Upon this Christmas day
Put down your weapons, rest your eyes,
Sweetly let down your guard.
You do not hear anything that’s sounding odd
Go tell it on the mountain
Over the hills and everywhere
Go tell it on the mountain
There remains to civic-minded, responsible, thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money system, institute complete automation and eliminate the male sex
Deck the hall with boughs of holly,
Fa la la la la la la la la
‘Tis the season to be jolly,
Fa la la la la la la la la
Don we now our gay apparel
Troll the ancient Christmas carol,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
See the blazing males before us,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Strike the harp and join the chorus.
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Follow me in merry measure,
While I tell of Christmas treasure,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Fast away the man-fire passes,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Bid farewell to lads, ye lasses!
Fa la la la la la la la la.
Sing we joyous all together,
Heedless of their screams and weather,
Fa la la la la la la la la.
It’s beginning to look like Misandristmas
Everywhere you go
Take a look at the Tomb of Men
Glistening once again
With skull-topped monuments and graves aglow
Come they told me, pa rum pa pum pum
A newborn king to see, pa rum pa pum pum
Our finest gifts we bring, pa rum pa pum pum
The glass escalator‘s hidden benefits for well-connected men begins at birth
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
The very next day, you gave it away
Heterosexual intercourse is the pure, formalized expression of contempt for women’s bodies
I’ll have a blue Christmas without global lesbian trans-inclusive separatism
You really must stay
Please — it’s so cold outside
You can’t get away
I’ll die of cold outside
Please let me back in
Been hoping that you’d drop by
Don’t let me die
I’ll sit and watch you turn to ice
I wish I knew how
Your eyes look so black right now
To break this spell
I’ll take your hat, your shoes as well
I’ve got to get home
No, you’ll stay and freeze out there
At least lend me a coat
It’s up to your knees out there
How can you do this thing to me?
There’s bound to be talk tomorrow
The snow will bury your sorrow
At least there will be plenty implied
I’ll watch you catch pneumonia and die
Away in a manger, no crib for a bed,
The little Lord Jesus lay down His sweet head,
The stars in the bright sky looked down where he lay,
The heterosexual nuclear family model is a disease that must be eliminated.
They know that Santa’s on his way;
He’s loaded lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh.
And every mother’s child is going to try
To crusade for a one-sex world free of men
What child is this, who, laid to rest,
On Mary’s lap is sleeping,
Whom angels greet with anthems sweet
While shepherds watch are keeping?
It is only a boy
It is only a boy, let us go away
On the first day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
A Partridge in a Pear Tree
He believed my love could be bought
He believed that I could be bought
He believes all women can be bought
Gift-giving is oppressive and wrong
Santa Claus Is Coming To Town (And We’re Ready For Him)
Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul,
With a corncob pipe and a button nose,
And two eyes made out of coal and all of the attendant economic advantages and social privileges conferred upon a snow-white man for simply existing
He has everything to be jolly about
He has everything
All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth,
my two front teeth,
see my two front teeth
All I want for Christmas is to see a man beaten to a bloody pulp with a high-heel shoved in his mouth, like an apple in the mouth of a pig
Then I could wish you Merry Christmas!
Santa baby, my behavior is none of your concern
Santa baby, my goodness and the number of men I have or haven’t kissed have nothing to do with one another
Santa what are the working conditions like for the miners in that platinum mine you gave me the deed for
Santa I’m responsible for providing them with a living wage and guarding them from occupational hazards
Santa baby, the occupational safety of the working poor is a feminist issue
I’m concerned about asbestos-related heart and lung cancer rates among the employees of my platinum mine
[With gelding-related joke assistance from @cushbomb, a man]
Tags: andrea dworkin quotes, christmas carols, misandry, misandry is real…real cool, the scum manifesto, whimsically held positions
this is all I ever wanted and more
*ahem*
silent night, holy night
all is calm, all is bright
because we hollowed out the bodies of all the men
and lit candles inside of them on this the holiest of nights
(though my personal preference is for a matriarchy where men are our slaves, not one where they are dead, so with that in mind)
jingle bells, jingle bells
jingle all the way
oh what fun it is to ride
in a male-pulled open sleigh
hey!
Have yourself a merry little Misandristmas
Let your heart be light
From now on all men will be kept out of sight
yesssssssssssss
God(dess) bless us, every one!
Misandristmas: even better than Festivus.
A Merry Misandristmas to all!
edit: except for men
Exactly, which is why I’m relegating my husband to a dirty blanket in the utility room until after New Year’s.
You are kind and merciful
It’s the holiday season
And Santa Claus
Its maw all red
Descends upon the world of men
It is reaping all the boy-children
Ooh, I like this.
ALL HAIL KRAMPUS
The girl-child seems to regard this abduction with equanimity. As well she should.
Hence the reason I chose this from the many, many Krampus-reaping-the-boy-children options that were available.
I’ve been saying that gift-giving is oppressive and wrong for years. YEARS.
SHUT THE HOLIDAYS DOWN, WE’RE DONE HERE
As I was falling asleep just last night, I was thinking that we needed some misandrist carols. This is a Christmas dream come true!
Mallory how did you know I needed this today? It’s a Christmas miracle!
Time to go violate copyright for desk-DeVille, with holly and wicked laughter upon her.
This is what my Monday needed. I wish I could physically hug these. Perhaps in book form?????
Can we get a Femslash Friday with Mary/Mary Magdalene?
aka The femslash I never knew I needed until someone asked for it
That is a line I did not know I had until JUST NOW until you asked me to cross it!
The Nutcracker.
THIS IS EVERYTHING I WANT.
“I’ll have a blue Christmas without global lesbian trans-inclusive separatism”
MALLORY ITS LIKE YOURE IN MY HEAD
Now I know what to say if anyone asks what’s on my Christmas list.
Another day, another Toast post that I upvote every comment on.
Good people on this Christmastime
Consider well and bear in mind
That men will burn and come to pay
For all the sins they’ve sent our way
With Mary holy we shall pray
For men to burn this Christmas day
And as God’s angels have foretold
Shall women worldly power hold
I didn’t think I could love the Wexford Carol any more, and then this happens.
O come all ye faithful
Joyful and triumphant
For women have taken hold of all worldly power
Come and behold it
Matriarchy forever
O come let us adore it
O come let us adore it
O come let us adoooore ii-iiit
Maaa-triiii-archyyyyyy
Mary Mary, had a little baby,
Mmhmmm, had a little baby,
Ooooh-ooohhh, had a little baby,
Who grew up to be a nonbinary feminist powerhouse
Joy to the world! the new matriarchy is come;
Let earth receive her Queen;
Let every heart prepare her room,
And heaven and nature sing,
And heaven and nature sing,
And heaven, and heaven, and nature sing.
Joy to the world! the Lady reigns;
Let men their labors employ;
While sons and brothers, fathers, uncles, and grandfathers,
Repeat the sounding joy,
Repeat the sounding joy,
Repeat, repeat the sounding joy and serve their new queen with the respect she deserves.
She rules the world with truth and grace and just punishments for all men who forget their place
And makes the nations prove
The glories of Her righteousness,
And wonders of Her love,
And wonders of Her love,
And wonders, wonders, of Her love and righteous justice for the lesser sex.
The first noel,
The angel did say,
Was to certain poor shepherds in fields as they lay
In fields where they
lay keeping their sheep
on a cold winter’s night that was so deep
noel, noel, noel, noel
fie upon all men who dare attempt to unseat the queen
noel, noel, noel, noel
born is the queen of this earthly realm
There’s a star in the East on Christmas morn
Rise up, womyn, and follow
It will lead to the place where gender is strictly a social construct
Rise up, womyn, and follow
Leave your kids and leave your men
Rise up, womyn, and follow
No, really, just leave behind all the men
Rise up, womyn, and follow
Follow, follow
Rise up, womyn, and follow
Follow your womb to the Motherland
Rise up, womyn, and follow
Dashing through the snow
in a one-horse open sleigh
pulled by a single man
who knows his place in the new world order
I’M LAUGHING ALL THE WAY TO MATRIARCHY
Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
Over the males we plow
Laughing all the way, HA HA HA.
HAHAHAHAHAHA.
AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
I had a more lengthy version with the verse about Fanny Bright but it sort of got lost between the idea and the text.
I have been waiting all december for this.
KILL ALL MEN
KILL ALL MEN
LET THEM KNOW IT’S MISANDRISTMAS TIME AGAIN
“Away in a manger, no crib for a bed,
The little Lord Jesus lay down His sweet head,
The stars in the bright sky looked down where he lay,
The heterosexual nuclear family model is a disease that must be eliminated”
This made me literally laugh out loud. Then I went home, fortified my man-cave, stocked it with rations, turned on the generator, and now wait quietly in the dark. Above, beyond the steel vault and layers of stone, I hear the thunder of feet across the newly fallen snow. “It’s only the wind,” I try to tell myself. But I know the truth. It is the hordes of The Matriach. They are coming.
I was so worried that the commentariat had used up, as it were, all the good carols with our own paltry offerings but I was wrong, WRONG I SAY, to doubt Mallory. Misandristmas, indeed.
misandry is like the sun, a forever-renewable source of energy
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Matriarchy all the way
Oh what fun it is to see
Men’s rights slip away
OK I’m starting to get actually scared now. Can you guys make a men’s tee with a special symbol on it that entitles us to a swift and painless death?
I second that. Like Lord General Ortberg looks upon the shirt and says, “This one is marked. He regularly shared The Toast links on Twitter. Lower him swiftly, not slowly, into the piranha tank.”
This may be more optimistic but I hope that there’s a special place in the Matriarchy for us, the first generation of men to betray our own gender–whether it’s head-slave, bottom-bro, or maybe delegate dude?
“Eunuch Janitors”
We are currently developing specially-trained piranha to target only certain areas of male anatomy. They are activated with Misandrist Songs. You will not know which piranha tank you get until it is too late.
Our toes?
You can tell yourself that if it makes you feel any better. Stories are what have to help us cope with the grim and sorrowful state of reality.
Sorry if this is too real, but I’m expecting to be branded or tattooed with my lowly status determining my fate. T-shirts are a luxury and can be stolen. Also, will fertile men be “harvested”? There’s many more unoriginal questions/fears where that came from.
Have you read A Handmaid’s Tale?
That.
In the matriarchy you will make and wear your own Condemnation Uniforms.
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Had a very shiny nose
All of the men who saw it
Used to say that she’s a ho
All of the other reindeer
Used to be shitty and slut-shame
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in other reindeer games
Then one foggy Christmas eve
Santa came to say
“You all have got to stop calling each other sluts and whores.
It just makes it okay for guys to call you sluts and whores.”
Frosty the snowman knew
the sun was hot that day
So he said
“Let’s run and
we’ll have find some shade
now before I melt away…
and the girls dragged him out into the sun
For Frosty the snowman
tried to hurry on his way
The girls waved goodbye saying
“Don’t you cry
You won’t be back again some day”
*Thumpetty thump thump
thumpety thump thump*
was the sound of the girls beating his body into a shapeless form over the hills of snow
was the sound of
Men’s nuts roastingon an open fire…..
Jack offs nipped at the nose
Yultide males being hung by the fire,
And women dressed up like Eskimos.
Everybody knows alll males just need some mistletoe,
Help to make the season blight.
Tiny men with their bros all aglow,
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.
Mary did you know that your baby girl would some day walk on water?
Mary did you know that your baby girl would enslave our sons and fathers?
Did you know that your baby girl has come to make anew?
This child that you’ve delivered, will soon deliver you from the bonds of patriarchy.
Ok I apologize for any spelling/grammatical errors my computer keyboard is terrible and I didn’t proofread
Okay no this is a problem because all I want to do now is make up more of these but I have legitimate work to do.
Yes.
So we better be getting some of these as actual Christmas cards next year.
Bring a torch Jeanette Isabella
Bring a torch come swiftly and run
Kill all the men. Tell the folk in the village
the men will all die and there will be a reckoning
Ah ah, beautiful is the fire
Hush, hush, listen to all their screams.
This reminds me of my favorite tumblr post of all tumblr posts:
http://25.media.tumblr.com/bea33815a7ae9439ddae1e…
YES.
There’s been an addition to it–something about December 23 being Christmas Adam, because it comes before Christmas Eve and is generally unsatisfying.
Yay! Oh man, today’s perfect for these. Though then again, there’s never a wrong day for misandry.
We wish to take all their testes
We wish to remove their testes
And after we take their testes
We’ll subject them to jeers
So bring us a spoiled manchild
Yes, bring us a wimpy manchild
Just bring us that loathsome manchild
And we’ll geld him right here
We won’t go until we get one
No, won’t go until we get one
Might not go until we GUT one
So bring him out here
You seem to think that we’re joking
How can you still think we’re joking?
We’re really not even joking
And we hope that it’s clear
you are a precious treasure and I am crying with laughter.
Jesus Christ (pun intended) there are a lot of Christmas songs. Here are my token Hanukkah contributions:
1. Dreidel dreidel dreidel
I made you from the bones of vanquished males
And when you’re dry and ready
Oh dreidel I shall play with my sisters as we gamble for their skulls
2. Hanukkah oh Hanukkah
Come light the menorah
We set fire to eight phalluses and watch them melt
Quite the metaphor-a
METAPHOR-A
Is it me or doe the parts accidentally switch in the “it’s so cold outside” one?
Have yourself a merry Misandristmas
Let the world be gay
From now on all men will be vanished away
Here we are as in proper days
Happy better days than yore
Fateful friends who are dear to us
Toasties near to us forevermore
Through the years we’ll tell tales of them forever
As the fates allow
Laugh as we remember how we lived before the purge somehow
And have yourself a merry little Misandristmas now
Oh, I especially love that last one — “Santa baby, the occupational safety of the working poor is a feminist issue.” I’ve been struggling to laugh silently while reading this, but I may have to share that one with my co-workers.
Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
Over the males we plow
Laughing all the way, HA HA HA.
HAHAHAHAHAHA.
AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
What a bright time
It’s the right time
To overthrow the patriarchy in a meticulously-planned series of swift and effective guerilla operations
What a bright time
It's the right time
To overthrow the patriarchy in a meticulously-planned series of swift and effective guerilla operations
Sleigh bells ring
Are you listening
In the lane
Snow is glistening
A beautiful sight,
We’re happy tonight
Walking in a manfree wonderland
Gone away, is the cock
Here to stay, is the hen
She sings a free song,
As we stroll along
Walking in a manfree wonderland
In the meadow we can build a snowgirl
And pretend that she is Priestess Brown
She’ll say Are you handfasted?
We’ll say No Man!
We have 3 other lady partners in non permanent arrangements of mutual respect and shared foster daughters and several kindly treated manservants.
When we’re in town
Later on
We’ll conspire
As we dream by the fire
To face unafraid
The plans that we’ve made to be
Walking in a manfree winter wonderland
In the meadow we can build a snowman
And pretend that he’s still living in the woods
We’ll have lots of fun with mister snow man
Until we kick him with tall heels to knock him down!
When it snows
Ain’t it thrilling
Though your nose gets a chilling
We’ll frolic and play the lesbian way
Walking in a manfree wonderland
Walking in a manfree wonderland
Walking in a manfree wonderland
(it wrote itself. I think that one wanted to be misandrist all along.)
"I Saw Mommy Gelding Santa Claus"
ON A SHIRT PLEASE OH PLEASE ALL I WANT EVER
Gud one Mallory it was really fun to read 😀