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Previously: Why Aren’t We Talking About How Much Tim Curry and Dave Grohl Are The Same?

I am horrified and astonished that Johnny Weir and Tom Hiddleston have been running around existing for the last several decades without a single attempt to force them to pair skate together à la Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg because they are the exact same man. Why aren’t we talking about this every day?

johnnyweir

Don’t try to tell me this isn’t a still from the movie Thor, because I won’t believe you. That is clearly English actor Tom Hiddleston in the movie Thor, or possibly Thor II, or possibly The Avengers. Whichever one has Tom Hiddleston in it. Is he in all three of them? He couldn’t possibly be in all three of them. Look at him, skating across the rainbow bridge Bifrost to Asgard.

Screen Shot 2013-12-17 at 10.28.54 PMHere, of course, we see celebrated figure skater Johnny Weir in one of his trademark over-the-top costumes preparing to go on the ice.

Important question for readers: Why are they the same face. Why are they the same face in the same elaborate midnight-black skintight leotards with outré neck-and-shoulder embellishmentsWhy. Why. 

Equally important followup question: Why are they also both Rufus Wainwright? Why are they three, but also one? What is this fey, white-mouthed Trinity? 

rufusWhile we’re asking horrified, panting questions, why is Rufus Wainwright only sometimes Tom Hiddleston and Johnny Weir but the rest of the time Gaius Baltar from Battlestar Galactica? What goddamn business does this Canadian singer-songwriter have looking like goddamn Gaius Baltar from Battlestar Galactica half the time?

gaius2WHY IS GAIUS BALTAR FROM BATTLESTAR GALACTICA SOMETIMES RUFUS WAINWRIGHT BUT ALSO SOMETIMES NABOO FROM THE MIGHTY BOOSHI: 

naboo

 I am unsettled and frightened and the only thing that will make this right is A) someone sorting out just how many of these men are real and then banishing the remaining hollow shells to whatever hell-dimension the real Tom Hiddleston summoned them from or B) a movie version of Macbeth that comes out next week where all of them play The Weird Sisters and Lady Macbeth by turns. Thank you for your time.

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