Instead of taking the stairs, visualize yourself on the floor you want. Your self-confidence will get you there.

Try to make sure you get up every hour or so at work and quit.

Make this the year you stop drinking water. It’s a crutch, and you don’t need it.

It actually doesn’t matter how much sleep you get in a night — all that’s important is that you regularly lay motionless in the dark for at least eight hours. It doesn’t have to be in a bed, or even your own home. Anyone’s home will do.

Watch out for hidden sugars. The safest thing to do is to eat a great deal of it; this way you always know where the sugar is (deep inside of you).

Remember, all punctures count as accupuncture.

Watch out for the new you in the new year. She will try to take your life from you. If she succeeds, no one will ever know what has become of you, so skilled is she at mimicking your manner and way of moving across a room. Be watchful always.

Make sure to watch that Sarah McLachlan commercial about animal shelters until you become wholly desensitized to suffering.

Instead of cooking with butter, scream nails. Instead of cooking with refined-grain pasta, smile poison. Pelt your walls with avocados, then move without giving your landlord 30 days’ notice.

Remember, eating can solve your emotional problems, if you make it a priority.

You might not be ready to quit smoking entirely this year. Try taking smaller steps – start smoking from the other side of the cigarette for a change. Your lungs will appreciate the variety. You’ve heard of muscle confusion and how important it is to strength training; lung confusion is an equally important component of overall health.

Be sure to visit your dentist this year, but do not let him look inside of your mouth. Hold your ground. He will fight you at first, but then he will come to respect you for it.

Eat lunch for every meal.

If you’re figure-conscious, try eating only the watery residue that develops on certain foods: the thin liquid that appears on the surface of yogurt and cottage cheese after a few days, whatever seeps out of your steamed broccoli or microwaved oatmeal, the condensation on the outside of your drink.

Make sure not to lose your body to anyone with witch hands.

Use your teeth for chewing, not for bartering with the Night People. Their bargains are never worth it in the long run.

Only eat the outside of things: the can your tuna comes in, rather than the tuna itself. Make 2014 the year you finally ingest enough packaging.

Don’t just hide vegetables in your food: hide anything you can in there. Keep it secret, keep it safe, keep it in your intestines.