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Home: The Toast

1daniel_hertzberg_night_club_tragedy_chicago_print_copyMost recently in this series of unspeakable torments: Book Club.

To: Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole S; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie (work)
From: Ali
Date: December 7, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Ladies!!!!

SO as everyone knows New Years Eve is my signature event!!! In years past, I would have been sending out save-the-dates in the early spring. But I actually have some news!

Mike & I broke up. It was 10000% mutual. I was doing a combo The Art of War/Why Men Love Bitches/October Cosmo’s “How To Keep A Man Interested Using These 40 BJ Tips,” but none of it worked. I’m just dealing with a lot of wrecking balls coming at me right now.

But like I said when I got mono while playing Mimi in Rent at Stagedoor Manor, the show must go on!!!!!

I’d like to do something supes low-key this year. Sometimes before we can YOLO we need to CHOLO (Concealing Heart Outrage (through) Laid-Back Outings). Think we need to stay local. Ja feel?

Idea:

Penthouse Party

Lets make this happen ladies. Who you kiss at New Years determines the rest of your entire year. Let’s make 2014 a winner.

Loves,

Ali

“All I can do is live in each moment. I don’t have control over tomorrow.” – Lindsay Lohan, interview with Oprah, August 2013

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To: Ali; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole S; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie (work)
From: Katie
Date: December 7, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Ladies,

Let me first of all say: where has the time gone?

Al – are you okay? I am so sorry to hear about you and Mike. I mean, let’s be honest, when you met him we all kind of were like, sure Ali, another UVA Lax bro with khakis and an overwhelming amount of Patagonia in his closet, what else is new (but really), but Mike really seemed different!! He was so patient with you <33 I am sorry he broke up with you…….wish I was there with you tonight to be your Charlotte if this was the episode where Carrie gets arrested for smoking weed post-post-it breakup lol. Love you. You will get through this!!!!!!!! Do you wanna do yoga? I forget, do you eat when you’re sad or starve when you’re sad???

In terms of New Years, I thought we were going to do something BIG and AMAZING this year…but CHOLOing sounds okay too…can we still wear sequins?????

xoxoxo,

Katie

So we put our hands up like the ceiling can’t hold us

Like the ceiling can’t hold us — MAckLE.MoRE

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To: Ali; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie (work)
From: Nicole
Date: December 7, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Ali + my babes,

Are you okay??? Should we do a brunch????

Nicole

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To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie (work)
From: Ali
Date: December 7, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Thanks girls :) Honestly, I feel like Magic Mike when wore his smart glasses and got turned down for that loan and then he put all his energy into dancing his heart out to Ginuwine’s Pony, you know? Anyway, our New Years will be my Pony dance. So where do we stand on penthouse invites???

XO

Ali

“Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be.” – Carrie Bradshaw

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To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen; Ali
From: Gracie (work)
Date: December 7, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Aww, hope you’re ok. Did you get my text? Do you wanna get coffee later and talk? Seriously, we’ve all been through this.

For New Years – my friend Patrick is having a party at his apartment. We can all just stop by — it’s in Park Slope. Should be really fun and laid back. Cards of Humanity, anyone! :)

Just let me know who’s in, so I can give him a headcount!

Can’t wait,

Gracie

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To: Nicole; Allison; Gracie (work); Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen; Ali
From: charlotte.smith857@gmail.com
Date: December 10, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Is Park Slope in Queens??

What if we did like, Meatpacking?

xoxoxox <3 xoxoxox

   c h a r l o t t e

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To: charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Allison; Gracie (work); Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen; Ali
From: Nicole
Date: December 11, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Hi Girlies!!

I’ve sort of been overextending myself with the Christmas presents this year. Been hitting Gilt pretty hard BUT I am saving upwards of 10% versus the retail price so that’s good! But one of my resolutions was to live 1.5 times within my means. So I think Gracie’s friends party sounds perfect!!!

But at the same time meatpacking sounds SOOOO fun!! How many times are we gonna celebrate 2014 you know? Maybe I can qualify for a microloan?? Can Americans qualify too??

I’m so torn. It’s so hard to know how we should bring in 1/1 when we won’t know what Susan Miller says till 1/1 anyway. #AhhhIt’sSoHardIDon’tKnowWhatToDo #ButILoveMyBBs

Anyway, down for whatevs!

xo Nicole

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To: charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Allison; Gracie (work); Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen; Nicole
From: Ali
Date: December 12, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Aw, while I am nursing a wounded heart, it is so sweet how much you guys need me and want me to take control!!

OK, I’m thinking super low-key and I can’t even LOOK at guys now but, it’s NYE and OF COURSE we’ll want to bring it in with a midnight kiss and possible #OverThePantsHJs!

How about:

Macklemore at Dream Downtown (high chance for a Linds Lohan sighting — but do we really wanna open ourselves up to all that drama??)

Lounge at Tao Downtown??

Soho House?? Ehh, pretty Real Housewifey BUT we’ll be the youngest ones there??

Gracie’s Brooklyn option (Ubers will be like $1k to get back to civilization, but if you guys REALLY want to meet like graphic designers and bloggers, sadface but OK)

LMK by COB!

xoXinfinity,

Ali

“Well, when you sail on a boat fit for a bond villain, sometimes you need to play the part, right?” – Jordan Belfort, Wolf of Wall Street

“Thou shall leave history in the past” – Patti Stanger, Millionaire Matchmaker

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To: charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Allison; Gracie (work); Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Ali; Nicole
From: Jen
Date: December 13, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

I vote for Manhattan cause will be more fun and glamorous!! Plus it’s such a pain to get home. Let’s take Ubers then complain on twitter about the surge pricing and I’m sure they’ll refund us! Uber will not want our bad press–collectively we can leverage over 750+ social media impressions!

Possible hashtags:

#2013CANSUCKIT

#2014BetchesLOL

xx Jen!

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To: charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Allison; Jen; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Ali; Nicole
From: Gracie (work)
Date: December 13, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Hey all,

I think I may sit this New Year’s Eve out. There’s an 11:30pm-12:30am yoga class that I think might be fun, and then my sister is still in town from Christmas so I may meet her at a quiet bar uptown for a quick glass of champagne after.

Hope you all have fun!

Gracie

Ps – not sure the Uber plan will work, just looking out for you guys! it can get $$$.

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To: charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Allison; Jen; Caitlin; Ashley; Gracie (work); Morgan L.; Ali; Nicole
From: Katie
Date: December 14, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Gracie + Ladies,

Okay time for a Gracievention!

GIRL – didn’t you ever read your Susan Miller for the month? Mine was like “remember, how you spend New Year’s Eve is how you spend the REST OF THE FOLLOWING YEAR” so don’t you want to dance on tables instead of breathing your intentions?

I am all about the FELL (focus/energy/love(and)/light) but on New Year’s Eve I’m all about the al-al-al-al-al-alcohol.

That being said, I am sure some of us would love to go to yoga with you on New Year’s Day. I can’t make it because I have a brunch with work people but I wish I could!!

Okay – back to planning.

Gracie, does your sister have a hotel room she’s staying at??? Can we use it for a cute pre-game?????

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo & hearts.

k . a . t . i . e

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To: charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Allison; Jen; Caitlin; Ashley; Gracie (work); Katie; Ali; Nicole
From: Morgan
Date: December 14, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Ladies,

I scored invites for us all to a huge soiree at some tech founder’s Soho loft!!!! #You’reWelcome #2014WOOOOOOT  #PeopleJustInviteMePlaces #SoFresh

Some deets!

I’m thinking mandatory sparkles! (I DON’T want to see bandage dresses!)

Photo Booth Pictures — should we do the Charlie’s Angels pose or SHOULD WE DO THE CHARLIE’S ANGELS POSE??! LOL!!!!

I know tech guys are kinda weak sauce, but maybe we’ll hang out with Winklevii types!!! Should we google what bitcoin is?? Does anyone know? Remember: anything VC is GOOD, anything back-end is BAD!

Gracie, you’re coming beb!! Just don’t wear jeans LOL!

YAYCANTWAITSOEXCITED

Morgan

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To: charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Allison; Jen; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan; Katie; Ali; Nicole
From: Gracie (work)
Date: December 14, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Ha! You girls are persistent! Everythings really crazy with the holidays right now, I’ll let you know when I’m back from visiting home! Let me know if anyone wants to go sledding in the park!

Gracie

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To: charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Allison; Jen; Caitlin; Ashley; Gracie (work); Katie; Ali; Nicole

From: Morgan

Date: December 31, 2013

Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Hey!!! Just found out there isn’t enough room for all of you at this tech party!!! :((((((  I have to still go but I’m sure you can find somewhere else!! It’s only 9p, so nothings even started yet!! Sorry girls sooooo sad we can’t all be together!!!!!!

Brunch tomorrow??!

Morgan!

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To: charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Allison; Jen; Caitlin; Ashley; Gracie (work); Katie; Ali; Morgan
From: Nicole
Date: December 31, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

WTF??! Just got this email when I got off the train!! Seriously??!!!

Welp, Plan B: Brother Jimmy’s!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR I LOVE YOU GIRLS SO MUCH!!!!!!

MWAH,

Nicole

ps – maybe we’ll meet boys tonight for Valentine’s Day!!

 —-
To: charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Allison; Jen; Caitlin; Ashley; Gracie (work); Nicole; Ali; Morgan
From: Katie
Date: January 1, 2014
Subject: What happened?

Ladies, hello.

I went to New Year’s Day Yoga this morning and let me tell you, my intentions are strong, my breath, volatile, my chakra….is lined up. I have all of my thoughts lined up.

They are as follows:

Ali – Last night was really fun, and we missed you. Sorry that the party you invited us to was exclusive and we weren’t able to join you.

Nicole – I want to say what the hell? Honestly like I get it when Ali does stuff like that but I really expected more from you. This is a new year and I have a feeling we’re starting it off with a lot of tension. So can you please explain what your thought process was when you ditched the rest of us for Ali?

Girls feel free to chime in with a reply all. I am so sick of sitting on the bleachers while the rest of the world is out on the field.

I’m taking stock of my life.

Kind Regards,

Katie

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To: charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Allison; Jen; Caitlin; Ashley; Gracie (work); Katie; Ali; Morgan
From: Nicole
Date: January 1, 2014
Subject: What happened?

The earth has completed its cycle around the sun.

It is a new day, for having fun.

A new year.

And I am seeing it all so clear.

~a haiku written by moi!

Hey Katie,

I feel calm and centered and extremely resolution driven and positive. I did not “ditch” you for “Ali.” Ali snapped me and her party looked way more fun than our night at Brother Jimmy’s so I went to meet her. I tried to ask if you wanted to come with but you were hooking up with one of the Josh’s so I just left.

I’m feeling really positive and I think I’m still on E.

If you’re still upset, then let’s deal with this directly on facebook message.

xx Nicole

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To: charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Allison; Jen; Caitlin; Ashley; Gracie (work); Katie; Nicole; Morgan
From: Ali
Date: January 1, 2014
Subject: What happened?

First email of 2014! Wooooot!

How was everyone’s night?? Happy New Year LOLOL! I can’t believe how cray last night got it was so REDIC. How was Bro J’s?? I’m sooOOOoooo jealous!!!

God January is just like so unrelenting already. Does anyone have extra Xanax or Cialis or anything?

Gracie – are you ok??!!!???!!!! Haven’t heard from you at all. The holidays can be really tough. Did you even go out last night?? I know you went to Wesleyan where there’s no football teams and everyone plays frisbee but there’s a concept called RALLYING we used to do in college. I’m really worried about you. Please write back.

Happy New Year!!!! <3

Ali

“I’ll be the one you won’t forget” – Pitbull + Ke$ha

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To: charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Allison; Jen; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Katie; Nicole; Morgan
From: Gracie (work)
Date: January 6, 2014
Subject: What happened?

Hey everyone!

Happy 2014!

So I wanted to let you know I think you guys are great. You’ve been nothing but kind and inviting and inclusive to me, and I am so, so, so appreciative of this. It’s always hard moving to a new city where you don’t know a ton of people so I really am touched that you guys have always gone out of your way to send me email invites to hang outs.

But I am starting to get the feeling that it’s a little…like high school in a way. I mean think about it. We’re all grown ups with jobs and responsibilities! But sometimes it feels like we’re 16 again, arguing over parties, and guys, and who’s being mean to who and why.

It’s a little overwhelming for me. For context, I used to be regarded as the mean girl in HS, but it was exhausting. For the last 10 years I’ve tried to rework my behavior to make sure I never regress back to the kinds of things I did in HS (try to boss people around, make everything about me, treat having a boyfriend like it was a competition I had to win). I totally understand you guys are close, and have been for years. I know I’m the newbie so it makes sense that you’re all more comfortable projecting your frustrations out on each other with limited fear of fall-out. But for me, I personally don’t know if this group is a good fit. And on the other side, I’m probably not the best fit for you guys either! I am a homebody at heart, lol! We’re all different, and that’s what makes us interesting. Not everyone was meant to be your best friend, ya know? I didn’t want you guys to think I was insulting you if I stopped coming to parties or responding to emails. I just wanted to be honest (definitely one of MY 2014 things!).

I hope everyone is having a great start to 2014, and I hope you all make up soon! You guys are too close to let something silly like a party come between you.

All best :)

Grace

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To: charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Allison; Jen; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Nicole; Morgan
From: Ali
Date: January 7, 2014
Subject: What happened?

Wow. I can’t say I’m surprised.

Grace is a traitor. She moved here and we LITERALLY breathed life into her…We brought her places, introduced her to people, and tried to help her. I feel like she was the Tai to our Cher.

You know I love you girls like my sisters/ interns I take under my wing. I just can’t believe how CRAZY Grace is being. I mean, right?? I feel bad for her. Some girls just can’t be friends with other women.

Anyway, our 2014 is going to be the best yet!!! I will rise like a phoenix from these ashes of disappointment and live my best life like Oprah says. I feel more mature than ever and really excited about life.

K, I’m gonna upload pics where Gracie looks really bad and tag her in them!!!

S-THAT-D for V-day #GirlsNight babes!!!

xoxoxo,

Ali

“I just wish you would get it that this is not ok behavior for a friend.” – Lena Dunham, Girls

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Caroline Moss is the deputy editor of culture at Tech Insider. She's also written for the New York Times and Cosmopolitan. She's tweeted over 100,000 times. Michelle Markowitz is a comedy writer, storyteller, and bachelorette party apologist in New York. She can be found subtweeting Cory Booker @michmarkowitz.

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