The Most Upsetting Questions In The World, In Order

door“Do you have a minute?”

“Do you have a minute to talk?”

“Do you have a minute to talk later?”

“Hey, do you have a minute to talk later?”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Do you mind if I ask you a question?”

“Hey, can I ask you a quick question?”

“Can I ask you your advice on something?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Why do you think that is?”

“Can you tell me a little bit about yourself?”

“I have to tell you something.” (Not technically a question.)

“Will you be around this afternoon?”

“Can you come into my office for a minute?”

“Can you come by my office for a few minutes?”

“Can you come by later?”

“can you come by later”

“How well would you say you know ____?”

“What makes you say that?”

“Oh, do you think so?”

“What do you think is the problem?”

“Do you notice anything wrong with this?”

“Can you explain what you were thinking when this happened?”

“Can we talk about this?”

“Can we talk?”

No, I don’t, I can’t, I would rather blow myself up with a hand grenade than come by your office later, I’ll come by but only if you can promise me I’m not in trouble, can you at least tell me what kind of trouble I’m in so I don’t have to guess, how many minutes is a few minutes, why wouldn’t you end this email with a smiley face to put me at ease so I don’t think I’m in trouble, am I in trouble, are you sure, I don’t know what I was thinking obviously I wasn’t thinking at all, I don’t see what’s wrong, I don’t know who that is I never heard of him, I thought it was fine but obviously I’m wrong, just tell me what it is now, tell me, tell me what I did wrong because I’ll never guess, not in a thousand years with a thousand guessing machines, never ask me anything, no we can’t, please just leave me alone to die.

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