Previously in the Ronbledore saga: This guy on an old Harry Potter forum says Dumbledore is a time-traveling Ron Weasley and I want to hear him out.
Fans of the Harry Potter series were stunned this weekend after author JK Rowling finally admitted her regret in pairing Ron and Hermione together, implicitly lending her support to the “Ron is a time-traveling Dumbledore” theory that has resulted in the death and denial of so many. While some claim it is too little, too late — particularly those who fought in the Ronbledore front lines with no assistance for years — it must be seen as a remarkable victory for supporters of truth.
(Lest we forget: “‘4. Foreshadowing. Ron makes it very clear on several occasions that he hates the color maroon. Could it be because he will eventually be ‘marooned’ in time?’ YES.”)
From The Sunday Times (TIMES??!?! THAT NAME IS NO COINCIDENCE):
“I wrote the Hermione/Ron relationship as a form of wish fulfillment [because I wished that Ron could be a normal human man instead of Dumbledore, trapped in time],” she says. “That’s how it was conceived, really [much as Ron was conceived as a Child of Time]. For reasons that have very little to do with literature [but a great deal to do with the Benghazi time-traveling Illuminati — This Ronbledore rabbit hole goes so deep. Benghazi time-traveling Illuminati doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface. Everyone is involved in the cover-up. If you don’t think you’re a part of the cover-up, you’re already in too deep] and far more to do with me clinging to the plot as I first imagined it, Hermione ended up with Ron [until he disappeared from mortal eyes in the Weasley Quickening].”
“I know, I’m sorry,” she continued, “I can hear the rage and fury it might cause some fans, but if I’m absolutely honest, distance has given me perspective on that. It was a choice I made for very personal reasons, not for reasons of credibility. Am I breaking people’s hearts by saying this [this being that Ron Weasley is a time-traveling Albus Dumbledore and for this reason could never have truly loved Hermione in the way she needed to be loved]? I hope not.”
I have said this before and I will say it again: I will never be intimidated into silence about Ronbledore. Wake up, sheeple. The evidence is already all there in the books. Did Cedric Diggory know too much about Ronbledore? Why is “Cho Chang” an anagram for “Weasley Time Prison”? Why does Parvati Patil keep referring to Ron as “Headmaster Time-Child” during the Yule Ball before she dissolves into a disembodied ball of gas? We’re through the looking glass, here.
“But Ron Weasley is attracted to women,” I hear you say, “while Dumbledore is gay. How can you square that circle?” For the last time: time travel reverses your sexual orientation. This is why there are so many pure bisexuals on Torchwood. And I hear your follow-up question, you mewling hordes who demand to be spoon-fed the truth: “What about Hermione? She used the Time-Turner to take extra classes; did that turn her gay, too?” Yes. Hermione was super-mega gay every afternoon for exactly two hours, but she was too busy taking notes to ever do anything about it. Hermione has a very strict schedule. She plans on becoming a late-in-life lesbian at the age of exactly 53, and not a minute sooner.
Ginny Weasley never existed. You cannot time-travel without creating a shadow double or “flesh anchor.” The same is true of Viktor Krum; this is why no one but Hermione is ever seen interacting with him or even mentioning his name, and so much of book 4 is devoted to secret late-night conversations between Ron and Harry, who are deeply worried about how much Hermione is talking to herself in the library. There was only ever one Mad-Eye Moody. Neville Longbottom was a sentient memory created by Ronbledore after the real Lily Potter died. Merlin lived backwards in time, does T.H. White have to spell Ronbledore out for you?
Others will try to smear and discredit me. This is how you will know I am telling you the truth about Ronbledore.
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.