After last week’s startling announcement about Ron and Hermione’s relationship, J.K. Rowling surprised the world again today by releasing, in full, “The Ron Weasley Diaries,” which narrate the Harry Potter series through the eyes of his best friend. The Toast has been authorized to excerpt these diaries in part below.

Dear Diary,

My name is Ron Weasley and I have one friend. I think friends are better than brothers. I don’t think brothers are very good at all. I am eleven years old and I have never had guacomole even though I would like to. Today we are starting school and I still don’t know what math is.

 

Dear Diary,

Sometimes it’s hard to believe that all animals aren’t just old men in disguise. Mom got a cat over the holidays and she won’t understand why I won’t let it in the bedroom. I’m sure it’s just a cat. I’m mostly sure it’s just a cat.

 

Dear Diary,

Why do you think there’s a wizard train but no wizard planes? I asked Mom but she just yelled something about a witch named Margaret Thatcher who murdered all the unionists and then started crying into her apron.

I should like to fly on a wizard plane.

 

Dear Diary,

Today I learned that England has a queen. Her name is lizzie (Sp?) and she makes dogs. Still no one will tell me what math is.

P.S. Now I have two friends ;)

 

Dear Diary,

Today I met a girl from France. Guess what? They don’t speak any English there, mostly just French all the time. Can you believe it. Well believe it, because it’s true, unless they were lying. I wonder if they think in French too. That seems awfully difficult, but maybe it’s easier to think in French if you’ve had a lot of practice.

I think I’d like to have sex someday.

 

Dear Diary,

I have finally tried gaucamole!!! It wasn’t very good though. Mostly it is a green mash that you dip tortillas in. It was very cold and it went all brown after a few minutes.

I don’t think I like guacamale.

 

Dear Diary,

Today we take to the woods, Harry and Hermione and I. We can’t tell anyone. I don’t know if we’re going to come back. So many people want us dead.

I don’t want to die. I’ve never even seen a movie. Seventeen years old and I’ve never seen a movie and I still don’t know what math is. Hermione says it’s called maths, but that doesn’t explain much. I don’t even know how many maths there are. Well diary, if I don’t die I will write back as soon as I find out what maths are.

Ron Weasley never wrote in this journal again.