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Home: The Toast

Most recently in this series of unspeakable torments: New Year’s Fallout.

To: Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: January 24, 2014
Subject: LOVE IS IN THE AIR LADIES

Hey, Ladies!

Okay so Valentine’s day is right around the corner and as we all know, usually I am TGFHOWMGACHH (totally game for hanging out with my girls and cursing Hallmark holidays) but I am afraid I may be on FEMALE HIATUS for the first time IN MY LIFE this Valentine’s day and that is because….I have met….an amazing man.

Okay remember when I told you all about the guy from Tinder who was like an “analyst” (boring) but also like he knew three of my camp friends so we had mutuals and both voted for Obama according to our similar interests? Not him.

THIS GUY is, okay. Apologies to anyone who I may have already told this to (Katie, Charlotte, Morgan, Ash (??) (Ash did I tell you??), but his name is TYLER and he’s literally amazing and I didn’t even meet him on Tinder!

I met him on OkCupid and he’s 6’2 (minimal height I allow), a Scorpio (most sexual sign) and loves dogs, his family, his friends and his job (he’s a teacher! I’m dead). Honestly he is amazing. We went on our first date last night to the Mermaid Inn which I feel like, is a definite sign that he’s into me because you know what they say about oysters…

But date one at the end of Jan is SUPER RISKY as V-day approaches quickly and it’s like, do I initiate the talk? I know it seems soon but I read in Cosmo that guys are more likely to lock a woman down in the winter (something about snuggling and no outdoor seating at bars for day drinking), and I just….when you know you know…in a way.

ANYWAY, LADIES, PLEASE ADVISE..

xoxoxxox
N I C O L E

I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.” ― Nora Ephron, When Harry Met Sally

To: Nicole; Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ali; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Ashley
Date: January 24, 2014
Subject: LOVE IS IN THE AIR LADIES

no you didn’t tell me but wait tyler who???????????????????????????????? does he bartend on the UWS ever?????????????????????????????????????(jw)

Ash

To: Ashley; Nicole; Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Ali
Date: January 24, 2014
Subject: LOVE IS IN THE AIR LADIES

Hey Ladies!!

OMG Nicole this is so exciting!!! He sounds amazing! We must strategize this! As everyone knows, Mike & I broke up, and I LOVE that you know how confident I am and over it and how I’m so drama-free and like a nurturing Earth Mother type so I can talk about these things and be 100% excited for you and not at all jealous!

Ok, dating less than a month before Valentine’s Day is the best ever cause it makes everything get serious really quickly and puts pressure on the dude to be forthcoming about his feelings.

First off, what’s Tyler’s last name?? Are his parents still married? If he’s a teacher, does that mean he has roommates? Are you sad he’s a teacher? Do you think it’s cause he likes being around high school girls? What happened with his last relationship? Have you searched for him on one of those sex offender apps? I usually do that on dates when the guy is in the bathroom, just to make sure we’re on the up and up. I mean how cray would that be if Chris Hansen came barging in to the Mermaid Inn on one of your dates lol.

My friend at Bank of America can totally run a credit/background check on him, which I think we should do sooner rather than later!

Def make him bring up V-Day first!!!!! But drop a ton of hints about it!!! Guys love hints and are usually great at picking up on them!!

So are we doing a girls night for V-Day or not? I might have a boyf by then, but I’m so not THAT GIRL where I’d ditch, so LMK by COB!

Tell me everything.

xoxo,
Ali

“I’m hopeful I’ll find love.” – Juan Pablo, The Bachelor
“Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep. You had my heart inside of your hand” – Adele

To: Ali; Ashley; Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: January 25, 2014
Subject: LOVE IS IN THE AIR LADIES

Ladiesssssahhhhhfodigjsko,

Ali, thanks so much. I know this is probably a really hard time for you because of your seasonal depression/breakup/everyone else finding someone and then you have to kind of feel like you’re lonely and will end up alone but you definitely won’t!! YOU WON’T. Your hair is too amazing for you not to find love (seriously)….lyl.

OKAY SO LET’S REALLY GET DOWN TO BIZ:

I’ve bolded your questions and then answered them so everyone can read along easily!!!!! Morgy are you still with us????

First off, what’s Tyler’s last name?? NEED TO FIND THIS OUT

Are his parents still married? Yes this is always the first question I asked after the Phil fiasco of 2011.

If he’s a teacher, does that mean he has roommates? Just 2!!!!

Are you sad he’s a teacher? no i think it’s cute >>> i beLiEVe tHAT CHiLDREN aRe OuR FuTuRe RIP WHIT <<<<<<

To: Nicole; Ali; Ashley; Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Jen
From: Morgan
Date: January 26, 2014
Subject: LOVE IS IN THE AIR LADIES

I totes do NOT think at all that you should feel depressed about his roommate situation!!!

It’s like, NEW YORK!!! Everyone has a roommate until they’re 40. Like, look at Bethany Frankel!

Has he mentioned v-day plans yet?? does anyone want to go to Fly Barre tomorrow??? I have a Groupon.

To: Ali; Ashley; Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: January 26, 2014
Subject: LOVE IS IN THE AIR LADIES

wait who said i was depressed???

you guys should i just move on from this guy?? is 2 roommates two too many???? ugh this is how i know i’m a carrie.

xoxoxoxoxoxo N I C O L E

To: Ashley; Nicole; Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Ali
Date: January 26, 2014
Subject: LOVE IS IN THE AIR LADIES

Hi Ladies!!

Ok let’s do a deep dive! I think Tyler sounds great, except for his job and living situation but you can totally change those things. With Mike, I thought his best friend was a total douche so I just flirted with him a ton and Mike got so weirded out I never had to see him at things. Guys will change for the right girl!!

When’s your second date? What are his friends like? Does he want to have a Groundhog’s Day party and invite us all? Or are all his friends teachers too no offense lol. I think it’s DEFINITELY time to drop V-Day hints. Your first holiday will set the tone for the entire relationship.

Have you dropped hints for what you want for a present?? You guys are so new as a couple but I would aim for the Tiffanys/Agent Provocateur/flowers at work trifecta. Do you think he’ll say I love you at V-Day?? Is his phone password protected??

I’d show him you’re laid back yet down while still retaining mystery while also seeming low-maintenance in terms of hangs yet high-maintenance in terms of emotions and trust yet commanding respect but in a fun sort of way.

THIS IS SO EXCITING AHHHHHHH

Also, what’s our cut-off for older dudes to date?

Loves!
Ali

Money can’t buy you class
Elegance is learned my friends
Elegance is learned oh yeah
– Countess Luann

To: Nicole; Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ali; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Ashley
Date: January 28, 2014
Subject: LOVE IS IN THE AIR LADIES

I pulled an all-nighter last night (excel is such a fucking betch) and now I scheduled an emergency 911 therapy because my life is falling apart.

sorry i cant deal with this can you guys take me off the chain.

i need inbox 0 this isn’t helping

ash

To: Ali; Ashley; Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: January 28, 2014
Subject: LOVE IS IN THE AIR LADIES

This is really typical of you Ash. I answered ALL of your snapchats when your Tinder date made you go to BUSHWICK.

I think you’ll see your email’s language differently after a few hours of sleep. I can forgive you but really lol, that was rude.

xoxoxooxo N I C O L E


To: Ali; Ashley; Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: January 28, 2014
Subject: LOVE IS IN THE AIR LADIES

CAN WE PLEASE RETURN TO TALKING ABOUT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

nicole

To: Ali; Ashley; Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Katie
Date: January 28, 2014
Subject: LOVE IS IN THE AIR LADIES

Is anyone watching Scandal? Kerry Washington has the cutest power suits it makes me want to listen to the Lean In book on tape.

Katie

To: Ali; Ashley; Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: January 28, 2014
Subject: LOVE IS IN THE AIR LADIES

Hi ladies,

Sorry for being the wicked bitch of the west village but I cannot address anything right now. LOVE IS MAKING ME BLIND!

Okay, Ali, just read your email but keeping everyone else looped in.

Here’s the thing about the living situation: I don’t really care. I know you think I should but I think it’s fine. Here are some reasons why: In GIRLS, everyone is dating someone with baggage. Like Ray is homeless (season 2) and Shosh still loves him. So the way I see it is, so what if Tyler is just a teacher and also lives with other people. Like, it’s fine for right now. Like, we’re in a recession. My parent’s just took me off the family plan and now I have to cut back on my Ubers so like I get it. You make sacrifices when you’re this in love.

Our second date is currently set for tonight. He wants to cook for me which is so cute! He mentioned pasta and I didn’t want to come off as high maintenance so I didn’t tell him about my aversion to white carbs which, again, sacrifices! I am really excited to see himmmmm…do you guys maybe wanna join us or do a drink beforehand? I’m not sure what his roommates do but I will def ask and I think it would be totally fine if you guys came over for dinner tonight too. I’ll just text him. I think it’s so cute when couples host things together

So here’s another issue: last night we were texting and I asked him a question and then he replied but I didn’t answer because I know it’s good to leave them hanging like mid-convo so they’re always like, in a constant state of missing you, but now I don’t know how to like, keep the convo going or should I wait til he texts me or should I like just say heyyy or send an emoji? Or should I gchat him????? Or should I tweet him? Is it too soon to add his sister on Facebook??

He has a blackberry so NOT password protected!! Pretty into that.

Also totally unrelated (in a way) but did you know there’s a website where you can literally CREATE your own wedding invites and you can personalize them right there on the screen? I’ve been getting really into blogs lately and that’s where I heard about it so I’ll keep you posted on any stuff (currently making a Pinterest board centered around center part up-dos! cute!)

In terms of cut off for older dudes I’d say like…if they were older than a soph in HS the year we were born that may be too old????

Looking forward to everyone’s individual input here!!! Sorry I am so crazy! It’s true what they say about the L word! (Love!)

To: Ali; Ashley; Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: January 28, 2014
Subject: LOVE IS IN THE AIR LADIES

Guys I know gchat is down but email isn’t, please email me back ASAP!

I am having second thoughts????

NICOLE

To: Ali; Ashley; Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: January 28, 2014
Subject: LOVE IS IN THE AIR LADIES

nvm i am totally fine omg idk when i became such a nut!

forget the last email (but answer the one right before it)

nicole

To: Ali; Ashley; Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: January 28, 2014
Subject: LOVE IS IN THE AIR LADIES

no i am definitely having second thoughts now please email back!! you guys! Morg i know you don’t do anything at work…

nicole

To: Ali; Ashley; Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Nicole.; Jen
From: Morgan
Date: January 29, 2014
Subject: LOVE IS IN THE AIR LADIES

Hi Ladies!!!!

Sorry for not replying sooner!!! I was getting a mani during lunch and was reading all of these but couldn’t type back and lol not to be racist but the manicurist was so bad at typing when I tried to dictate my response back!!!!

OK I think you should go for it!!!! Your date sounds amaze!! Pasta is so cute and staying in is the cutest. If you sleep over borrow his favorite hoodie so he has to see you again!!!!!

This sounds sooo romantic! and mature!! What time should we stop by??

To: Ashley; Nicole; Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Ali
Date: January 29, 2014
Subject: LOVE IS IN THE AIR LADIES

Hi Ladies!

Aw, Morgan! You are the cutest.

Ok, I’ve been giving this a lot of thought, and I just don’t know. I mean, if we’re to have an HONEST relationship, I just need to say everything I’m thinking. I just don’t have a great feeling about this.

Red flags:

Staying in with pasta? Everyone knows when a guy is smitten for you he takes you for tapas. Industry standard.

It’s weird you haven’t met his friends yet.

I saw his facebook and he’s ok. I just think you can do better. Like I personally would friendzone him, but maybe he’s sweet?

Just looking out for you. LMK if you wanna hash all this out in a google hangout and do a deep dive.

Loves!
Ali
“I could lie, coudn’t I, could lie” – One Republic

To: Ali; Ashley; Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: January 29, 2014
Subject: LOVE IS IN THE AIR LADIES

Okay Ladies,

I am taking Ali’s advice and I’m just never returning his texts again. Ali’s right, he’s a teacher, he isn’t rich, I don’t think he played Lax in HS (I have a thing for lax boys!), and he has roommates.

It’s also like, regardless of how nice someone is, it doesn’t mean you’re supposed to marry them, and it’s also like, I KNOW MYSELF, and if I was totally into him I would have been planning our wedding in my head. And I just wasn’t. I couldn’t even come up with a first dance song.

Not meant to be.

I mean maybe we could have had fun and it could have blossomed but at the same time, I’m 28 and I don’t want to go on dates with guys who I don’t see myself spending the rest of my life with and who also don’t make upwards of 250k with annual bonuses. It doesn’t fit the future I’ve mapped out on my dream vision board both on Pinterest and in real life.

I mean maybe it would have been a good 3-6 month relationship tops but I just couldn’t even imagine what dress I’d wear or where the wedding would be and if it would be small or big and I don’t even know how big his family is!!

So what I’m saying is what’s the point!!!

Thank you so much Ali for knocking some sense into me.

Should we just do a girls night for v-day?

xo

n i c o l e

To: Ashley; Nicole; Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Ali
Date: January 29, 2014
Subject: LOVE IS IN THE AIR LADIES

Hi Ladies!

Aw, Nicole. I think you 100% did the right thing. Plus, it’s SO hard being the one in the group of friends with a boyfriend. It was different when I was with Mike, because I am so not THAT GIRL who ditches when she’s with a dude. But I could just see you giving up your whole life to be with him, and I just think you’re not emotionally ready for that.

I mean you always talk about taking Yoga Booty Ballet classes and maybe reading more, and I just don’t want you to give up your dreams yet! I just felt like you were being really Khloe about this, and I wanted you to be more empowered like Kim. I’m just a super independent person, and I think I can be a source o strength and role model right now.

I mean hos before bros right LOL! Plus, now we can do a GIRLS NIGHT FOR VALENTINES!!!!!

<3,
Ali!

“Never had much faith in love or miracles” – Bruno Mars
“This is me leaning in.” – Sheryl Sandberg

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Caroline Moss is the deputy editor of culture at Tech Insider. She's also written for the New York Times and Cosmopolitan. She's tweeted over 100,000 times. Michelle Markowitz is a comedy writer, storyteller, and bachelorette party apologist in New York. She can be found subtweeting Cory Booker @michmarkowitz.

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