Sulagna’s last predictions for the future involved the Olympics.
This year, movies nominated for Oscars include stories about slavery, conmen, excess, nuns, outer space, and Siri. It’s always a pleasant surprise when movies that were nominated for Oscars include such rare things as people who weren’t straight, white, or men, or even all three (unlike most of the Oscar voters.) Alfonso Cuarón may be the first Latin American director to win Best Director this Sunday. Based on his speech at the Golden Globes, his speech at the Oscars will likely be incredibly charming.
While everyone now is predicting the Oscar wins of this weekend, I’m wondering how the institution itself will be challenged by and changed in the future. Here are some of my predictions:
Will Smith will win for his moving portrayal of President Obama, the first time a black actor has won a Best Actor Oscar for playing the president of the United States.
A heist film with an all female cast will be nominated for 11 awards, including all of the Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress nominations. Whoever wins in each category, the other actresses are extremely and genuinely happy for them.
The best picture will be a movie about a heartfelt sports story set during an outer space war and you will actually really like it. It will be the first time director McG – whose past films include Charlie’s Angels and This Means War – wins an Oscar, but you’ll actually really, really like it. Seriously, you should see it.
Benedict Cumberbatch is nominated for an Oscar for his amazing performance as a socially awkward dragon that falls in love with a human and must sacrifice himself by falling into a pit of lava to save said human. Tumblr hosts several events around the country campaigning for his win, but he loses to Leonardo DiCaprio, who is then shunned from the social networking site.
A queer woman of color (Dee Rees? Dee Rees!) will win Best Director, and it won’t be the first time a queer woman of color wins Best Director, but it will be the first time no will mention it.
An older woman wins an award for Best Actress and is presented with several appealing, well paid, and interesting scripts for her to play, that vary between scientist and mobster and blogger. She shoots to super stardom, and people recognize her regularly.
Everyone comes wearing slouchy pants and tennis shoes and loungewear, and the red carpet is really fuzzy so everyone walks barefoot (special gold pedicures are all the rage). Instead of chairs, there are comfy lounge chairs. Everyone, including the host, falls asleep in the first hour, and the rest of the recording just focuses on people’s faces as they dream.
A movie about a protagonist that doesn’t learn anything, with no car chases or love stories or twins or happiness, wins Best Screenplay.
The host is not a well-known comedian, but a politician running for President that year. He speaks about the politics of each film and whether or not he agrees with each one, and which ones he think will win.
For the first time ever, an actual robot wins Best Actress. She gives a charming, funny speech, which should’ve been our first warning.
After the robots take over, several movies come out highlighting various stories about robots overcoming the oppression of humanity. They give a special tribute to the Sunbeam toaster, the type of Toaster in “The Brave Little Toaster.”
After the robots rust over from programming themselves with the ability to tear up with emotion, humans take back power. The Oscars beget a huge betting ceremony where the winning ballot is rumored to lead to wondrous riches beyond compare, and the chance to choose Best Picture, but no one ever wins, and people believe no one ever will.
Until someone finally does win: Kelsey Neverbeen, not through understanding of all the politics and work behind awards such as sound editing or composition, but in a pique of that boredom that comes when you’re waiting for a dentist’s appointment and you might as well try. He is taken into the ruthless politics and fearsome competition inherent in the Oscars and tries to escape the clutches of Hollywood but when his choice for Best Picture is announced, he’s captured, dipped in a gold lake, put into a coma, and turned into an Oscar himself, the ones you see on stage as decoration.
Kelsey is released after the “Oscar Revolution” and the ceremony consists of him telling stories of all the nefarious gossip he heard during the past ceremony, like how the ghost of Meryl Streep will never be put to rest until she’s satisfied with her number of Oscars – and she will never be satisfied.
The Best Picture goes to The Ballad of Kelsey Neverbeen, the first time a movie about the Oscars wins an Oscar. As a result of this ouroboros situation, a wormhole appears in the middle of the ceremony.
Oscars? What are the Oscars?
Sulagna Misra writes about the weird things that pop into her head when she's not paying attention. She's on Twitter so she can not pay attention more effectively.