Previously: Dirtbag Hamlet. 

MILO: fuck everything
everything fucking sucks
“FOR MILO, WHO HAS PLENTY OF TIME”
MILO: the fuck is this
“ONE GENUINE TURNPIKE TOLLBOOTH”
“EASILY ASSEMBLED AT HOME, AND FOR USE BY THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER TRAVELED IN LANDS BEYOND”
MILO: more like a fuckin toolbooth

TOCK: I am a guard against wasted time!
We must leave the Doldrums at once!
MILO: oh im a guard too
you must go fuck yourself at once

KING AZAZ: You must rescue the Princesses of Rhyme and Reason
MILO: no i mustnt
KING AZAZ: Please, my dear boy!
Without these sisters, our kingdom will decay into chaos
MILO: sisters eh
nice

KING AZAZ: in this box are all the words i know
guard them well
MILO: oh for sure i will
thanks
(Milo throws the box out of the car window)
MILO: ‘guard this well’
guard it yourself

HUMBUG: BALDERDASH I SAY
ABSOLUTE POPPYCOCK MY DEAR BOY
NOW HERE’S WHAT YOU MUST DO
MILO: dont fucking touch me you creep

WHETHER MAN: I’m the Whether Man!
Not the Weather Man!
After all, it’s more important to know whether there will be weather
than what the weather will be!
MILO: hey ive got an idea
why dont you come with me
(MILO opens the passenger door)
(THE WHETHER MAN puts one foot on the running board)
(MILO drives away)
MILO: asshole

ALEC BING: In my family, we start up and grow down!
MILO: that right
(MILO steals ALEC’s shoes and leaps into the car)
ALEC BING: Wait a minute! Those are mine! Come back here!
MILO: grow after me if you want em back so bad
touch the ground much

MATHEMAGICIAN: Welcome to Digitopolis!
Can I interest you in subtraction soup?
Or perhaps some multiplication mackerels!
MILO: what can you tell me about those hot sisters
theyre in a cage somewhere or something
MATHEMAGICIAN: The Dodecahedron has twelve sides!
What wonderful things will you learn in the kingdom of math?
MILO: fuck you im not going to learn anything
and twelve sucks

THE SOUNDKEEPER: and this is where I store all of the sounds in the valley
so we can enjoy this wonderful silence
MILO: whats this button here for
THE SOUNDKEEPER: oh, that’s the ‘ESCAPE’ button, don’t press —
(MILO presses the button; an incomprehensible cacophony follows)
(THE SOUNDKEEPER sobs helplessly on the floor)
TOWNSPEOPLE: Milo you saved us
MILO (lights a cigarette): i didn’t do it for you

THE TERRIBLE TRIVIUM: hey
MILO: hey
THE TERRIBLE TRIVIUM: you know what fuckin sucks
MILO: what
THE TERRIBLE TRIVIUM: doin stuff
MILO: right on
right on