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Home: The Toast

DIRTBAG SHAKESPEARE imagines modern remakes of Shakespearean plays with a teenage dirtbag cast. The rest is pretty self-explanatory. Previously: Dirtbag Hamlet.

(TYBALT is using BENVOLIO’S own hands to smack him in the face)
TYBALT: stop hitting yourself
stop hitting yourself
(BENVOLIO manages to retract all but his middle fingers)
TYBALT: hey
fuck you man
that’s not cool

RetJ1

ROMEO throws himself facedown on BENVOLIO’S bed
BENVOLIO: what’s the matter
ROMEO: you wouldn’t understand
BENVOLIO: then get off my bed
ROMEO (muffled): no

RetJ2

ROMEO: I WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN
BENVOLIO: do you want to go out
would that make you feel better
ROMEO: NO
god
you never understand anything
BENVOLIO: ok sorry
ROMEO: wait
lets go out though

RetJ3

LADY CAPULET: juliet the party already started
get dressed and come downstairs
JULIET (smoking): youre a fascist
i dont go downstairs with fascists
LADY CAPULET: would it kill you to put on something nice
and be polite for five minutes
JULIET (smoking two cigarettes): yes

RetJ4

MERCUTIO: what if fairies
had midwives
ROMEO: lol what
MERCUTIO: what if she taught people how to have sex
ROMEO: what

RetJ5

ROMEO: hi
JULIET: hi
i dont even want to be here
i fucking hate my parents
ROMEO: that’s cool
JULIET: do you want to get out of here
(ROMEO climbs behind Juliet on her Vespa)
ROMEO [OS]: sick

RetJ6

JULIET: we should get married
ROMEO: okay
JULIET: thatll show em
ROMEO: when
JULIET: i dont give a shit
like right now
ROMEO: hell yeah

RetJ7 (in bed)
ROMEO: I wish I were a bird
JULIET: do you want to have sex again
ROMEO: yes
ROMEO: wait how old are you even
JULIET: how old are you
ROMEO: fair enough

RetJ8

LADY CAPULET: so what do you think of Paris
He really seems to like you
JULIET: WHY DON’T YOU JUST FUCKING MURDER ME ALREADY
YOU FASCIST

JULIET: help me sneak out tonight
im gettin married
then im gettin laid
NURSE (stubs out cigarette): fuckin HELL YEAH

RetJ9

(ROMEO and JULIET stand outside a church)
ROMEO: I want to get married
FRIAR LAURENCE: Who is this
ROMEO: who is who
FRIAR LAURENCE: where is rosaline
ROMEO: who the fuck is rosaline

RetJ10

(MERCUTIO is dying)
MERCUTIO: fuck
this is so fucking gay dude
ROMEO: fuck this
MERCUTIO: this is so fucking gay
(He dies)

RetJ11

NURSE: why don’t you just marry Paris too
JULIET: what
NURSE: two for the price of one
you could nail em both
double patty on a single bun
JULIET: what

RetJ12

JULIET: wheres tybalt
ROMEO: who
JULIET: my cousin tybalt
ROMEO (hides bloody sword): who fuckin cares
he was a fascist anyway
let’s run away
JULIET: okay
where
ROMEO: wherever you want

RetJ13

JULIET: do you know what I think would be super romantic
ROMEO: what
JULIET: if we drank poison together
ROMEO: yeah
okay yeah
JULIET: hell yeah
you go first babe

RetJ14

Artwork by Rob VonRamm.

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