DIRTBAG SHAKESPEARE imagines modern remakes of Shakespearean plays with a teenage dirtbag cast. The rest is pretty self-explanatory. Previously: Dirtbag Hamlet.
(TYBALT is using BENVOLIO’S own hands to smack him in the face)
TYBALT: stop hitting yourself
stop hitting yourself
(BENVOLIO manages to retract all but his middle fingers)
TYBALT: hey
fuck you man
that’s not cool
ROMEO throws himself facedown on BENVOLIO’S bed
BENVOLIO: what’s the matter
ROMEO: you wouldn’t understand
BENVOLIO: then get off my bed
ROMEO (muffled): no
ROMEO: I WILL NEVER LOVE AGAIN
BENVOLIO: do you want to go out
would that make you feel better
ROMEO: NO
god
you never understand anything
BENVOLIO: ok sorry
ROMEO: wait
lets go out though
LADY CAPULET: juliet the party already started
get dressed and come downstairs
JULIET (smoking): youre a fascist
i dont go downstairs with fascists
LADY CAPULET: would it kill you to put on something nice
and be polite for five minutes
JULIET (smoking two cigarettes): yes
MERCUTIO: what if fairies
had midwives
ROMEO: lol what
MERCUTIO: what if she taught people how to have sex
ROMEO: what
ROMEO: hi
JULIET: hi
i dont even want to be here
i fucking hate my parents
ROMEO: that’s cool
JULIET: do you want to get out of here
(ROMEO climbs behind Juliet on her Vespa)
ROMEO [OS]: sick
JULIET: we should get married
ROMEO: okay
JULIET: thatll show em
ROMEO: when
JULIET: i dont give a shit
like right now
ROMEO: hell yeah
(in bed)
ROMEO: I wish I were a bird
JULIET: do you want to have sex again
ROMEO: yes
ROMEO: wait how old are you even
JULIET: how old are you
ROMEO: fair enough
LADY CAPULET: so what do you think of Paris
He really seems to like you
JULIET: WHY DON’T YOU JUST FUCKING MURDER ME ALREADY
YOU FASCIST
JULIET: help me sneak out tonight
im gettin married
then im gettin laid
NURSE (stubs out cigarette): fuckin HELL YEAH
(ROMEO and JULIET stand outside a church)
ROMEO: I want to get married
FRIAR LAURENCE: Who is this
ROMEO: who is who
FRIAR LAURENCE: where is rosaline
ROMEO: who the fuck is rosaline
(MERCUTIO is dying)
MERCUTIO: fuck
this is so fucking gay dude
ROMEO: fuck this
MERCUTIO: this is so fucking gay
(He dies)
NURSE: why don’t you just marry Paris too
JULIET: what
NURSE: two for the price of one
you could nail em both
double patty on a single bun
JULIET: what
JULIET: wheres tybalt
ROMEO: who
JULIET: my cousin tybalt
ROMEO (hides bloody sword): who fuckin cares
he was a fascist anyway
let’s run away
JULIET: okay
where
ROMEO: wherever you want
JULIET: do you know what I think would be super romantic
ROMEO: what
JULIET: if we drank poison together
ROMEO: yeah
okay yeah
JULIET: hell yeah
you go first babe
Artwork by Rob VonRamm.
Tags: artwork, dirtbag shakespeare, rob vonramm, romeo and juliet, teenage dirtbags
Where do we sign the petition to get this taught in schools along with actual Romeo and Juliet, which I felt led to a lot of unnecessary sighing and wistfulness in my Grade 9 English class? For allegedly smart 14-year-olds, we didn’t seem to grasp that these kids were also 14 years old and not that bright. (I didn’t grasp that until university.)
“Would it kill you to put on something nice?” “YES MOM IT WOULD GOD”
SECONDED. This really captures the teenage dirtbagness that IS R&J. Two teenagers hook up precisely because their parents don’t want them to, then run off together, then freak out because they can’t be together, then go full-on drama nonsense and kill themselves. Doesn’t get dirtbaggier than that.
To be honest, I probably would have been much more into Romeo and Juliet if I had known that they were teenage dirtbags.
Oh my God, yes!
THIRDED. I feel like it’s a part of a reader’s growing process to grossly misunderstand something and to be fervently and obstinately vocal about it for a while, though. The question is, who gets past that and who gets stuck (good example of stuck: John Green’s continuing worship of ‘Catcher in the Rye’ despite the fact he is well in his thirties).
Ugh John Green. I cannot with him anymore.
Right? I used to like him, but then I saw too many of his videos and saw him defend Cassandra Clare one too many times and now I’m just like *hands in the air* NO TOUCHY
Mostly it makes me sad that he’s just kind of growing into yet another white male author with way too much credit given for the same amount of work and insight as anyone else in his field might have. There’s nothing The Fault in our Stars did that Lurlene McDaniel’s 70+ books did before it (or Jodi Picoult’s, or anyone else’s) except get a movie deal, really, but whatever. Hey. He got the movie deal. The book was fine, really, but it just kind of bums me out that it’s lauded the way it is when countless women have written very similar books before him.
Also the Catcher in the Rye thing just makes my teeth grind.
We are as one on this.
His books are fine, really, but that’s about all they are. The disproportionate attention and love they get irritates the eff out of me.
Can we agree that Phoebe is the best thing about Catcher in the Rye? Screw Holden, I wish we knew more about Phoebe’s life…and Hazle Wethersfield.
Can we do this for Pride and Prejudice too – so much context/nuance lost in high school
dirtbag pride and prejudice!!
“double patty on a single bun”
seriously crying at this.
Me, too! Also loving the panel (Juliet’s expression is perfect).
I wasn’t sure about the artwork (no Matt Lubchansky?) until I saw the rendition of the Nurse in the “double patty on a single bun” panel. Now I am 100% sure about the artwork: it’s amazing.
I felt the same until the dying “gehhhhhh.” Inspired.
yes that was also a perfect artistic choice.
I went back for a second look at that panel and just realized that Nurse is sitting on the can, holding a piece of toilet paper, which is totally amazing.
Nurse is 1000% Pam Poovey.
Best rom-com ever.
WELCOME TO THE CANON, DIRTBAGS OF LITERATURE
I always felt the Nurse was the best character, and now I know why.
Nurse on the toilet *dies of proximity to perfection*
Remember in the Bible when God turns his back on Moses because if Moses sees God’s face Moses will explode or something? God’s face is that panel of the Nurse on a toilet talking about double patties on a single bun.
*retweet*
I don’t even know how to comment on this it’s too great
So, Nurse in this is essentially Pam from Archer, no?
and juliet is april ludgate
I would watch the shit out of that adaptation.
HAH! Yes, totally!
Best adaptation of source material or best adaptation of source material?
My spouse has spent like weeks preparing a lecture on Hamlet (which means I got to watch a lot of David Tennant as dirtbag Hamlet, so: yay) so that one was particularly close to my heart, but this… this lives in my heart.
Vespa!
poor benvolio
Hey he lives! And probably grows out of his dirtbaggyness. Maybe he marries Rosaline and has a bunch of kids and uses all his stupid dumb childhood friends as object lessons about Why You Can’t Have A Sword Yet.
“…And that’s why you always leave a note. (With someone more competent than Friar Lawrence.)”
When I was taught that Romeo and Juliet was written as a comedy, I thought NO WAY. But now I SEE
It’s DEFINITELY a comedy for parents.
Somehow the artwork excluding pupils from their eyes just makes their teenage dirtbaggery even more pronounced, like maybe their eyes were glazed over from how dirtbaggy they had become.
This makes me wish I smoked just so I could punctuate my conversations with stubbing out cigarettes.
Fuckin HELL YEAH
ME TOO SO BAD.
“Mama, we go to playground?”
*stubs out cigarette* “Fuckin HELL YEAH.”
I would die so bad if I saw this in person.
(also as someone quitting/social smoking, I have never done this but NOW IS THE TIME.)
“It’s raining out, can you walk the dog?”
*stubs out cigarette* Fucking HELL YEAH.”
I may have to start carrying around cigarettes just for this reason.
I will continue to point out that teaching (regular) R&J to teenagers is a goddamned travesty and should be a crime. This, however, can do much to ameliorate the damage already done.
TRUTH. They’re so impressionable at that age. Dirtbag R&J or nothing.
I think you can teach Romeo and Juliet to teenagers if you focus on the fact that their actions were rash and dangerous and forced by a lot of parental pressure (to hate each other with no explanation, to get married, etc.) rather than romanticizing it.
I was thinking of my teen dirtbag experiences just the other day! They involved much use of the word “gaywad.”
Also some preteen skateboarding dirtbags called me and my friend lesbians while we were sitting outside a coffee shop in Brentwood having a conversation. Okay, kids.
Juliet’s “November Rain” wedding dress MAKES this!
Sorry, cannot buy Juliet being a dirtbag until AFTER she meets Romeo. (She is a Dutiful Daughter up until then.)
Plus then you could have had a panel where she rips off her Good Girl clothes to reveal her hidden Dirtbag clothes.
I’ve always wanted to know what happens to Rosaline.
SOMEONE: Hey, Rosaline, I heard Romeo has been fucking around with some Capulet slut. Heard they got married or something. Some kind of Vegas deal.
ROSALINE: Whatev. Romeo is gay. [She gets on her motorcycle and speeds off, smoking five cigarettes] [She is seen years later working at a surf shop in Miami]
“Dodged a fuckin bullet.”
Also, in this version the Nurse is CLEARLY an Australian.
“Fahkin HELL YEAH”
Thanks a lot, Mallory. Now I’m having an argument with myself about whether Romeo or Hamlet is the bigger dirtbag.
This is not a question. Romeo is an adolescent; he at least has some semblance of an excuse. Hamlet is 30 god-damn years old. AND STILL ACTING LIKE THAT.
Two households, both alike in dirtbaggery.
In that shithole Verona, where we lay our scene
From ancient grudge or whatever break forth to new mutiny
Where total gayitude makes civil hands unclean
Okay, seriously, you guys are killing it today. KILLING IT!
CRYING. BRILLIANT. *hands over Internet*
“From ancient grudge or whatever”
<3 perfect
“total gayitude makes civil hands unclean” slow clap.
PERFECTION. The first three! The Nurse! So fucking gay (gehhhhh)! I am in awe.
Ha, I was just randomly bopping around the “No fear Shakespeare” site, including Romeo and Juliet, and this just psychically perfect.
Also, this is an actual amazon review of the No Fear Shakespeare R & J
“I teach special needs 9th graders, and I thought this would be a great modified version of the original to help my students “get” Shakespeare, especially since other teachers use it to teach Romeo and Juliet. Oh my! I didn’t expect such literal and crude translations! I know Shakespeare can be raunchy anyway, but some of the translation was in no way appropriate for school. I had to drop the play after Act 1 due to student request as they were “embarrassed” and “uncomfortable” reading it. Such a bummer since I don’t think they can handle the original text. But wow! Even I didn’t expect some of the crude, sexual language used in translation, and I am very liberal with what I use in my class.”
….has she ever READ R&J? Is she a nun who also grew up in a convent? Like, really?
Tybalt would wear a shirt with a giant T on it. Classic dirtbag.
Forget Mallory’s version, Tybalt was a dirtbag in the original.
Right? I used to like him, but then I saw too many of his videos and saw him defend Cassandra Clare one too many times and now I'm just like *hands in the air* NO TOUCHY
Mostly it makes me sad that he's just kind of growing into yet another white male author with way too much credit given for the same amount of work and insight as anyone else in his field might have. There's nothing The Fault in our Stars did that Lurlene McDaniel's 70+ books did before it (or Jodi Picoult's, or anyone else's) except get a movie deal, really, but whatever. Hey. He got the movie deal. The book was fine, really, but it just kind of bums me out that it's lauded the way it is when countless women have written very similar books before him.
Also the Catcher in the Rye thing just makes my teeth grind.
Can we agree that Phoebe is the best thing about Catcher in the Rye? Screw Holden, I wish we knew more about Phoebe's life…and Hazle Wethersfield.
Forget Mallory's version, Tybalt was a dirtbag in the original.
Isn’t all Romeo and Juliet essentially Teen Dirtbag Romeo and Juliet?
As a teen my friends and I would recite scenes of R&J to each other and laugh HYSTERICALLY at the ridiculousness of it all.
I say this as a girl who got engaged at 16, and then got pregnant shortly after. Because “he was my true love!” (Clearly, the engagement is over, although the child still is pretty alright.)
Nurse is 1000% Pam Poovey.