The B&B is real, this particular FAQ is not.
1. Which of you came up with the motto “Where everyone is treated like family”? Do you have a Tumblr? Could we get coffee?
2. I see that all rooms have wi-fi, which I appreciate. This is not a question.
3. You can rent the entire house for “family gatherings, wedding parties, corporate outings” for $1500 a night. Who has done this?
4. The murder occurred in 1892, which was 122 years ago. Do you think it’s too soon to be contemplating an ironic Lizzie Borden B&B sleepover? I think it probably is, I mean, this is a murder-house, and Abbie and Andrew Borden were real people. Like, it would be horrifying if someone turned, say, Ted Bundy’s house into a Bundy-themed B&B, but things must become appropriate at some point. Has that point been reached? Do you wonder about it? Obviously, you’ve decided just to embrace the kitsch factor and go for it, and there’s nothing more American than the concept of a Lizzie Borden B&B, I’m not questioning that choice, everyone is dead, it doesn’t really matter. If I were gruesomely murdered, I think I would get a kick out of my death site being eventually turned into a themed B&B with ghost cams. I don’t know. I’m going to think more about it before making a reservation. Do people ever back out of reservations because they decide it’s in poor taste?
5. Please rank these guest rooms in order of their haunted-ness:
a) Lizzie Borden Room
b) Emma Borden Room
c) John V. Morse Room
d) Andrew Borden Room
e) Abby Borden Room
f) Bridget Sullivan Room
g) Andrew Jennings Room
h) Hosea Knowlton Room
6. You appear to do a re-enactment of the murders every year on August 4th, and a prospective guest posted a comment hoping that her honeymoon could correspond with said event. Is…is that common?
7. Congratulations on the safe return of Max, the house cat who had been missing for a time. Does he seem changed, in any way? Is he exactly the same cat, or do you think he saw briefly beyond the veil of our human existence?
8. Do people more commonly see the ghost of Lizzie, or of the victims?
7. Did she do it?
8. Your decision to respond to guest inquiries with “what an Ax-cellent question!” does you credit, sir.
9. I see that there is a local medium available for guest seances. Does she have those milky eyes like the medium in The Others? Can one negotiate a different price for her to wear contacts that would give her milky eyes like the medium in The Others?
10. Is there any chance, however slim, that I might go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and find someone looking at me in the mirror?
11. No, really though, is this how we are to live?
Nicole is an Editor of The Toast.