1. Walk into your small one bedroom apartment, and set down your bags.

2. Mistake that faint buzzing for an inevitable sign of aging.

3. Scream and duck for cover when you realize it’s actually a huge, killer wasp that’s now nose-diving towards your head. No. Now is not the time to gloat that your hearing hasn’t failed you yet.

4. Army-crawl out of the living room.

5. Watch the killer wasp flit around your living room in fits of rage. Make sure you do this from the safety of your quasi-hallway, a full six feet away.

6. Call your live-in boyfriend. If he doesn’t pick up, don’t leave a message. There’s no time for messages. Call him at least 6 more times before you decide to break up with him.

7. Freeze. The angry wasp is flying towards you. Let your fear paralyze you.

8. SNAP OUT OF IT, WOMAN!

9. Take out your smart phone. No, you’re not calling your ex-boyfriend again.

10. Google “Hiw to jukk a waso.”

11. Curse your shaky, fat fingers!

12. Google “How to kill a wasp.”

13. Quickly skim a thread on “Best way to KILL WASPS indoors!!!!!?????” and make a mental note that five exclamation points and five question marks do not, in fact, do your predicament justice.

14. Find a feasible, contact-less strategy to immobilize the monster wasp: hairspray. BRILLIANT.

15. Grab hairspray from the bathroom and take off the cap.

16. Army-crawl back into the living room, armed with your hairspray, locked and loaded.

17. Squeal as the wasp takes another nose-dive towards your head.

18. Don’t shoot the hairspray, and let your fear paralyze you yet again, you pathetic asshat.

19. Throw open every single door in your apartment (two).

20. Retreat back to the relative safety of your hallway, ya big wuss.

21. Telepathically will the wasp to make an escape.

22. Congratulations. You telepathically will it to make itself at home on your ceiling, instead, moron.

23. The wasp doesn’t budge. That tricky little fucker thinks it can wait you out, doesn’t it? Well, little does it know, you once stood in line for almost three hours in thirty-degree weather to see a room full of Christmas lights for forty-five seconds. Show that wasp what’s up.

24. Wait.

25. Wait some more.

26. Crouch in your quasi-hallway with both doors still wide open. Keep your eyes on the wasp, your senses alert. Provide fodder for neighborly gossip.

27. Oh, NOW your ex-boyfriend calls you back. Look down to quickly silence your phone. You don’t want to anger the killer wasp anymore than it already is.

28. Look back up. You mustn’t lose track of your enemy’s location.

29. You lose track of your enemy’s location.

30. The wasp is nowhere to be seen. You are officially useless.

31. Cautiously close the doors. Go about the rest of your day. Get back together with your ex. Get ready for bed because, you tell yourself, he must have flown out one of the doors when you weren’t looking.

32. Sleep with one eye open for the rest of your life.