DIRTBAG SHAKESPEARE imagines modern remakes of Shakespearean plays with a teenage dirtbag cast. The rest is pretty self-explanatory. Most recently: Dirtbag Romeo & Juliet.
THREE WITCHES appear on the heath.
WITCH #1: have you ever killed a pig
WITCH #2: do you want to be king
MACBETH: king of what
WITCH #3: king of jerking off
“king of what”
MACBETH: do you think I would make a good king
LADY MACBETH skateboards across the hall
LADY MACBETH: king of jerking off maybe
MACBETH is sleeping. LADY MACBETH pops a BMX wheelie over their bed.
LADY MACBETH: you should kill duncan
LADY MACBETH: or i could do it
LADY MACBETH: its fine ill do it
LADY MACBETH wheelies offstage.
MACBETH: arent you going to wash your hands
LADY MACBETH: lol what
MACBETH: youre covered in blood
LADY MACBETH: lets make out
LADY MACBETH: it’ll be metal as hell
MACBETH: i don’t know
LADY MACBETH: god it’s like being married to my fucking grandmother
MACBETH is sleeping. LADY MACBETH straddles his body and kisses him while smearing blood across his face.
MACBETH: WHAT THE FUCK
LADY MACBETH: i wanted to make out
now were even
MACBETH: EVEN FOR WHAT
LADY MACBETH: you know who else we should kill
LADY MACBETH: that one guy
MACBETH: feel like we’ve already killed a lot of my friends
LADY MACBETH: then we could throw a PARTY
and make out
BANQUO’S GHOST appears.
MACBETH: don’t do that
don’t look at me
don’t fucking do that
don’t be an asshole
BANQUO’S GHOST does not move.
MACBETH: fucking asshole
SEYTON: your wife is dead
SEYTON: your wife
MACBETH: yeah well
she probably would have died tomorrow
MACBETH: or whenever
i mean we’re all going to die someday
so it doesn’t really matter
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.