INT. MOVIE STUDIO. DAY. An EAGER YOUNG MAN is pitching his idea to A BUNCH OF SUITS.
YOUNG MAN [Nervously]: So I know biblical epics with fantastical elements are back in a big way right now, and I was thinking of a Moses adaptation–
SUIT #1: Like the Ten Commandments. Love it. Young Heston. Bringing the rifles down from the mountain, yelling at the Statue of Liberty. “I am the Lord your God, you shall keep your hands off me, you damn dirty apes.” I can see it already.
YOUNG MAN: Where he’s a dark-skinned man with an African wife. Which is, um, actually true to the text–
SUIT #2: Can I just stop you and say that I love where you’re going with this, but I’m thinking more of a Chris Pine for this part?
SUIT #3: And what if Chris Pine can fly?
SUIT #2: EXACTLY. And everything he touches turns to gold.
SUIT #1: Can I just interrupt for a second? Is anyone doing Noah right now? What about the dark-skinned Moses movie, but it’s about Noah and we get a Russell Crowe type?
SUIT #3: Love it.
SUIT #2: Love it. And one of the kids from Harry Potter. And someone who looks like a young Christian Slater, but isn’t.
SUIT #1: “White Noah.” I love it. Let’s make it happen.
EXT. DAY. The downpour is just beginning. WHITE NOAH stands in front of a BOAT (think Patek Phillipe ads) surrounded by his family.
NOAH’S WIFE [shouting to be heard over the deluge]: BUT WHITE NOAH
HOW ON EARTH ARE WE GOING TO SURVIVE THIS FLOOD
WHITE NOAH: IT’S GOING TO BE OKAY
I TOOK SAILING LESSONS AT THE YACHT CLUB
EXT. DAY. Shoot of THE ARK floating on top of a drowned world.
WHITE NOAH [O/S]: OH MY GOD
WHERE ARE MY SPERRYS
EXT. DAY. The FLOODWATERS have begun to recede, revealing a land absolutely littered with water-logged corpses. The only survivors in the entire world are WHITE NOAH, his wife, his three sons and their wives. The full realization of what has happened finally strikes WHITE NOAH.
WHITE NOAH: oh my god
who are we going to keep out of the Yacht Club now
WHITE NOAH: wait a minute
WAIT A MINUTE
if all of us are white
then being white is meaningless
if everybody is white we might as well have nobody be white
[he falls to his knees]
HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO US WHITE GOD
INT. ARK. NIGHT. WHITE NOAH has gathered his family members around him. They look grim, and also Caucasian. The normal kind, you know, the real far North kind of white. Nobody with curly hair or anything. You know what I mean.
WHITE NOAH: Listen. I know we’ve already been through a lot together, and that I’ve already asked you to sacrifice a great deal for this journey. And I also know that right now we need to come together and rebuild humanity, but we absolutely cannot all be white on New Earth.
[He pulls out a fistful of straws] Everybody take one.
The family members look horrified.
HERMIONE: Daddy, I get to stay white, don’t I?
WHITE NOAH: Of course you do, precious.
MRS. NOAH: What about me?
WHITE NOAH [grimly]: We’ll see.
WHITE NOAH: Anyone who draws one of the long straws gets to stay white. The medium ones are —
FADE TO BLACK
EXT. DAY. They have left the ark at last, but WHITE NOAH’S family proves resistant to the idea of relinquishing their whiteness.
WHITE NOAH [sobbing]: That tree…that tree over there, it looks Jewish. She can’t join the yacht club or date any of the boys. She will plow our fields for us.
MRS. NOAH: I don’t understand. There’s not even a concept of Semitism yet, much less anti-Semitism.
WHITE NOAH: THAT TREE CAN’T JOIN THE YACHT CLUB
EXT. DAY. WHITE NOAH is alone in the desert.
WHITE NOAH: WELL SOMEBODY’S GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE UP BEING WHITE AT LEAST FOR A LITTLE WHILE AND IT SURE AS HELL ISN’T GOING TO BE ME, THE GUY WHO BUILT A YACHT BY HIMSELF GETS TO STAY WHITE
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.