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Home: The Toast

Previously in the Ronbledore saga: J.K. Rowling “regret[s] pairing Ron and Hermione together (because Ron is a time-traveling Dumbledore).”

J.K. Rowling has long attempted to downplay the existence of Ronbledore in early drafts of the Harry Potter books. A recent court order has released these never-before-seen drafts that have only been the stuff of legends. Until now.

“In OotP, Ron is nearly strangled by some purple wizard robes while cleaning up Grimmauld Place. Who do we know wears purple robes?”

“Where were you, Ron?” Harry asked. “We’ve got to finish cleaning up before the rest of the Order get back.”

“I’m not Dumbledore,” Ron said quickly. “I’m Ron. And we’re two different people, living in time normally, from back to front, as is our wizard custom.”

“I know,” said Harry. “I know that.”

Ron pulled the purple robes back over his head. “Just out of curiosity, what year is it and also what name do you typically use when referring to me?”


It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are,” Dumbledore said, “far more than our abilities.” Harry tried to smile, nodded and turned to leave. “Thanks, Headmaster.”

Help me,” came a frightened whisper from behind him. “I’m Ron.”

“What?”

“I said…” Dumbledore hesitated. “I said…” A single tear rolled down his cheek. “I said, ‘I love Tron.’ I love the movie Tron.”

“Right, then,” Harry said, and left the room.

I’m Ron,” Dumbledore whispered after he’d gone.


“It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to travel through time and get trapped as Ronbledore.”


“In the last chapter of PS/SS, Dumbledore tells Harry that he lost his taste for Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans after eating a vomit flavored bean in his youth. There is one problem with this…Bertie Bott was born in 1935. While Dumbledore is over 150 years old, and for him, ‘youth’ is a relative term, he could not have possibly eaten a Bertie Bott Every Flavor Bean until the 1950’s, most likely even later, making him well over a hundred years old. Even in Dumbledore terms this is hardly his ‘youth’.”

Harry stepped into the Chamber of Secrets. There was a message written in blood.

BENGHAZI WIZARDS DID 9/11

“Ronbledore,” Harry gasped.

A voice emerged from the shadows. “Ronbledore is dead,” it said. “There is only Dumbleron.”


“Of course the CIA invented AIDs,” Ron said impatiently. “As a favor for the Trilateral Commission. Also, Hagrid doesn’t actually exist; he’s an advanced computer simulacrum that’s part of a government plan to eradicate native Latvians. But that’s not the point.” His face melted into a clock. “Oh, God. It’s already happening.”


Ron’s face appeared suddenly over Harry’s bed. “You’ve got to help me,” he whispered. “They’re coming. Or going. I’m not sure which. Maybe they’re already here.”

“Is it Azkaban you’re worried about?”

Ron shook his head. “Azkaban was a false flag operation. No, this is the Federal Reserve.”

“I don’t understand,” Harry said. Ron thrust a book with Protocols of the Elders of Gringotts written on the cover into Harry’s hands and hissed, “Read it underwater. Check the Clinton Body Count.” and then he was gone.


“Harry, you’ve got to listen to me,” Hermione pleaded. “We don’t have much time.”

“But I still don’t understand,” Harry said.

“Do I have to spell it out for you? Why is “Quidditch” an anagram for Ron Time Child? Why is Cho Chang an anagram for Weasley Time Prison? Why is Neville Longbottom the temporal opposite of Professor McGongall?”

“Is that why Neville and McGonagall are never in the same room together?”

“They’re always in the same room together. They’re never in the same time together.”

“Oh, my God,” Harry said.

“Then you see,” Hermione said in visible relief. “You see that Ron is Dumbledore.”

“Correction,” Ron said from behind her shoulder. Hermione screamed. “It’s the other way around, I’m afraid. Dumbledore…is me.”


“The only way to save your friend…is to follow him through the Ronble Door.”


“Mysterious thing, time. Powerful, and when meddled with, dangerous. Sirius Black is in the topmost cell of the dark tower. You know the laws, Miss Granger. You must not be seen, and you would do well, I feel, to return before this last chime. If not, the consequences are too ghastly to discuss. If you succeed tonight, more than one innocent life may be spared. Three turns, should do it, I think…Oh, by the way. When in doubt, I find retracing my steps to be a wise place to begin. Good luck.”

I have to go,” Ron said.

“Go turn into Dumbledore, you mean,” Harry said.

Ron turned white. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Hello,” Dumbledore said cheerfully when he walked into the room five seconds later. “Did I miss anything?”


“Hermione, I can’t marry you,” Ron said. “Because I’m –”

“Because you’re a time-traveling Dumbledore,” Hermione said. “I know. I’ve always known.”

[Image via @darth]

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