In a stunning, sublime act of teen dirtbaggery, after an argument with his parents (which we can only pray was about fine ham) this weekend, a San Jose teenager ran away from home by hopping the fence and stowing away in the wheel well of a plane bound for Hawaii.
The FBI is calling it a “miracle” and the airline says a teen who hopped the fence at a San Jose airport is “lucky to have survived” a 5-hour flight to Maui — in the wheel well of a Boeing 767.
The 16-year-old stowaway survived temperatures as low as 80 degrees below zero and the thin air available at 38,000 feet, FBI spokesman Tom Simon said.
“He was unconscious for the lion’s share of the flight,” said Simon. “Kid’s lucky to be alive.”
Security video indicated the teen was able to breach San Jose’s Mineta International Airport security on Sunday and climb undetected into the wheel well of Hawaiian Airlines Flight 45.
“Yeah, I fucking knew it was Easter,” the teen presumably added during his interview. “I don’t care. I’ll run away on Easter. They’re a bunch of fucking fascists.”
“I passed out pretty fast, though, so the ride wasn’t even that big of a deal. People made such a big deal out of it, but whatever,” he almost certainly continued, looking tough as shit. “Wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t lost my Luckies somewhere over Catalina.”
Officials confirmed that the teen reportedly planned to return home by skateboarding across the Pacific.
[Image almost certainly not of the actual teen dirtbag in question]
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.