This post was brought to you by Aparajita Misra.

As we’ve all learned from Tyra Banks, posing is one of life’s biggest challenges. Should you smile with your mouth opened or closed? Where are your hands supposed to go? And what to do with that human head? Yes, sometimes in this life you find yourself having your portrait taken with nature’s most challenging accessory, another human head. Good news! You have options. Now I’m no art historian, but I do know how to read faces. Compiled below are several takes on how you can present yourself should you end up in this situation, which, knowing you, is likely.

Hesitant But Determined

(Judith Beheading Holofernes, Caravaggio)

This is the same look you give the dishwasher after you’ve unloaded the top rack and are deciding whether or not to bother with bottom. But you are grown, you are capable, and you know that the way forward is to finish what you started. Whether removing the heads of your enemies or deciding to shave above the knee, you are a woman who finds deep satisfaction in completing life’s most irritating tasks.

Gleeful

(Fulvia with the Head of Cicero, Pavel Svedomsky)

You’ve won! There’s no shame in lording your superiority over the vanquished; it’s okay to feel okay, dig? Allow yourself to embrace the simple pleasure of giggling at the cold, blank eyes and pin-pierced tongue of He Who Has Wronged You. Besides, what’s the point of having a head around if you can’t get a kick out of it every now and then?

Jocular

(Judith and Holofernes (LXIXr), Nuremberg Chronicle)

There’s no rule that says you can’t turn a human head into a delightful and gory puppet! This is a masterful way of flipping an otherwise standard portrait of a lady displaying the head of a defeated man into a portrait of a funny lady displaying the head of a defeated man. Besides, everyone knows a good sense of humor really makes people seem approachable.

Bored

(Judith with the Head of Holofernes, Lucas Cranach the Elder)

You wonder what Mary’s up to, and if she’d be down for a drink later. After you’re finished here. Where you’ve been all morning. You catch your eyes drifting across the room. “How long do I have to hold this sword?” you ask yourself. Once you’ve seen one head you’ve seen them all, this look seems to say, and it makes no difference whether or not that head is attached to a living body.

Irritated

(Salome with the Head of John the Baptist, Sebastiano Del Piombo)

It suddenly strikes you (not unlike the way a head can be struck from a body): you’ve peaked. No matter what else happens in life, you’re always going to be “the woman who got someone’s head chopped off.” You’ll have to tell the story over and over, pose for paintings over and over, show off the head for company over and over. Does anyone want to hear your thoughts on the best way to sharpen a sword? Or your upcoming vacation to the seaside? No. It’s “Tell us about the head again!” forever.

Feigning Excitement 

(Salome with the Head of John the Baptist, Onorio Marinari)

“Ohhh, look. A head. Check it out. Yep, here it is. I’m parading it around right now. I’m the one in charge of the head. It’s a big responsibility, I’m told. Smile? Sure, okay.”

*weakly pulls mouth into shape*

“Yaaaay.”

Insane

(The Climax, Aubrey Beardsley)

Here you are, floating through the sky, using that head like a balloon lifting you into the heavens. Your whole world’s gone topsy-turvy now that you’ve got that coveted human head, and you’ll be damned if you let things like “gravity” and “dimensions” hold you back any longer. Would it be weird if you kissed the face, like real quick for just one second? No weirder than anything else you’ve decided on here.

 

Apprehensive 

(Salome with the Head of John the Baptist, Caravaggio) 

There’s no getting around it: that is definitely a human head on your platter. Isn’t this what you wanted? The head? Well, here it is toots, hope you’re happy. It’s not every day you get to cart around the bean of a Saint, you know, and all of the second thoughts in the world ain’t gonna change the fact that you gotta be the one to carry it around. No one likes their job, you know. Just steel yourself and get it over with.

Orgasmic/Pre-Sneeze

(Judith I, Gustav Klimt)

Tits out, head back, eyes aflutter. Lopping off the brain-dome of a nemesis is a powerful feeling, but is it aphrodisiac powerful? Two things to consider if you decide on a sexy pose: the smell of a decomposing human head, and the weight of a decomposing human head. Also, your prop is out of frame. We know you’re beautiful, but please try to pay attention.

Alternatively, this might be a look captured right before a sneeze. Make sure to wash your hands before you grab a tissue; you’ve been clutching a human head for quite some time, and it is likely not very sanitary.