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Home: The Toast

TIP #1: It’s impossible to eat too many eggs. Ignore the smell.

TIP #2: “Maybe” means Yes. “I don’t deserve you” means Yes. “How did you get in my house” means “Describe how many sons and dogs we’ll have, then Yes.” “No” means “Imprison my father in a bedlam hospital, then we’ll talk.” Gaston doesn’t understand consent when it comes to weddings and he sure as hell doesn’t understand consent when it comes to voluntary psychiatric commitment.

TIP #3: If three gorgeous blondes are all in love with you, it’s best to ignore them. Keep everyone guessing.

TIP #4: Women only understand one thing: KICKING IN THEIR FRONT DOORS and force-proposing to them.

TIP #5: If she already has a boyfriend, murder him on a turret.

TIP #6: Women do not actually exist. Or maybe they do, but in the way quicksand or thunderstorms exist: only some of the time, and you can’t always see them coming.

TIP #7: Impress her with how many antlers you have in your living room. This will remind her of all the things you have killed.

TIP #8: A little man follows me wherever I go. I cannot shake him. He wears the chain he forged in life! He made it link by link and yard by yard! He gartered it on of his own free will and by his own free will, he wears it! When I die, it will be at his hand, I know it.

TIP #9: Own one shirt. Make it red. Never take it off. It will protect you from witches, and from your own heart.

TIP #10: Sidewalks are for chumps. Jump from roof to roof. Pretend the ground is lava. Pretend that human interaction is lava. Pretend that you’re lava, and that nothing can hurt you.

TIP #11: Never let anything hurt you. Get big. Get bigger than that. Become the size of a barge. What can hurt a barge? Nothing, except for the sea.

If she says “No,” do you still exist?

Have you ever existed?

TIP #12: If you schedule your wedding before you acquire a bride, and something goes wrong with the bride getting there — if she can’t make it or something — you can’t get your deposit back on anything. Not the band, not the minister, not the cake. And if you leave your boots in her house, she won’t let you back in, even just to get them, even if they were your only boots.

You don’t need boots. You don’t need her. You don’t need anything.

Screen Shot 2014-05-06 at 11.34.00 AMTIP #13: The best necktie in the world is a piece of string tied into a bow.

TIP #14: The little man is your shadow. The little man is your ghost. The little man is your brother who died before you were born. The little man is the son you will never have. The little man is yourself when you were small and no one protected you.

TIP #15: If you must marry, find a wife who can read. Ask her to teach you how to write your own name so you can stop signing things with an X. Then hunt her for sport in the woods.

TIP #16: I live in a bar. Did you know that? That bar is my home. “I use antlers in all of my decorating”? That’s my home. I have — I have nowhere else to go.

TIP #17: If you sleep, don’t dream. If you dream, don’t remember. I would give anything not to dream, not to remember. Anything to forget.

TIP #18: The little man is a jabbering hobgoblin. He has been sent by the devil to torment me and prepare me for Hell. I know this. I know this. And yet I cannot repent. I cannot turn from my path. Am I not already damned?

TIP #19: I don’t know what a book is.

TIP #20: SPIRITS! TORMENT ME NO LONGER!

TIP #21: My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison. My body is a prison.

TIP #22: Girls are better in Eastern Europe anyway.

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