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Home: The Toast

“Thanks so much for coming! Tonight was really fun! Drive careful! Be sure to get home safe.”

you go to hell

you’re not the boss of me

i’ll get home however i want

i hope i crash 

“You’ve just got to meet [X.] You remind me so much of one another. You guys will love each other.”

i hate [X]

[X] is nothing like me, i bet

[X] is human garbage and im a masterpiece like a waterfall or a painting of a dragon

how dare you suggest we’re anything alike

when we probably aren’t

[said in an open, conversational, non-judgmental fashion] “Have you read [Book]?”

NO AND I NEVER WILL

[My cat looks at me]

i dont love you at all

“This was pretty good.” 

HOW DARE YOU QUALIFY YOUR PRAISE FOR ME 

YOU ARE AN UNLOVEABLE HACK AND I AM A DIRECT DESCENDENT OF THE SUN 

THE DEEPEST FEARS YOU HAVE ABOUT YOURSELF, THE ONES THAT WAKE YOU IN YOUR BED AT NIGHT CHOKING IN FEAR, ARE TRUER THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD

“I know what you mean.” 

no you don’t

“I don’t care where we go. Anywhere is fine.” 

why do you even exist

“I think I’m in love with you.”

well if you’re not sure then why are you bothering me about it

“Hey, do you have a minute/can I ask you a quick question?” 

NO

“Hey!”

NO

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