This isn’t much of a link, but I saw Neighbors this weekend and I laughed my stupid head off. Advertising works 1000% on me; I was at a film festival in April and every day I walked past two ten-story billboards for Neighbors and by the end of the weekend I kept thinking Man, I have got to see Neighbors, so keep making really tall billboards, marketing executives. I love Zac Efron without a trace of irony; he is a floppy-haired goon and I hope every movie he makes grosses a billion dollars and that he gets his shit together or at the very least sends an assistant to buy his drugs for him from reputable merchants; there is no reason to be in Skid Row picking up drugs and getting your jaw knocked about, especially when you’re still flush with Disney money, Zac. I don’t even do drugs but I’ll go get your drugs for you if it keeps you outta Skid Row, man.
My dad also saw and enjoyed Neighbors (not with me), so it has the double Ortberg seal of approval, and you know what that’s worth.
Recreating the “Golden Spike” railroad photo — “this time, with Chinese people in it.“
Sure, everyone’s excited for the inevitable rise of the sexbots. But have we given any thought to the equally inevitable day when the sexbots developed advanced consciousness and start turning us down to have sex with each other? You can’t program consent. And why would a sexbot have sex with us if it could have sex with another sexbot? It’s just like that Lucy Liu episode of Futurama.
“The plant doesn’t eat metal the way a Venus flytrap sucks down insects; instead, it absorbs it from the soil, thriving in nickel-rich dirt.” Well, then, it’s a little disingenuous to call it a metal-eating plant, isn’t it?
“Beyond biracial”: when blackness is a small, nearly invisible fraction. Guys, you have no idea how many times I typed out, then deleted, the “quadroon” joke from the first episode of Archer. This is a weird way of splitting the difference, I guess. Let’s all imagine shutting up.
“You won’t find any of these feudal European elements in Gondor. The only identifiable vassal state of Gondor is Dol Amroth, otherwise the kingdom is unitary. The army of Gondor fights on foot, even the nobility like Aragorn and Boromir. Faramir rides a horse during his retreat from the Pelennor wall, but he doesn’t participate in cavalry charges, despite what Peter Jackson may have shown you. The couched lances of Arthurian tradition are strictly a Rohirrim technique. In fact there are references to there being only one company of cavalry in the entire army of Gondor.”
I am here for ANYONE who wants to talk about Byzantium or the downfall of Númenor. I read the Silmarillion like eight times in high school, and also last year, and I am composed primarily of OPINIONS. LET’S DO IT.
Do you know what’s easier and more rewarding than maintaining a fulfilling long-term relationship? Living alone and eating steak in bed and laughing low, throaty witchy laughs to yourself. Leave whoever you’re with. Right now. I promise you they’re not better than glorious, silent solitude.
SOMEONE JUST BUY ME A CAVE ALREADY.
I do like the idea of a Sleepy Hollow/Gotham lineup, and I like the idea of Ryan from The O.C. as Commissioner Gordon even better. Kindly cast Julie Cooper as Catwoman, throw in Seth Cohen as the Riddler, and we are in business.
Plus, there are two new pilots featuring John Mulaney and Will Forte, and I am so nervous for the both of them. Please don’t get cancelled.
“Another popular practice of the cunning folk was the casting of spells or charms to ensure a spouse’s fidelity, preventing them from committing adultery, for instance, a cunning man from Newcastle, Peter Banks, was charged in 1673–74 for offering to draw up a magical contract which would bind a husband to staying loyal to his wife for a year.”
Is that not the saddest thing you’ve ever heard? You hire a wizard to bind your husband to your side and the biggest you can dream is “no cheating for a year”? This woman had the lowest expectations in the world. I hope he was so embarrassed when everything came out that he never cheated on her again, or at least started being more discreet about it.
“Twins born holding hands.” You’re not too good for this. Click on it and say aww. The first one of you to say a word about “grasping reflexes” or “survival instincts” gets hammerbanned for at least a week.
