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Home: The Toast

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Past installments can be found here.

Special note: Hey (Ladies)! If you’re in New York, we’ll be doing Hey Ladies: Live! at Housing Works on June 25th. Come! We’ll be giving away prizes and sharing reader stories! It will also be livestreamed as well!

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To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Ali
Date: May 8, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

Hey Ladies!!!!

Happy May!!! (Sorry about that whole Cinco de Drinko fiasco, I swear I thought I knew the doorman LOL)

Ok, this may be the most important email I send all year, so PLEASE RESPOND RIGHT AWAY. We need to figure out our summer weekend plans ASAP!!!! We’re closing in on our mid-twenties and I think this is gonna be the summer we all meet our potential first husbands, so location is EVERYTHING!!! Plus Sex and the City. Let’s take a vote!

#KILLIN’ITSUMMER2K14

Amagansett:

Pros: Talkhouse

Cons: I think Mike’s parents have a place there, and Judy and I aren’t on the best terms, and she knows why

Montauk:

Pros: YES PLEASE. Sloppy Tuna/Milkbar/Surf Lodge, chill bros

Cons: Gwyneth has a place here, and even though she’s a cougar, I feel like we attract the same kinds of dudes, and I don’t want to compete sexually with her

Jersey Shore:

Pros: NONE LOL

Cons: We’ll be in Jersey, just thought I’d throw it out there for Nicole LOL

Martha’s Vineyard/Nantucket:

Pros: Boston boys are SOOOO cute! And might be a nice change of scenery?? Taylor Swift used to summer here when she was dating Conor Kennedy so

Cons: Really far. Would possibly have to relocate for the right LDR

What does everyone think?? I also think it might be dope to just go to Europe (South of France, Ibiza, maybe the Ukraine??) for different weekends during the summer!!

Let me know by COB.

xxAli

“I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I’m prettttttty!” – Kristin Taekman, Real Housewives

“How many times do I have to tell you / Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too” – JOHN LEGEND <3 <3 <3

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To: Ali; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: May 8, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

Hey ladies,

Has anyone ever kickstarted a summer vaca? JW…trying to be savvy with money ;)

XO,

Nicole

To: Ali; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Nicole; Jen
From: Morgan L.
Date: May 8, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

Hey everyone,

As we all know, my aunt Katherine has a summer house in Nantucket that we’d be able to use. It’s part of her husband’s family estate (note to self: Marry an iBanker like Aunty K!) so like, not sure if his side of the family is using it but it’s 7 BR/5 BATH and right on the beach. I’m thinking we should do this??

But like…

We’d need to follow a few rules (which is fine).

HOUSE RULES (as per Katherine):

1. No shoes in the house

2. Outdoor showers after beach only

3. Don’t use the oven to cook any type of meat product, only the grill

4. Don’t spill anything

5. No parties

6. No boys (she’s suppppper Catholic lol)

THOUGHTS????

xo,

morgs

To: Ali; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: May 8, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

omg this sounds amazing!!!! wowowow!

~*NICOLE

–i’m a free bitch baby–(tbt lady gaga)

To: Ali; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Nicole; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: May 8, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

ummm okay we cannot do this.

To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L; Jen
From: Ali
Date: May 9, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

Aw Morgan, your Aunt sounds adorbs! Here’s the thing. Obviously Nantucket is beautiful. I love their shade of pants, and I love their nectars. I’m wondering if your Aunt can be a bit flexible on her “rules.”

I mean I don’t anticipate anything crazy happening, but let’s just say that I juice cleanse my way into some crop tops, look super fierce, and somehow we all end up at a yacht party put on by one of the Patriots! Then I start hitting it off with some dude named Jack or Blake or maybe Aidan, and he wants to go somewhere quiet where he can be vulnerable and open up to me about his fears about his upcoming run for Congress. We get in his Hummer, he puts on Jack Johnson or Mahler or something to get the mood all nice, and just as he’s about to lean in I have to tell him he can’t come over to fall in love with me because of Morgan’s Aunt???

Would your Aunt really be upset? Is there a way to check if she has any nannycams and what her security system is like? Like if there’s cameras, can they be disabled, or what are we working with? No bigs! Just let me know by EOB.

xo Ali

“It’s overwhelming because I love what I do and people have believed in me for so long that I can make it to this point, to feel that.” – Pharrell to Oprah

To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L; Ali
From: Jen
Date: May 10, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

Hi Ladies!

Aw, this sounds so fun! Brad and I will be actually be summering in the family’s ancestral home in Sag Harbor. Ugh, right?? ;)

Would be fun to meet up for tea though if you girls are out East!

Warmest,

Jen

To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Jen; Katie; Morgan L; Ali
From: Ashley
Date: May 10, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

Ali,

I agree with you literally 110% on all fronts and like I know you hate when I do that but like I really do and I’m not just sucking up.

Morgan, your aunt sounds kind of rigid and what she doesn’t know won’t kill her. ALI DESERVES TO FIND LOVE, MORGAN!!!!!!! it’s almost like you don’t want to see her happy. You always were SO JEALOUS of Ali ever since Peter McCarthy kissed her during rush week freshman year even though you were obsessed with him. GET OVER IT. TALK TO YOUR AUNT.

Like I’m sorry but honestly no.

Ash

To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Jen; Katie; Ashley; Ali
From: Morgan L
Date: May 11, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

LOL you are hilarious Ash! That’s so funny about Peter McCarthy. I can’t believe I used to love lax bros. That seems so long ago. I wonder what happened to him? He just liked some girls bikini pic on Instagram, but then he also just liked a photo of a corgi!!! I could message him and find out what he’s doing this summer and if they are going in on a house?? Ali would you be ok seeing a former flame?? You know we went to Benihana once. Pretty ratched. But cute!!

My aunt is really strict. What about Jen and Brad’s incestral home??

<3, Morgies

To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Jen; Katie; Ashley; Morgan L
From: Ali
Date: May 12, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

Hi Ladies!

Sketchy Scott just texted that there’s room in his share!!!!!!

He’ll hold it for us, but we need to let him know ASAP!!!! I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!! Can everyone paypal me $4500 today???  I’m so excited I can’t even work!!!!

<3 Ali!

“If you love me come on get involved // Feel it rushing through you from your head to toe // Oh-Oh-Oh-Ooh-Oh” – Ed Sheeran <3

To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Jen; Katie; Ali; Morgan L
From: Ashley
Date: May 12, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

I THINK THAT IS AN AMAZING IDEA, ALI.

<3 Ash

PS i love ed sheeran!!!!!

To: Nicole; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Jen; Ashley; Ali; Morgan L
From: Katie
Date: May 13, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

I think maybe I am going to sit this trip out, ladies, sorry! So much going on. Morgs I’d love to do like a weekend trip to your aunts if you’re down? Ping me :)

Katie

To: Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Jen; Ashley; Ali; Morgan L
From: Nicole
Date: May 13, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

Ali,

I just paypal’d you $4500 can you confirm that I get my own room with a view of the ocean??? It’s really important I get my own room.

Nicole

PS – will miss you katie!!!! and morgan

To: Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Nicole; Ashley; Ali; Morgan L
From: Jen
Date: May 13, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

Hey Ladies,

Can you take me off this thread?

<3 Jen

To: Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Nicole; Ashley; Ali; Jen
From: Morgan
Date: May 13, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

STOP REPLYING ALL THIS IS SUPER ANNOYING!!!!

<3 Morgs

To: Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Morgan L; Ashley; Ali; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: May 13, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

WHOA MIDOL MOMENT. Ok, I promise not to reply all anymore!

Whats everyone doing tonight??

~Nicole~

To: Katie; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Morgan L; Nicole; Ali; Jen
From: Ashley
Date: May 13, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

LOL did jen actually ask to be taken off the thread??? LIKE OKAY have fun being married and lame.

To: Ashley; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Morgan L; Nicole; Ali; Jen
From: Katie
Date: May 16, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

ASH

Ladies do you think this is our last summer as single women??? like what if we’re all getting married next summer?? (Also, if that’s the case, you’ll all remember my dream is to have a September wedding so lol, I call the month of Sept!!)

– Katie

To: Ashley; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Morgan L; Nicole; Katie; Jen
From: Ali
Date: May 19, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

Hi Ladies!

Wow, Katie. I didn’t hear back from you in time, and already confirmed the summer share in the Hamps. If you REALLY can’t make it, please just paypal me $4500 for your share then. Otherwise, the price goes up for everyone and that’s just not fair.

It will be really fun! We’ll all be sharing a room (LOL Nicole, we’re all on a budget girl!), and the guys in the house seem pretty dope and chill. Should we happy hour beforehand to all meet?? I call dibs on Blackout Brad and Kevin the Crusher as my summer fling, but I think there are lots of cool bros in the house too!

Also everyone PLEASE paypal me the $4500 by today!!! I need it to pay rent!!! I put 25k on my credit card (HELLO miles!) and am freaking out!

Loveeeee,

Ali

“I built you, so stop playing games” – Apollo, Real Housewives

To: Ashley; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Morgan L; Nicole; Ali; Jen; Nicole
From: Katie
Date: May 19, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

Ali,

Call me.

Katie.

To: Ashley; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Morgan L; Katie; Ali; Jen; Nicole
From: Nicole
Date: May 19, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

OMG Katie, yes this is probs our last summer as single girls, cause we’ll probs meet our husbands at Surf Lodge or Sloppy Tuna!!! YOU HAVE TO COME DO ITTT SAY YES

-Nic

To: Ashley; Allison; charlotte.smith857@gmail.com; Caitlin; Morgan L; Katie; Nicole; Jen; Nicole
From: Ali
Date: May 19, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

Anything you want to say to me, you can say in front of everyone.

<3 Ali

“You know the sting of losing, or not getting something you badly want. When that happens, show what you are made of.” – Jill Abramson <3

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Caroline Moss is the deputy editor of culture at Tech Insider. She's also written for the New York Times and Cosmopolitan. She's tweeted over 100,000 times. Michelle Markowitz is a comedy writer, storyteller, and bachelorette party apologist in New York. She can be found subtweeting Cory Booker @michmarkowitz.

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