Home » Humor » Every English Novel Ever Every English Novel Ever Mallory Ortberg on May 28, 2014 in Humor 14948111 Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F2014%2F05%2F28%2Fevery-english-novel-ever%2FEvery+English+Novel+Ever2014-05-28+14%3A00%3A07Mallory+Ortberghttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F%3Fp%3D14948 1. God, We Used To Have Money 2. The Corporal Displayed Unspecified Moral Laxity 3. An Unsuccessful Trip To The Sea-Side 4. A Cold Collation And A Game Of Cards 5. Yes But The Shock Would Kill Her 6. She’s Very Close To Being In Our Class But Isn’t Quite And That’s Terrible 7. The Bishop Frowned 8. The Garden Party Is Cancelled 9. Is Tibby Back Yet? 10. Let’s All Agree Never To Tell Him 11. Let’s Do Go To Italy, I So Long To See Italy 12. That Sort Of Thing Doesn’t Interest Me Much, I Assure You 13. Fraught Seating Arrangements 14. Oh, Honestly Charles 15. No One Goes Motoring After All 16. We Can’t Possibly Have Them Over For Dinner; The Last Time They Were Here We Had Money 17. “I Wish Her Every Happiness” 18. Then The War Came Tags: england, english novels, humor Related PostsI’m Sick And Tired Of All These Hip Young Adults Bringing Their Aging Parents To My Favorite BarsA Mobster Who Really Wants a Pet RabbitIf We Treated Other Life-Cycle Benchmarks The Way We Treated Getting Married And Having KidsThe Wikipedia Entry for Guam, Retold as a YA NovelAfter Twenty Years of Masquerading as a Family of Orthodox Amish, It’s Time We Rob this Place BlindWeddings of the Future About Author by Mallory Ortberg Mallory is an Editor of The Toast. 14948Latest Commentshttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F2014%2F05%2F28%2Fevery-english-novel-ever%2FEvery+English+Novel+Ever2014-05-28+14%3A00%3A07Mallory+Ortberghttp%3A%2F%2Fthe-toast.net%2F%3Fp%3D14948 ArsenioB_Ham We Thought S/He Was Dead, But It Turns Out S/He Wasn't canadienne EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS GRIEVOUSLY ACCURATE AND IT WARMS THE COCKLES OF MY FICKLE HEART. hurdyburdy A Shipwreck Upends a Gentlemen's Prospects A Charming Cad Beguiles an Innocent Lady Stoicism angryporcupine Between this and the Jane Austen post I am going to be bursting into random giggles for days. Fraught Seating Arrangements!! anyriotgirl I noticed that one of the books advertised on the toast was available on kindle from my library, so I decided to borrow it AND IT READS JUST LIKE A MALLORY SATIRE I had to keep checking and reassuring myself that it was a serious effort and not just 300 pages of toast long con. fictitious Which book was it? Inquiring minds! anyriotgirl oh haha I didn't think anyone cared. "The Bone Season" its literally paint by numbers YA dystopia. I would read things, and be like "oh this is definitely going to happen next" and lo and behold it did. EggyInABasket That is perhaps the only book that I have stopped reading. IT WAS SO TERRIBLE! lawrenceevalyn Whenever I feel disappointed in a book from now on, I will just assure myself that it must be a Toast long con, and that eventually Nicole and Mallory will grace me with the punchline. Silver Deer 'The Secret Is He Was Illegitimate' 'Someone Did A Lot Of Crime. Turns Out They Were Foreign.' 'Despair And Totalitarianism And Rain-Washed Streets' GreyEminence The Secret Is His Birth Mother Was Actually Jewish Elsa is Emily 'Someone Did A Lot Of Crime. Turns Out They Were Foreign.' GOODNESS YES. I recently picked up a Josephine Tey mystery because I so enjoyed The Daughter of Time (about a hospital-bound detective turning his attention to Richard III and the princes in the Tower). However, this one — The Man in the Queue — is her first mystery novel, c. 1929, and it hinges on investigatory principles like "the feminine qualities of the Levantine" which would make ONLY A FOREIGNER sneaky enough to think up this crime. Um, nope, no, not, negative, NO. Sean_Sullivan I recommend Brat Farrar for your next go. A Shilling for Candles is enjoyable and nicely arranged (it served as the model for Rowling's recent detective novel), but it never quite achieves escape velocity from the Agatha Christie gravity well. Nausikaa Yes to Brat Farrar. I also quite like The Singing Sands. Although it would be very easy to do one of these lists for Josephine Tey. Signs that you are a sociopath in a Josephine Tey novel : 1. You have light blue eyes. 2.You have dark blue eyes. 3. You are too pretty. 4. You have no wrinkles. 5. You are too pretty, and also you are a horse. 6. You remind someone of someone else. 7. I don't like your voice. runciblecat 6a. In fact, you remind someone of an equally too-pretty horse. In other words, Brat Farrar, always and forever. I like The Franchise Affair, too–especially after I'd read it once and knew the outcome, and could reread it with much less stress. deliciousrecoil Miss Pym Disposes is an all- time favorite of mine, although unfortunately Tey was a known anti-Semite. contrarianbear Someone forward this to Michael Gove stat! canadienne EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS GRIEVOUSLY ACCURATE AND WARMS THE COCKLES OF MY FICKLE HEART. canadienne SO APPARENTLY YELLING IN CAPS IS A THING I DO. AS IS REPEATING MYSELF AND/OR HITTING 'SUBMIT' TOO VIGOROUSLY. Jennifer "And Then She Was Wrongly Institutionalized" "Marrying for Money Was Perhaps a Mistake" "I Never Will Desert Mr. Micawber/Bill Sikes/My Otherwise Awful Spouse/My Worthless Son" "Incredibly Subtle Homosexual Longing" "Comically Obfuscating Situations Could Be Worked Out if Everyone Just Talked to Each Other But We Can't Because We're English" mmejoy Incredibly. Subtle. Homosexual. Longing. ArsenioB_Ham To be fair, that last one describes pretty much all works of fiction, give or take the "comically." Jennifer Not ALL fiction. But a lot, yeah. Heh. laurensherm #notallfiction Jennifer "God, that phrase is never gonna be usable again, is it?" http://youtu.be/TCyZbYFgoRM?t=6s Elsa is Emily I misread the last clause as "But We Can't Because We're Fragile" and nodded in recognition. It's a whole genre of fiction. And of life. Girl Named Jack I would very much enjoy a version of this devoted entirely to British Mystery Novels, please. Rosie_M_Banks I'm Not Fussy, I'm Charming. Tikabelle A Memoir, by Tika mysteriousandsneaky I Can't Believe Someone Got Shot at My Shooting Party Rosie "They Had Lived on the Estate Their Whole Lives, But a Distant Male Relative Would Now Inherit It" ginkgotree cf. Love in a Cold Climate: "And He Was Super Gay" Jaya Unexpected News Jennifer Um, I can't stop. "Probably Nothing Happened, but Her Honour is Now Compromised Forever" "It Could Be A Ghost, Not Sure" "Rich White Male Nostalgia For Times Past"* "Making Bad Decisions Because: Honour!" *Also works for many other genres. Sean_Sullivan "The Vicar Who Is Never Actually Seen Doing His Job" "Our School Days Were Rather Jolly, Despite All the Thrashings" "Phonetic Dialect: The Novel" "700 Years Ago A Norman Lord Entailed His Manor And Lands To A Single Male Heir To Prevent The Dissipation Of His House And Now It's All A Bit Of A Bother" osutein Everytime I read an English novel, I just want to be a vicar in some English country town circa 1887. You never have to do ANYTHING. It's the closest I could come to being an actual hobbit. ginkgotree "Everyone Was in Love with a Curate" "The Dowager's Companion Did Not Know Her Place" testingwithfire "Oh, Honestly Charles" I nearly had an aneurysm. Forwarded article to the whole world. Ialdagorth Don't forget the sequel, "For God's Sake, Bedelia". sneakergaze I Liked the Colin Firth Version Best Intterrobanged Yes, perfect. Dear Toasties, if one has never read Jeeves and Wooster, where should one start? ofTrebond Start with the first one you can get your hands on and continue until you have read all of them. Or you could read them in order, they're numbered and some books do refer back to events in previous ones, but it doesn't really matter. Knowing what is going to happen in no way interferes with enjoyment. apple_pi This, totally. You CAN read them in order, but it's in no way necessary, as no one ever learns from past mistakes or changes in any way, except to fall in love with different (unsuitable) people. J&W are Wonderful and Perfect. NotBob Start everywhere, it doesn't really matter. Pull one off the shelf at random, and then pull the rest off the shelf afterwards. The day my library downsized the Wodehouse collection from four shelves to one was a dark day. Prawns Literally anywhere. The stories are very good no matter where you start. MalloryOrtberg THE INIMITABLE JEEVES meanchelled CODE OF THE WOOSTERS! It's The One With The Cow Creamer. And "The World of Jeeves" is alllllll the short stories in one volume. amholmes711 Is it Jeeves and Wooster you've not read or P G Wodehouse? If the latter, skip the former and go straight to the delightful Psmith trilogy. Rosie_M_Banks "Don't Speak; I Know What You're Thinking*" *Even Though I Am Unable To Look Directly At You For Fear Of Scandal osutein "A subtle suggestion that sexual intercourse may have occurred, and now everything has come undone." Samantha What up, Tess of the D'Urbervilles! There was a lot of "Wait, how is Tess pregnant?" from my class when we read that book freshman year of high school. mindy Clarissa (and really, everything should come undone at that point. Poor Clarissa.) m98widow "Oh, Honestly Charles," also works for the thousands and thousands of pages of X-Men pages of Professor X/Magneto slash being furiously typed as we speak. apple_pi Just say Days of Future Past, and there was no slashy subtext, just BLATANT TEXT. Possibly even UBERTEXT. I spent most of the movie mentally mashing McAvoy and Fassbender together in various ways. m98widow Yup. There is literally no other possible interpretation of their relationship. Nobody goes on a multi-year bender pining for someone who was just a friend. SarcasticFringehead He says he lost the only person he ever loved! Is he talking about Raven? Obviously he is not. leider_hosen RIGHT?! Have you thought about why you're behaving this way, kiddo? Oh honestly, Charles. Samantha Yes. This. Kisatsel Oh, same. The plane scene was everything I ever wanted and more. My favourite part of the movie was how the incredibly dickish aspects of both Charles' and Erik's personalities had become firmly cemented and they clearly wanted nothing more than to spend the entire time being obnoxious and emotional at each other. m98widow Speaking of, at what point does the new timeline diverge from the old? I mean, 1973, obviously, but did X2 still happen? Is John still part of the Brotherhood or did he stay with the X-Men? My Bobby/John shipping feelings, long since buried, have re-emerged. Kisatsel I've actually never got round to watching the earlier movies, which is probably something I need to rectify since I spend so much time thinking about the most recent ones. PleaseInsertPun Short answer is "We don't exactly know, but probably not." The Last Stand clearly didn't happen, but probably neither did the original X-Men or X2, if only because so much of those depend on Mystique being a sociopathic assassin, and it seems she's not that anymore. Probably? Hell, since Wolverine gave Xavier a bunch of names of future X-Men, they probably got a team together earlier than in the original timeline. apple_pi Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. leider_hosen The plane scene! Good lord, a thousand times yes. Also the whole thing, really. There was SO MUCH gazing at each other and then being rude and emotional. Charles cried so much. It was all out of control. I loved every second of it. Kisatsel Was there a single scene in that movie where Charles WASN'T crying? I've given this serious consideration and I'm pretty sure he was welling up at least a little the entire time he was on screen. Though I will have to see it again to make sure. leider_hosen Huh! I hadn't considered that (SOMEHOW), but you're probably right. His eyes were pretty much brimming over with tears for two hours straight. I will have to conduct another study, for science. I will presumably have to conduct an additional study about Erik's understated emotional response to things (by which I mean Charles). msjinxie YESSSSSSSSSSSS gavinbyrnes "Is That The New Servant? He Looks A Bit Dodgy" osutein "It turns out we're all related to each other, and are due to inherit a modest fortune." egrain "He picked up such un-Godly habits in India." Christin That's at least a quarter of the Arthur Conan Doyle canon. meetapossum A Tragedy on the Moors Jen See Giggling like a crazy woman. This made my morning. Don't ever stop. vmartinipie A Proper Cuppa Fixes All, Or At Least Puts a Band-Aid Over It (have found this to be true) Kisatsel So true! Although to be truly English it would have to be a sticking plaster ;) thezlot IS TIBBY BACK YET? SarcasticFringehead His Faithful Retainer Was His Illegitimate Cousin All Along Household_Opera Gothic/supernatural fiction version: She Brought Scandal to the House and Now Her Ghost Makes Things Awkward Probably Better to Just Leave That Manuscript Alone Beware Sketchy Italian Noblemen A Spirit Wants You to be a Better Person logicbutton Personally, I think Wilkie Collins would have enjoyed the Toast. Rosie_M_Banks “My hour for tea is half-past five, and my buttered toast waits for nobody.” ― Wilkie Collins, The Woman in White sock_ferret A Trip To The Seaside, Where It Is Still Rainy But Slightly Ocean-ier An Old Army Friend Is In Trouble I Hear Things Are Different In India How Uncouth To Be Murdered On The Train Brunhildenburg Are you sure this isn't just a list of Morrissey songs? blunderbusst BRB. Writing a concept album using all of these as song titles. Mephyle At last we have talked to each other. Now we are engaged. literaltrousersnake do scottish ones next Whisky and Scandal James You Musn't What Will The Neighbours Think Fife theharpoon I think we also need "Every English Crime Procedural Ever" which could start with: 1. At Least Four People Will Die Before the Murderer is Caught, 2. The Protagonist Will Be Constantly Plagued With Meddling and Incompetent Superiors and Subordinates, 3. It Is Very Sunny in England, Didn't You Know, 4. Everyone in This Village is Having at Least One Affair Nausikaa You want to marry your deceased wife's sister. Depending on the time period, this may be a problem. deliciousrecoil We must never speak of this again! Ruby The Young Lady Lost Her Temper and Will Never Be Married Now A Description of the Countryside Poor People Are Charming but Horrible The City is Filthy Someone Has Laughed and Must Be Ostracized A Rich Person Lacks Good Taste Knitting HariboLector She Married A Rich Drunkard Who Died, And Now She's Going On A Grand Tour Of The Mediterranean catfoodhairnets "Comically Obfuscating Situations Could Be Worked Out if Everyone Just Talked to Each Other But We Can't Because We're English" = Hugh Grant HariboLector But what if they find out about my illegal adjustable golf club!? I'll be ruined. Disclosure; there is an actual episode of Jeeves and Wooster with an adjustable golf club that is later used as the pretext for a staged arrest. True story. Dennis "It's all rather confusing. Everyone appears to have talked to the victim in the ten minutes around when we think the murder took place" "You mean I'm on holiday with a famous private detective? Time to do that murder I always planned" "Wait, the murderer is was look-alike son / brother / bastard all along. If you'd shown me a picture I wouldn't have had to read the last 250 pages" ginthirty Moor Money, Moor Problems …And That's Why I Shan't Go to the River Again Wales Is Rather Odd Whist NP-Complete I Can't Bear For Them To See Us In Such Reduced Circumstances The Most Glittering Season Since the War It Was His Sad Duty to Marry a Rich American headfullofhoney Not Since The Accident Cousin Incest Slightly Soiled Gloves: The Deepest Shame bookwormV I am reading a Cousin Incest right now. Liesa Gonzalez Things Like That Are Not Done in the North MmeSiniichulok Oh my goodness, I'm reading North and South for the millionth time, and that is incredibly apt. akabrinley And we all marry into money even if we marry for love. Maryaed Needs more Trollope. Mary TIBBY! "Is Tibby ill?" "What's the matter? Is Tibby ill?" HariboLector She Is Adamantly Opposed To Ever Marrying; Until She Changes Her Mind Middlebrow We keep our crazy relatives in the attic. Behind the false bookshelf is a passageway into the priest's hiding place. Beware of rural England — it is dripping with highly-sexed men named Seth and Rubin. mizchalmers …and my own favourite genre, in four volumes: Her True Love The Pony Pony Stoicism The Tragedy of the Pony We Used To Have Ponies oskarmatzereth I'm in love with a wealthy widower who is ashamed of the fact he didn't love his wife. javanpellegrin Don't forget all of them that start with Chapter 1: Everyone That Loved Him/Her/Them/It Died. and "The Rich Nice Person Goes Away and Won't Be Back Until The Plot Needs Resolving." Pete Father Was Quite Ill For Ever So Long I Mustn't. I Mustn't! Was It A Wolf In The Fog, Or The Mysterious Boarder? A Long-Delayed Comeuppance Hark! Orphans! Clovis We must never speak of this. Snobbery with violence. I hate you, yet I love you, yet I hate you. Becca The Twenty-Five Year Old Woman is an Old Maid and the Town Pities Her Old Rich Man Dies, Everyone Pretends to Be His Relative P. SPiegel 19. He proposed to somebody else (with money.) Sent at 3:01 PM on Tuesday me: 20. No, he didn't, not really. He just proposed to ME!