How soon is too soon to begin introducing basic gender theory and Lacanian self-definition to an infant? A primer.

BABY: dont want u
want daddy
ME: GENDER IS A SPECTRUM OF BEHAVIORS NOT A FIXED IDENTITY
STOP DENYING MY AGENCY
BABY: want juice
ME: I’M GONNA READ JUDITH BUTLER TO YOU AGAIN

 

BABY: [nurses]
ME: you realize youre literally consuming me
BABY: [nurses]
ME: wow
its like de Beauvoir never even wrote The Second Sex

 

[leans over baby’s crib]
ME: DON’T YOU DARE DEVELOP ALONG FREUDIAN STAGES
BABY: [sleeps]
ME: ARE YOU IGNORING MY REGULATIVE DISCOURSES

 

BABY: [sleeps]
ME: wow
have you queered anything today

 

BABY: [cries]
ME: hey
HEY
we have talked about this
BABY: [cries]
ME: what is the function of the imaginary primordial enclosure formed by the imago of the mother’s body
you know this
i know you know this

 

ME: i dont care how you express your future sexuality
but dont you dare bring a post-structuralist into this house
BABY: [chortles]
ME: THIS IS SERIOUS

 

ME: IS GENDER A PERFORMANCE OR A CONSTRUCT
PUT DOWN THAT BUNNY AND ANSWER ME

 

ME: [holding car keys] okay, Baby
show me the difference between the symbol and the archetype
BABY: [claps]
ME: come on
what’s being displaced here

 

BABY: want fahh
want fahhh
ME: who wants fahh?
BABY: want fahh
ME: Is it I?
Are you learning the function of the I?
Are you ready for Lacan’s mirror stage?
BABY: want fahhh
ME: I didn’t think so

 

BABY: [eats a Cheerio]
ME: WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO REALIZE
THAT ‘THE REAL’ IS NOT NECESSARILY COEXISTENT WITH REALITY

 

BABY: [hands me ‘Are You My Mother’]
ME: DO YOU WANT ME TO READ THIS TO YOU
OR ARE YOU FINALLY READY TO CRITICALLY INTERROGATE THE TEXT
BABY: book

[Image via Wikimedia Commons]