Skip to the article, or search this site

Home: The Toast

This post brought to you by Michael, a seven-eyed dog from Brooklyn. Previously in this series: Two monks invent medieval art.

It doesn’t really work for monks to appear in this installment of the series, seeing as how the influence of the Catholic Church on popular art movements had really waned by 1848, but I’ve already committed to the general conceit, so. 

MONK #1: ok wow
what should we draw what should we drawww
everybody’s doing landscapes and rich ladies in front of old buildings so maybe we should —
MONK #2: bitches
MONK #1: what
MONK #2: we gotta paint bitches
just stone cold bitches man
MONK #1: i dont understand
MONK #2: bitches are it
bitches are the future
people want one thing from art
and that’s to see unsmiling, lush bitches brushing their hair
MONK #1: wow
ok
MONK #2: like this

preraph22

MONK #1: oh wow okay yeah i see what you mean
MONK #2: or this

preraph13

MONK #1: okay so like this?

preraph1

MONK #2: um
you know what
that’s a really good start
MONK #1: thank you!
MONK #2: something i really like about it is the moon
and the veil is great
and she looks like she might have consumption
which is great
MONK #1: thank you!!!
MONK #2: but that’s a woman
not a bitch
you didn’t paint a bitch
so
MONK #1: oh man
MONK #2: no no it’s okay don’t feel bad
it can be tricky
here’s another example
just for reference

preraph18

MONK #1: ok let me see if ive got it yet
how’s this

preraph11

MONK #2: hmm
MONK #1: oh dang
MONK #2: haha dont be so hard on yourself i’m just thinking
this is definitely better
MONK #1: yeah?
MONK #2: yeah
MONK #1: i feel like im getting closer
MONK #2: you definitely definitely are
she’s not smiling and that’s a great start
don’t really see any jewels though
MONK #1: yeah
MONK #2: remember your aiming for this

preraph21

MONK #1: WHOA
MONK #2: haha yeah
big hair, no heart, that’s the key

 

MONK #2: tell you what
lets practice some
ill give you a general activity
and you guess how a bitch might look while she was doing it
okay?
MONK #1: okay
MONK #2: i really think it will help
MONK #1: okay
MONK #2: gathering flowers
MONK #1: i guess
peaceful?
MONK #2: furious
MONK #1: dang
MONK #2: bitches gather flowers furiously

preraph10

MONK #2: lets try another one
picnicking
how do bitches picnic
MONK #1: um
angry?
MONK #2: solemnly
they picnic solemnly, in billowing velvet capes

preraph8

MONK #2: okay
we’re picking flowers again
what’s happening
MONK #1: um
they’re picking flowers
gravely
like for a funeral
MONK #2: right!
is anybody smiling or having a good time?
MONK #1: no
definitely not
MONK #2: you got it kid

preraph7

MONK #2: sitting in a castle
MONK #1: mega pissed off
MONK #2: that’s the one!!

preraph9

MONK #2: okay bitches are swimming
set the scene for me
MONK #1: they’re trying to drown a guy
but real slowly
MONK #2: yes
that is exactly how bitches swim

preraph23

MONK #2: how about dancing
what do bitches look like when they throw a dance party
MONK #1: enormously sad
just shatteringly grief-stricken
MONK #2: that’s right
bitches hate dancing

preraph20

MONK #2: okay i think you’re ready to try again
lightning round
draw me a bitch in front of her house
MONK #1: ok hows this
MONK #2: is that a spear?
MONK #1: yeah
MONK #2: NICE

preraph17

MONK #2: gimme two bitches
MONK #1: hows this
MONK #2: YES
I LOVE HOW SHE’S STARING AT ME

preraph16

MONK #2: show me what it looks like when two people fall in love
MONK #1: like this?
MONK #2: YES THAT’S HORRIFYING GOD YES

preraph15

MONK #2: what does it look like when a bitch goes on a date
MONK #1: ahh
she
she carries her dog and won’t look at the guy
MONK #2: you are ready

preraph4

MONK #2: last one
show me a happy couple on a carriage ride
MONK #1: okay
MONK #2: CHRIST THAT’S UNSETTLING
is he missing part of his jaw?
MONK #1: yeah i thought it fit the scene
MONK #2: this is great stuff
MONK #1: you really think so?
MONK #2: i really do

preraph5

MONK #1: okay um how about this one
MONK #2: YES
THATS IT
YOU GOT IT
MONK #1: really??
oh man
MONK #2: absolutely
this is it
we’re done here
lets call it the Pre-Raphaelite Brotherhood and go get some opium

preraph2

[All images via]

$
Select Payment Method

Loading ...

Personal Info

Donation Total: $1.00

Add a comment

Skip to the top of the page, search this site, or read the article again

(Close this.)