I have never read or seen The Fault In Our Stars, but that will not stop me from imagining what I hope to God it’s actually like. Without further ado, here are some scenes from a little book-turned-action-trilogy I like to call FAULTY STARS.
[A GIRL enters, coughing blood into a handkerchief]
GIRL: no
[A BOY enters, coughing blood into a handkerchief. An accordion plays.]
BOY: yes
they kiss
FOGGY STAGS
GIRL: love means never having to say yr sorry
BOY: ill take a walk to remember you
[A STAR CRASHES INTO THE EARTH, KILLING THEM BOTH]
FAWNY STAMPS
BOY: hey baby whats ur sign
GIRL: i dont understa–
BOY: im a cancer
[they stare directly into the camera, coughing blood]
CANCER FACE
GIRL [directly to the camera]: dyings no fun, especially when your a teen. life moves pretty fast sometimes, if you don’t stop and look around sometime you might miss it.
[picks up phone] cameron you gotta get out of bed. its my day off.
[A BOY appears in her room]
BOY: theres something wrong with your kids marty!! its the stars
FLANNERY MARS
[A GIRL is looking through a telescope of science]
GIRL: oh no that star’s coming straight for us!!
BOY: i have a secret i was really a star in disguise this whole time
[he explodes, killing her]
FAULTING SWEARS
GIRL: im dying
BOY: no your not
[they make out]
GIRL: okay
BOY: attaboy Clarence
[a bell rings; 10000 miles above them a star winks]
Tags: books, cough cough cough, movie disease, movies, movies i haven’t actually seen, the fault in our stars
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*wheezes* *not with cancer but with laughter*
Also I refuse to believe that an actual human is actually named Ansel Elgort.
It’s an anagram for “Legal Stoner”
That’s not the character’s name? I thought that was a too-clever made-up name!
No that’s the ACTOR’s name! The character is called Augustus Waters.
Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear.
It’s one of those names where you’re pretty much compelling your kid to become super rich and successful in their field because otherwise they are never getting away with that shit.
his vati is noted fashion photographer Arthur Elgort so he’s already super rich
So the “Ansel” is likely after amaze-balls late photog Ansel Adams? Mercy.
The fault in out stars seems like a movie made for people who don’t have enough actual sadness and cancer in their lives.
oh well that’s definitely me then
my life is aces and i’m healthy as an ox, i did like 60 deadlifts yesterday
60 dead men? Impressed.
Oh I wasn’t trying to criticize you or the piece I just felt the need to grumble about the movie today
oh you weren’t i just wanted to brag and this seemed like a good place
Actually, no. It is really a good book to read when there’s way too much cancer in your life. I read it the year my mom had cancer and my partner’s mom was dying of cancer and even my cat died of cancer, and it helped.
I don’t have cancer but I was going through a hard time with a chronic illness when I read it. It captures the frustration, anxiety, and weird irrational guilt of being perpetually sick. Plus I laughed a lot.
**~~~*it’s a metaphor*~~~**
I’LL TAKE A WALK TO REMEMBER YOU
impt q: is laughter fatal??
Check your handkerchief for blood. If present, the answer is yes.
Somewhere, Lurlene McDaniel is shaking her fist at the heavens, yelling, “Where is my movie deal???”
RIGHT? TFIOS is basically just a continuation of her body of work. It fits right in.
Yeah, basically. “Teenagers fall in love, die.” Fin.
Right? I’ve seen the trailers for TFIOS & that is ALL I can think about. Poor Lurlene.
fawlty stars?
fern gully
I loved The Fault in Our Stars as a novel, and I saw the movie last night. Also, I would completely watch any of these movies. But, I mean, I will see anything with a telescope of science in it. I am crazy about those.
Did you like the movie? I liked the book (also was emotionally vulnerable when I read it, so I cried like a baby) but the trailers are not making me want to see the movie..
Me too! To the crying like a baby, and also the iffiness of the trailer, which I think makes it seem like a Nicholas Sparksish movie. I liked the movie better than I thought I would based on the trailer. In fact, I just liked it in general. I was worried some things wouldn’t translate from the book, but they did a pretty good job. Obviously they cut and condensed some things, but the core of it is the same (and surprisingly, the Anne Frank house thing, which made me feel very, very weird when I read it, was actually somewhat less weird to me in the movie). Shailene Woodley’s great, Angle Googlebus is pretty good (also more believable than in the trailer), and I will pretty much see Laura Dern in anything.
Tl;dr: pretty good (not perfect) movie made from a pretty good (not perfect) and tricky-to-translate-to-film book. If you liked the one, you’ll probably like the other.
Angle Googlebus just made my day.
I just read some Buzzfeed about all the people saying “fuck you John Green” on Twitter right now
wait are they mad at him for making them cry or are they mad at him for something else
Mad for making them cry. (Even, inexplicably, people who seem to have read the book.)
It’s a story about teenagers in love dying of cancer – what did they think would happen??
He didn’t put a new roll of TP on after he finished one.
He squeezed the toothpaste tube from the top.
Instead of just finishing the rest of the milk when he put it in his coffee, he left, like, less than anyone would ever want to use for any possible purpose and put it back in the fridge.
He forgot to put the lemon juice back in the fridge after making cocktails.
He inexplicably didn’t wash your nice serving tray after your birthday party despite washing all the other dishes like he said he would.
I just did that milk thing with my roommate’s milk like 10 minutes ago. I am the worst.
You squeezed it from the top?
Well I think for a while a bunch of people were mad because everyone was all “John Green is saving YA lit/making it legitimate” and all the active female YA authors and fans were all “what the fucking fuck, hello?”
Apparently they have been crying ever since they watched the movie.
Either that or maybe he has been rampaging around in a vehicle running over people’s cats/dogs. “NO FUCK YOU TWITTER”
My bookclub will be going to see this soon and I need some advice. Precisely how drunk should I be? I think I need to be a little drunk so I will be lulled to sleep by the sights and sounds of gentle cancer teens, but not so drunk that I become surly and talk back to the screen.
My 14 year old refused to let me accompany him, even though I promised I wouldn’t shout “[SPOILER]” at the screen during the opening credits. He’s there now, and here I am, stuck at home, not crying one tiny bit. Bah.
My book club is also going to see this soon, and I say if your book club is not on board with getting surly and talking back to the screen then fie upon them and come join mine.
I haven’t read the book and only see movies in the theater for political reasons (I am woman, hear me spend $$$ on woman-written/-directed movies at the box office). Will probably catch it on Netflix eventually.
CONVENIENTLY, Mallory Ortberg is a woman, so I’m looking forward to seeing Foggy Stags, Fawny Stamps et. al. in one of those demented movie marathons where you go to the multiplex at 11 AM and don’t come out till after midnight.
“[A GIRL enters, coughing blood into a handkerchief]
GIRL: no
[A BOY enters, coughing blood into a handkerchief. An accordion plays.]
BOY: yes
they kiss”
ban heterosexuals.
what if no one was allowed to make heterosexual movies for a year. what then. what kind of cool movies might we actually get??
just kidding movie people would sulk the whole time and remake “Not Another Gay Movie” 100 times just to punish us.
Oh, you know it’d be an ocean of pretty cis white twinks. “Mean Boyz” knock-offs for DAYS.
just imagine that gross bloody sick-person kiss
Noooooooooooooooooooo a still from Brian’s Song!!!! INSTANT TEARS!
“theres something wrong with your kids marty!! its the stars”
I’m so glad I wasn’t drinking anything. Thank you for this.
A TELESCOPE OF SCIENCE.
So the "Ansel" is likely after amaze-balls late photog Ansel Adams? Mercy.