BRAS. Victoria’s Secret bras are designed to perfectly cup and support the breasts.* While the ideal Victoria’s Secret customer is a B- or C-cup, we do cater to those less fortunate. For small-chested women, we have a range of bras enhanced with six inches of foam padding or one liter of gel filling in order to achieve a presentable appearance. The busty woman can occasionally find a bra of her size in mustard yellow or neon giraffe-print in one of our bargain bins. Any customer, however, who requests an uncommon size, such as 30AA or 40G, should be answered with a pitying stare and a vigorous shake of the head.
*Of a mannequin.
PANTIES. Victoria’s Secret panties also come in a range of sizes and styles. A size XS was modeled on the derriere of a capuchin monkey; they go up from there. Though the amount of material varies wildly among styles and sizes – an XS V-String is basically a rubber band and a fabric Dorito, while an XL Brief could double as a baby sling – the prices are the same across the board. Each style of panties should be separated into four categories: normal solids (black, white, gray), normal prints (polka dots, stripes, hearts), neon solids, and “Slutty Lisa Frank.”
ART. Art is integral to the Victoria’s Secret customer experience. In every store, hundreds of retouched, airbrushed, black & white, candlelit photographs of Victoria’s Secret “Angels” are mounted at eye-level. Once ushered into a fitting room, the customer will encounter a 16×20, framed print of supermodel Adriana Lima’s flawless posterior, directly to the left of the mirror. Studies have found that 35% of customers will bypass the fitting process and head directly to the cashier to avoid the paralyzing indignity of direct comparison to Adriana Lima.
LIGHTING. Similarly, the lighting in Victoria’s Secret fitting rooms is of the utmost importance. It must be dim enough to conceal any dust bunnies, wads of hair, or questionable stains on the carpet, yet strategically angled to illuminate the stomach, buttocks and thighs in a way that spotlights every mole, dimple, stretch mark, and spider vein. When a customer turns to check her behind in a rhinestone-encrusted Cheekini, it is imperative that she nearly pull a hamstring trying to figure out if that’s a previously undiscovered birthmark or just a shadow. It is no coincidence that as she flees the fitting room, she will run straight into our beauty section, where we have a perennial sale on our various bronzers, self-tanners, and shimmer lotions designed to conceal human skin.
SALESPERSONS. In the average store visit, no less than 18 employees should interact with the customer, a strategy known as “Angel Ambush,” the end goal of which is to commit her to a Victoria’s Secret Angel Credit Card. When a customer first enters the store, she is to be greeted and then eyed up by a hulking male doorman/bouncer. In an attempt to avoid the scrutiny of the bouncer as she peruses and selects undergarments, the customer will move deeper into the store, at which point her path is to be blocked by a salesperson. This salesperson will offer to sign her up for the credit card. If the customer refuses, eight more salespersons are to confront her within the next five minutes. Employees are encouraged to use increasingly condescending and/or vaguely threatening tones with each additional offer.
CASHIERS. Once at the cash register, if the salespersons have failed to acquire the customer’s Social Security Number, the cashier should casually request her e-mail address and zip code. If asked for a reason, the cashier should mutter something unintelligible, inserting words like “receipt,” “standard procedure” and/or “free birthday thong” among the gibberish. Under no circumstances should the cashier inform the customer they will receive 12 e-mails a day and 35 catalogs a month for the rest of their life. Once the transaction is complete, the cashier should hand over the customer’s purchase in the largest available iconic blood-red-and-hot-pink Victoria’s Secret bag. Don’t forget to include the free matching duffle bag where applicable!
