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Until last night, I had never heard of 1983’s Class, starring Rob Lowe and Andrew McCarthy. Until last night, I thought the only movie about sleeping with someone’s mom was The Graduate, LIKE A CHUMP. The Graduate sucks eggs and Class rules. You should watch Class and never watch The Graduate ever again.

Class and The Graduate both attempt to answer the same two central questions, namely Is It Rad To Sleep With A Lady Who Is 40 and Were The 1960s Any Good, but only Class gets it right (Yes and No, respectively).

Class Features A Scene Where A Good-Looking Character Says The Line “Welcome to [Name of Academy] Academy”

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That’s always a sign of a really good movie. I’m pretty sure someone says it in School Ties. For sure they say it in Cruel Intentions, I bet. Probably they say it in Dead Poet’s Society; I don’t know, I’ve only ever seen the scene where Robin Williams makes everyone rip up their books and then the bit at the end where Robert Sean Leonard hangs himself because he can’t be in A Midsummer Night’s Dream. In Class, Rob Lowe says it, and the name of the academy is VERNON Academy, which I think is the name of the mean dean in Animal House, so it’s pretty great.

Nobody says “Welcome to [Name of Academy] Academy” in The Graduate, I’m pretty sure.

Class Is A Freaking Murderer’s Row Of Teens And Babes
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Holy smokes, you guys, pretty much everyone in Class became a high-ranking member of the Powers and Principalities Of 1980s Sex Romps — Cameron from Ferris Bueller is in it, John Cusack is in it, Joan Cusack is in it, Virginia Madsen is in it but I didn’t catch which character she played, plus teeny tiny Andrew McCarthy and Rob Lowe! Only it was like…four years or so before their biggest hits, so they’re all actual teens, with tiny baby faces.

graduate2 hi im definitely an actual teen; whats sex ive never even had it

Did you know that when Dustin Hoffman filmed The Graduate, he was already 57? Plus there’s like, a four-hour-long party scene where someone tells him to go into Plastics, which is a metaphor for Hypocrisy and The Banality of The Suburbs, and he never smiles or has a good time even once.

Class Has The Best Fight Scene Of Any Teen Sex Romp Ever, Bar None

There’s a really tremendous fight scene between Rob Lowe and Andrew McCarthy near the end of the movie. It’s perfect; weird and stuttered and full of long pauses, like an actual fight between two guys who don’t fight a lot would look like, because they’re not sure exactly what to do next and also they’re a little winded. All fight scenes in non-action movies would do well to take their cues from this fight scene.

why are we pretending that she is older than him why are we pretending that she is older than him

If you want to see a ninety-year-old man pretend to be a college student and, like, unhappily ride public transportation with Lana Del Ray, then by all means, crank up your Victrola VCR and watch The Graduate. If you want to watch Rob Lowe meaningfully punch Andrew McCarthy in the goddamn face, watch Class. 

There Is A Scene In Class Where Somebody Tells An Authority Figure To “Fuck Off” And Then When He Walks In The Lunch Room All The Guys Give Him A Standing Ovation 

That never happens in The Graduate even once.

Rob Lowe Is A Goddamn Delight

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He plays a guy named Skip and he screams at a Calculus book. He looks like he is both A) really committed to playing the character of Skip as three-dimensionally as is possible when your character is named Skip and B) having a great time, which is legitimately difficult to pull off. I love Rob Lowe; he is a Goofy Dad who was imprisoned for years in a Hot Dude’s body and I rejoice that soon he will be entirely free of his Handsome Carapace. I wish we were in a book club about Civil War biographies together.

Andrew McCarthy Is Both Brought Low And Later Redeemed By Lady’s Panties 

On his first day of school, Andrew McCarthy gets tricked into wearing ladies’ underwear by crafty ladies’ underwear-wearing Rob Lowe, only it’s a trick because Rob Lowe shuts Andrew McCarthy outside of the dorms and everyone laughs at him.

Andrew McCarthy gets Rob Lowe back by pretending to hang himself over Rob Lowe’s bed, so that Rob Lowe believes he has driven a young man to suicide. After this they become friends. Andrew McCarthy knows how to end a prank war. No one hangs themselves in The Graduate, but perhaps they should have.

Later, Andrew McCarthy brings back a pair of ladies’ underwear from his Sex Trip to Chicago. Rob Lowe does not realize it at the time, but they are the panties of his very own Rob Lowe Mother, who Andrew McCarthy does it with a bunch. They seem like they have a great time.

No one has a great time in The GraduateClass has Panty Motifs and also people having a good time during sex. The Graduate has that cool white stripe in Anne Bancroft’s hair, I guess.

In conclusion, The Graduate sucks eggs and I should never have watched it that one time in high school.

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