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Home: The Toast

miller3Previously in this series: Dirtbag John Milton

BIFF enters, skateboarding.
BIFF: more like willy blowman
BIFF exits, skateboarding.

 

LINDA: oh Biff
when are you going to make something out of your life
BIFF: i went on a job interview today
LINDA: that’s wonderful
how did it go?
BIFF: stole a pen
LINDA: oh Biff
BIFF: s’a good pen
[BIFF leans over and carefully draws a mustache over LINDA’S mouth]
BIFF: see

 

WILLY: oh god ive lost my job
i’m nothing
i might as well be dead
christ, without a job i can’t feed my family
i need a job
CHARLEY: did you say you lost your job?
WILLY: fuck off charley
CHARLEY: because i would be happy to give you a job with–
WILLY: i said “fuck off Charley”
not “keep talking” and “keep standing in front of my door like a fuckface”

 

WILLY: they cant just throw me away like that
you can’t just eat the orange and throw the peel away
a man’s not like a piece of–
BIFF: no that’s exactly how you eat an orange

 

[At WILLY’s funeral]
LINDA: I don’t say he was a great man–
BIFF: no one says that
HAPPY: yeah literally no one says that mom


KATE: Joe
Joe did you realize the engine parts were cracked when you shipped them out?
did you know those planes would crash?
JOE: no
i dont know
i was sick that day
KATE: oh Joe
we’ve got to go to the police
you’ve just got to turn yourself in
JOE: sure thing babe
you got it
let me just grab my coat
[JOE shimmies out the bedroom window, drops into the car, and drives away]
JOE: “did you know those planes would crash”
like anyone can ever actually know anything


ABIGAIL: your wifes a witch probably
JOHN: no she’s not
ABIGAIL: mmm sounds like something a witch would say

 

REVEREND PARRIS: so you’ve seen some witches, eh
ABIGAIL [lights a cigarette]: ive seen a lot of things
REVEREND PARRIS: who are the witches, girl
name them
ABIGAIL: everybody
REVEREND PARRIS: what, everybody?
ABIGAIL: yeah
REVEREND PARRIS: even me?
ABIGAIL: thats what everybody means
REVEREND PARRIS: who else is a witch?
ABIGAIL: mmm idk
that yellow bird
REVEREND PARRIS: what, the yellow bird on the barn-post?
ABIGAIL: yeah
big old
witch bird

 

[GILES COREY is being slowly crushed to death under a pile of stones]
REVEREND PARRIS: ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT
GILES COREY: why dont you put some more rocks on me
maybe that’ll help solve the mystery
fucko

 

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